A Dose of Positivity

I'm learning the world has enough negativity of its own that I do not need to add to the mix. My mind is flooded with all the things left undone and all the unmet expectations of both myself and the members of my family. Broken cars, bad attitudes, cluttered house, long list of to-do’s, trouble with exes…it can go on and on.

God says in Philippians 4:6-7, “Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.”

            Today, I will pray for the things I need and give it to God, thank Him for what He’s done and let peace guard my heart. That means no more dwelling on negativity. As a matter of fact, Philippians 4:8 goes on to say, “And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.”

I have A LOT of things in my life that are “Worthy of Praise”.

1. I have a wonderful husband. He’s my best friend and my partner in crime. I couldn’t do this without him.
2. My kids are kind-hearted, well behaved, talented, and smart. They bring joy to my life. It definitely would be boring without them.
3. I have amazing friends and family. They provide love, encouragement and support.
4. I get to invest time in teenagers in an impactful way, filling God’s call on my life.
5. I have a home and food in our bellies. Our bills are paid.
6. I have a job that helps me supply for my family and is flexible to allow me to be both a good mother and a good employee.
7. I am growing as a person through Christ.
8. I have the opportunity to continue my education and can excel in learning.
9. I have my health and the ability to improve.
10. I have favor in times of adversity………………..

The more I focus on the positive things in life, the less time I have to focus on the negative. In blended families, we get hit with a lot of negativity and at times, it can overtake us. Choose to look towards the good things and get a reality check. Write down the areas in your life that are “Worthy of Praise” and fix your thoughts on those things.

Relationship Building with Kids in a Blended Family

    Building healthy relationships is crucial to successful families. Kids, in general, need a lot of encouragement, love and support. In blended families, this need is magnified because of the additional pressures kids face as a result of the new situation. Here are some of our kids’ complaints since becoming a part of our blended family:

• You spend more time with them than you do with me.
• You don’t play with me anymore.
• Mom (ex spouse) says you’re supposed to be doing something special with me.
• Do you love them more than me?
• You’re harder on me than everyone else.
• I feel left out, overlooked, ignored.

     Take every opportunity you can to build relationships. Get creative; use ideas you wouldn’t normally try…make an effort. The kids will see you trying and it will help pave the way for deeper relationships.

Here are some things we’ve done to help build relationships with our kids:

• Be There. Show up to games/activities and only miss for major circumstances. Even when the kids are with the other parent, we try to make every sport game, every orchestra concert, and every awards ceremony.
• “Divide and Conquer”. My husband and I will split up when events conflict. It is better for one parent to be there than no one. Send representation from your household.
• Participate. When at events, stay engaged and interested in what they are doing, cheer for them

• Relate Differently. For example, some of the kids are cuddly and some are distant.
• Provide opportunities to love on the kids the way they need to.
• For example, at family movie night, let the non-cuddly kids help make popcorn, pick out snacks or the movie. For the others, encourage them to bring in their blankets and curl up with them on the couch.

• Have Fun as a Family. Time spent with them is more important than what we can buy them.
  • Play board games, go to the park, draw/color with them and any other activities your family likes to do.
  • The kids need to see the interaction as a group. The more you segregate the attention to one kid, the more opportunity there is for hurt feelings.
  • Teach Them Something New. We cook meals together, bake cookies, make crafts, grow plants, draw, etc. Kids are eager to learn and the opportunity allows you to be close to them, accomplishing something together.
  • This is, by far, the hardest for us. We lack a lot of energy to do the big family things and often resort to watching movies with them instead. Our desire is to improve in this area.

• Listen to Their Stories. Kids have a lot to say and they need to know you are interested in their day, things that happen in their lives and laugh about things they find funny. Not paying attention sends them a message that you do not care.

• Journal with Them. This is a new activity we’ve tried at our home. I bought a nice notebook for each kid. In it, we write letters back and forth.
  • The rules are simple: 1. Write about ANYTHING you want. 2. Answer a question. 3. Ask a Question. 4. Journal stays between us. (dad or other kids can’t read). (NOTE: It is clear, Dad doesn’t read UNLESS there is concerning behavior).
  • Each kid enjoys the experience and looks forward to getting responses. They have the opportunity to talk about things that would otherwise be embarrassing for them and it gives them a memento they can look back on when they’re older.
  • Topics that have come up are: games we like, places we’d like to visit, boys and crushes, recommendations for family activities, advice for future careers and exploring talents.

Keep the lines of communication open…by any means necessary. Never stop trying.

“So I concluded there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can.” Ecclesiastes 3:12

“Families that play together, stay together.”

Marriage Foundations in a Blended Family

    As a little girl, the word “marriage” represented something magical…happily ever after, a true love story.  This marriage relationship was never represented as “complicated” or referred to as “work”.

    We all know the reality of marriage is much different than a little girl’s imagination…but we should never give up on the dream of a relationship that is happy, fulfilling or even magical.

    To the little girl, happily ever after is just something that IS (a state of being completed). In reality, happily ever after is what BECOMES (after a process). It is during the process that we either grow together as a couple or grow a part. Unfortunately, for half of marriages, couples grow apart and never make it to happily ever after…which is probably why you’re even reading my blog.

    In blended family marriages, both partners are committed to making the new relationship work. We’ve come out of the ashes of the previous relationship alive….but scarred. We approach relationships differently and encounter unique circumstances in building new relationships. We must understand in our new marriages, we not only get hit with all of the challenges first marriages face, but we add additional challenges such as ex-spouses, parenting step children, busier schedules for visitations, fear of failure, to name a few…it’s not easy.

    Know you will be facing these challenges and be prepared….be proactive. Commit yourselves to the process of building a lasting marriage. There are some things my husband and I have found helpful for us. We are still in this “process” of building happily ever after and still face many challenges. We only hope to encourage you as you travel this same journey.

1. Put God first. Focus on building a Godly home, invite Him into the process and pray for your family every day. Get in His Word to find scriptures you can stand on for your family.
2. Commit to Stay – No Matter What. Don’t live with one foot out the door or make your spouse feel like leaving is an option. Security is crucial to blended family marriages.
3. Get Outside Help. Whether you like it or not, there is a reason first marriages fail and you can never come out unscathed. Go to a Godly counsel (outside the family) to help you learn healthy marriage builders and work to overcome the effects of past hurts. If it costs…it is a necessary investment.
4. Build a Support System. Family and friends are a good place to start to build a network of people who will lift up your new family, encourage you and support you. If you do not have friends, make new friends by attending parenting or religious groups focusing on blended family situations. Open yourself up to help and be willing to provide help and encouragement in return. Get rid of people in your life that are toxic.
5. Take Time for Each Other. Make an effort to do what you can to spend time together and to encourage each other. At the end of this situation, there is only you and your spouse…make them a priority. We rearranged our visitation schedules with the kids so we would have some time alone. If necessary, get a sitter for a date night. Whatever it takes, make it happen.

Blended family marriages can be magical…with God’s help and an investment into the process, we can avoid becoming a statistic…one that says we are set up to fail. The devil wants us to fail, he wants our families to be forever shaken, insecure and fearful. God says we are a new creation and the old life is gone. I'm choosing to stand on His promises for my marriage.

"This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!"

2 Corinthians 5:17

"Put on all of God's armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil."

Ephesians 6:11

Happy Mother's Day!

     Mother's Day is that special day we get to honor moms. Handmade cards, a meal prepared by someone other than yourself, special gifts, tokens of appreciation and lots of hugs. As kids who do not normally stop to say thank you, on this day they make a well-meaning attempt to show their appreciation...This day is truly special!

     Being a step-mom, on Mother's Day, comes with some mixed emotions. You want your step children to enjoy their time with their bio mom and at the same time, you wait for a call from them just to hear 'Happy Mother's Day'...often the call does not come. If you are in a situation like mine, the bio mom has a hard time with any affection shown to you by the step children, she feels threatened. As a result, your step children hold back for fear of not being loyal to their mom or hurting her feelings.

    I am both a bio mom and as well as a step-mom. My children have a step-mom. Sometimes it is difficult for me to see my children show affection to their step-mom...especially because I know the adult conflict that has taken place over the years with the step-mom. I admittedly struggle from time to time with remembering that their step-mom is a big part of my children's life also.

So this Mother's Day:

• I will encourage my children to call their step-mom to wish her a Happy Mother's Day, make her a card, craft or cookies.
• I will remember that my children showing affection to to their step-mom, in no way, diminishes MY role in their lives.
• I will be the bigger person and not show my children the tension that may be there from other situations that have happened.
•  I will help my kids feel comfortable showing affection, honor and respect to their step-mom, even if it is not reciprocated.

   I am learning to pray my children develop as many healthy relationships as possible. They deserve to have all the love and support they can get and it is far better to teach them to reciprocate that love and respect whether it is for a grandparent, a teacher or their step-mom.

   For those step-moms that do not, or cannot, openly show appreciation (or receive appreciation) on Mother's Day, remember, there is a Step Family Day every year on September 16th. Start planning something special for this day. Give the children a special day they can celebrate their step parent without causing conflict with the bio mom or making the children feel guilty. Try not to let the actions of your step children's bio mom make you feel any less of a mom, or any less valued. 

   Happy Mother's Day to all the step-moms!

Beautiful Blended Mess

   Blending a family is not just taking two families and bringing them together, it is blending each individual person into a new family. Certainly mixing 2 units together is easier than mixing 9…2 parents and 7 kids, in our case! The reality is that each person comes into the new family with needs, personalities and expectations. It is a guarantee, at some point, these will clash…leaving a blended mess.
 
    As a parent in a blended family, we strive to stop the cycle of brokenness, bring new opportunities to our children and model for them what “good” relationships look like. We want to teach our kids that life can be fulfilling and help to mend their broken hearts.
 
    Even with the greatest intentions and a mountain of effort by both parents, life can become more difficult than expected and the blending doesn’t go so well. Frustration quickly sets in and you wonder why you even try.
 
There is hope!
 
    When baking a cake from scratch for the first time, it rarely turns out how you wanted it to. When taking on a new project to build something you never have before, there are always things that could have been better.
 
    You often miss something, have to make patches/repairs or even start over. Blending a family is the same way. We often won’t do things right the first time and effort is not always an indication of success…persistence is.
 
    Keep trying to build relationships, keep working on your marriage, keep including the kids, keep telling them you love them, keep building patience, keep learning about each member as an individual and keep striving to make things better.

It is the process that works.
 
    God promises restoration. He promises to give back what the devil has stolen. In our family, the devil stole the peace and security of a healthy family. God is continually restoring us and we prove His grace every day. Our family is stronger because we place God first in our home and put in the work. When we stumble, His grace is sufficient and we can repair what’s needed and move forward.
 
With God, our blended mess becomes a masterpiece…what He originally intended.
 
    I welcome the Beautiful Mess and all of the learning opportunities that come with it!
 
"Do not call to mind the former things, or ponder things of the past. Behold, I will do something new; Will you not be aware of it? I will make a roadway in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." Isaiah 43:18-19

The Brady Bunch...not quite

Wow...we have been on this blended family journey for about 3 years! I feel I have already learned so much, but still feel unprepared...just as unprepared as I was holding my 1st child for the first time...

   Being in our family situation has many rewards but The Brady Bunch didn't paint a realistic picture of what "blending" really meant. I appreciate the term "blended family" because it refers to something that is mixed together and cannot be separated once together...contrary to the term "Step Family" indicating a separation.

  "Blending" has been a much more emotional processes. In addition to the cliche bickering between kids, the feeling of being "left out" from time to time and the overall chaos that has become our life, there are other peaks in our roller coaster ride.

   The friendships we get to develop with our step kids, the bonding of siblings, the stresses of exes, and the sometimes overwhelming schedules all add to this extreme ride of our lives. We go from highs to lows in seconds. The hardest part is that we are all learning this process at the same time...none of us have been on this ride before...

...but I wouldn't trade this for the world!!!