Relationship Building with Kids in a Blended Family

    Building healthy relationships is crucial to successful families. Kids, in general, need a lot of encouragement, love and support. In blended families, this need is magnified because of the additional pressures kids face as a result of the new situation. Here are some of our kids’ complaints since becoming a part of our blended family:

• You spend more time with them than you do with me.
• You don’t play with me anymore.
• Mom (ex spouse) says you’re supposed to be doing something special with me.
• Do you love them more than me?
• You’re harder on me than everyone else.
• I feel left out, overlooked, ignored.

     Take every opportunity you can to build relationships. Get creative; use ideas you wouldn’t normally try…make an effort. The kids will see you trying and it will help pave the way for deeper relationships.

Here are some things we’ve done to help build relationships with our kids:

• Be There. Show up to games/activities and only miss for major circumstances. Even when the kids are with the other parent, we try to make every sport game, every orchestra concert, and every awards ceremony.
• “Divide and Conquer”. My husband and I will split up when events conflict. It is better for one parent to be there than no one. Send representation from your household.
• Participate. When at events, stay engaged and interested in what they are doing, cheer for them

• Relate Differently. For example, some of the kids are cuddly and some are distant.
• Provide opportunities to love on the kids the way they need to.
• For example, at family movie night, let the non-cuddly kids help make popcorn, pick out snacks or the movie. For the others, encourage them to bring in their blankets and curl up with them on the couch.

• Have Fun as a Family. Time spent with them is more important than what we can buy them.
  • Play board games, go to the park, draw/color with them and any other activities your family likes to do.
  • The kids need to see the interaction as a group. The more you segregate the attention to one kid, the more opportunity there is for hurt feelings.
  • Teach Them Something New. We cook meals together, bake cookies, make crafts, grow plants, draw, etc. Kids are eager to learn and the opportunity allows you to be close to them, accomplishing something together.
  • This is, by far, the hardest for us. We lack a lot of energy to do the big family things and often resort to watching movies with them instead. Our desire is to improve in this area.

• Listen to Their Stories. Kids have a lot to say and they need to know you are interested in their day, things that happen in their lives and laugh about things they find funny. Not paying attention sends them a message that you do not care.

• Journal with Them. This is a new activity we’ve tried at our home. I bought a nice notebook for each kid. In it, we write letters back and forth.
  • The rules are simple: 1. Write about ANYTHING you want. 2. Answer a question. 3. Ask a Question. 4. Journal stays between us. (dad or other kids can’t read). (NOTE: It is clear, Dad doesn’t read UNLESS there is concerning behavior).
  • Each kid enjoys the experience and looks forward to getting responses. They have the opportunity to talk about things that would otherwise be embarrassing for them and it gives them a memento they can look back on when they’re older.
  • Topics that have come up are: games we like, places we’d like to visit, boys and crushes, recommendations for family activities, advice for future careers and exploring talents.

Keep the lines of communication open…by any means necessary. Never stop trying.

“So I concluded there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can.” Ecclesiastes 3:12

“Families that play together, stay together.”