Self-Care...A Mother's Delimma

It's been a few weeks since my last blog post. There are quite a few changes coming in our household, which I'll blog about later. In this time of chaos, crossroads and major decision-making, I have been repeatedly confronted with the words "Self-Care".

Self-Care, in theory, seems like a straight forward concept. Take care of yourself, you can't give from an empty place, you deserve to give to yourself time, and so on. There is research on the benefits of Self-Care and the consequences of the lack of. However, for most moms, this concept carries a level of complexity with mixed thoughts and emotions.

Don't get me wrong, every mom would love long baths, quiet time for reading a favorite book, shopping for themselves, going to the gym or any other activities they enjoy. In order for a mom to practice self-care, it requires three things; Time, Energy and Resources. Without all three of these things lining up, self-care is impossible.

Sometimes, we have the time and resources, but no energy. Without that vital component, attempts at self-care can backfire. Even worse, we have the resources and the energy but no time!

The longer I am on this blended family journey, the more I am realizing the importance of taking care of myself. Unfortunately, time, energy and resources are only available in limited quantities. We only have 24 hours in a day, we only have so much resources and energy....well, enough said. And if that obstacle wasn't big enough, there's guilt.Because there are limited quantities, in order for mom to practice self-care, those commodities have to be taken from somewhere else...kids, husband, friends, or other organized activities like church.

There's the dilemma...In order for me to take care of myself, someone else has to go without. When I finally get some time, energy and resources set aside for myself, I feel guilty of what I am not doing for others. The money I spend on my nails or a new outfit can go towards clothes for the kids. The time I spend volunteering could be spent with family and friends. The energy I spend at the gym could be spent in quality time with my husband.

Most times, I choose to forego self-care so I don't feel guilty or selfish. So I can feel like a nurturer, a provider, a mother. Sacrifice seems like a small price to pay for the feeling that I am doing my job.

But sacrifice isn't a small price to pay...it's a big one, bigger than I realized. All of those little sacrifices of time, energy and resources diverted from self-care add up in a big way. Feelings of accomplishment begin to get replaced with feelings of being overwhelmed. Other feelings like anxiousness, feeling unappreciated,  and irritability become frequent visitors. When schedule changes are made by the ex, or the kids get wrapped up in adult disagreements between homes, we become a little less patient...a little less forgiving. We begin to displace our frustrations on situations and people...to the point we have nothing positive to add. Then we feel guilty...guilty for not having more fun, for not making happy memories, for not being able to give the best of ourselves to our spouses or kids. Not to mention the physical aspects of the lack of self-care. Ugh...the dilemma.

So when you hear about the importance of taking care of yourself...really hear it. Let it serve as a reminder. Check in on yourself frequently. If I need those lessons with my favorite gym instructor, I need to prioritize that. If I need a long, hot bath, I need to make it happen. If I need to replace some clothing, I should. Even typing this, it feels selfish....saying it out loud feels even more selfish. BUT I am working on changing my thoughts and feelings.

I'm realizing I'd rather feel guilty for taking time for myself so I can be in a better place, than feel guilty for being irritable, anxious, impatient and unforgiving. God will help me find a good balance between self-care and care for others. It is no longer an option to cut out self-care.

Do you not know that you are God's temple and that God's Spirit dwells in you? 
1 Corinthians 3:16

Building Bridges between Double Lives

We've heard stories in the news from time to time of someone, usually a man, having two separate families, in two different towns, complete with a separate wives and children. Neither family is aware of the other's existence and the man lives each life completely separate from the other. When he finally gets caught, people wonder, 'How did the wives not know?' or "Why did it take so long for him to get caught?'.

In blended families with joint custody arrangements, our kids live double lives. Separate houses, separate rules and separate family. These two living arrangements are almost completely independent....almost. We want our children to feel a sense of belonging or contentedness with our home even when they aren't here.

Unfortunately, the kids are more disconnected than we'd like. During their time away, it is like their life at our home is put on pause. There are no calls for a step-sister's birthday, grandparents day or to check in on a sick family member. Phone visitation serves as a quick check in, but you may as well be thousands of miles away. The kids are often distant or reluctant to have meaningful discussion as a result of normal age behavior, lack of support for mutual relationships by the ex....or both. Regardless of why, it is still sad to see a kid upset because their sister didn't call on their birthday or some other event.

When the kids do come home for their scheduled time, the first few hours spent is "Catching up" on everything that happened while they were gone, but these catch up times are less meaningful. It is more like reading a newspaper, outlining events.

How do we instill a sense of belonging and responsibility that carries between two homes? How can we teach a teenager that it is still the right thing to do to call their dad and tell him happy birthday, even if it falls on a day they are not there? How do we teach them that it is still a nice act of kindness to make your sibling a card if they don't feel well, even if you won't see them for a few days.

As a parent, I can do a better job of giving the reminders before events. I can tell my kids what may be coming up while they are gone and set an expectation for them to respond. If they don't follow through, it should be okay to tell them feelings were hurt because they were silent. In real life, relationships don't go on hold. Kids should be taught that relationships work two ways. Kindness and consideration are not just things we receive, but that we give back..even in blended families. For example, the expectation is there for me to buy the kids birthday or Christmas gifts, even if it falls on a day they are not here. So why should I not set the expectation they should reciprocate the relationship, especially with their family....siblings and grandparents.

Just because a family member is not present that day, doesn't mean they don't matter.

These situations are teachable moments. We like to make excuses for our kids by saying, 'Well, they're not here so we can't expect them to remember." or "They'll just do something when they get back.". These may be true, but am I teaching them life skills? Most times when they get home, they have forgotten about the birthday, grandparent's day or whatever else happened...and so have I. The opportunity to show other family members respect and appreciation by celebrating with them or being empathetic in hard times is gone.

I want our children to be good at relationships. That starts by me being a better teacher. I will be more encouraging of all their relationships and examine areas where we expect separation. I will work to set an expectation that family is a system of support at all times. I will teach that when it is our turn to give back, we need to step up...find a way if we need to. Blended families have to be creative and find ways to work around the obstacles of schedules, but it is doable.

No more free passes for one-sided relationships. We can't get rid of the double lives but I am willing to help build bridges between the two lives and find better and creative ways to teach my children about meaningful relationships.

If You Don't Have Anything Nice to Say...

...Type it up in a status on Facebook! Okay, not really. We truly know nothing good ever comes from posting negativity on social media. The temptation to get some relief of overflowing frustration by fundraising sympathy from others can be enticing but only offers temporary relief. There will always be more situations to complain about. The frustration may even be justified so it is easy to become a broadcaster of all things negative, eventually becoming the avoided contact both virtually and in person.

Here's the reality.

No one cares to hear about all my problems...especially in their news feeds.

No one likes to be around negative people who drain their energy...and energy is a precious commodity these days and should be used wisely.

Everyone has problems and speaking negative things over my situations only causes more stress.

I am working on being better about speaking positive things into my life. The ex may be causing more drama than a reality show, the kids may act out and schedules may be blowing up like an atomic bomb BUT there will always be something good I can say. 

My perceptions guide my thoughts, my thoughts guide my words and my words guide my actions. If my perception is negative, it effects everything else, like falling dominoes.

This week, I am choosing to re-focus on the good things...pay more attention to the words coming out of my mouth...and protect my perceptions from negativity that can take root in my heart like a weed in a garden. I'm not waiting for the situation to change, I am praying for positive perceptions. Regardless how I feel, I will be more mindful of what I say...speak good things.

"Words satisfy the mind as much as fruit does the stomach; good talk is as gratifying as a good harvest. Words kill, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit—you choose."Proverbs 18:20-21

Credit....The Elephant in the Room

Divorce takes a hit on everything, especially our finances. Even after years have passed, our credit can still be a shadow reflecting your past. It is easy to get caught up in the numbers and feel labeled...judged. We hear (or see) the words "poor credit", like a flashing neon light, and feel everyone else can see it to. Like a bad reputation, it takes a long time to repair.

So, there are two, seemingly  acceptable, options. Face it or Ignore it.

Common sense would say facing the issue would be more productive and better yet, more responsible. However, many of us choose the latter option, to IGNORE.
Nothing hurts worse than being labeled by a number, a number that says you are not worthy of trust. Our credit becomes the elephant in the room. The forbidden number. We avoid any attempt or situation that would result in "running our credit". Denial sets in and we subconsciously convince ourselves it isn't that important, it isn't that bad or there's not anything we can do about it.
Like any problem, if we don't face it, we can't make it better. Like a re-run, a cliche' or whatever else you want to call it. There is no magic solution, no formula, no quick fix. Like everything after a divorce, it takes time to repair....to restore...our hope, our self-esteem, even our finances.

And most of all...We can't invite God into the process if there is NO process!

A few years ago, I decided to take on the credit elephant. It has been a slow...slow....slow....process. The worst part was getting started and facing the reality of where I was. Believe me, it was not pretty. I committed myself to the process regardless of what the number said about me. I asked God for wisdom and favor. Over the past few years, my score has increased over 100 points!!! I am not where I want to be but I am further than I was yesterday. My confidence has grown, knowing it is something I can tackle, with God's help. I have the faith I will get there.

Here are a few things I've done to help along the way.

1. Invite God into the process FIRST!
2. Plug up the bucket! If there are holes in your finances (uncontrolled spending, overextending, poor budgeting), nothing you could ever do will fix the issue with credit. Budget, budget, budget.
3. Rip off the band-aid. Find out where you are. Run a free credit report. You get 1 free every year.
4. Learn what you can. I sought materials from Dave Ramsey and Clark Howard. There are lots of free stuff online by these two as well as books and workbooks.
5. Monitor your progress. I use two free apps, Credit Karma and Credit Sesame. I can see on a weekly and monthly basis where I am, I get alerts and I can see what raises and lowers my scores.
6. Find ways to GIVE! Give back with your finances and time. It will come back to you.
7. Stay Committed. Don't give up and know it CAN get better!

Proverbs 27:23

"Be diligent to know the state of your flocks, and attend to your herds."

Proverbs 21:5

"The plans of the diligent lead surely to plenty, but those of everyone who is hasty, surely to poverty."

Psalm 20:4

"May He give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed."

Proverbs 1:5

"A wise man will hear and increase learning, and a man of understanding will attain wise counsel."

The "Not Fair" Trap

People, in general, have a tendency to expect things to be “fair”. We learn early on that fair = right, unfair = wrong. I wish things were so simple. Fairness is extremely subjective, what seems fair to one person may seem unfair to another.

“She was invited for a play date and I wasn't!”

“He got a bigger piece than I did!”

“You bought her new shoes and not me!”

In a normal parenting environment, this is extremely frustrating. In a blended family, it is enough to start World War III! When the kids are at the other parent’s home, they expect life to stand still at our home. No one should do anything or receive anything that may be considered “fun”, “exciting” or simply different from normal routine.

Here’s our scenario:

• We have 3 kids full time
• We have 1 kid half time
• We are supposed to get the other 3 a little less than half time but often don’t get the minimum visitation.

The kids that are home full time get to go to the family parties (birthdays, anniversaries), church events or shopping outings that happen to fall during time we don’t have the others. They also “need” more things at our home like clothes, shoes, supplies, etc. They also experience more down time when there isn't anything planned like soccer games.

Regardless of the living arrangements or circumstances, when everyone is home, it is like each kid takes a personal inventory of what the others got while they were gone. They get disappointed of the perceived “extra” stuff the others got to do when they weren't home. We then hear:

“You spend more time with them than me.”

“We don’t go there when I’m over there.”

“I don’t get extra clothes.”

“They get to do xyz and I don’t.”

“It’s not fair”

We fell into the “It’s not fair” trap and tried putting life on hold and not accepting activities that might make the other kids feel bad. What we find is that they were doing fun and exciting stuff at the other parent’s house while we were expected to wait for them. We quickly learned that “fair” and “unfair” rarely applies to blended family parenting.

We now say, “It’s not fair. It’s not unfair. It’s just different.”

We should always encourage the kids to take “fair” and “unfair” out of their vocabulary in this situation. If you let a child think these situations are “unfair”, they feel they were “wronged”. They begin to focus on the other siblings and what they “get” and it becomes a crusade to make things equal, fair and just. You find yourself defending why you bought the child new shoes because they grew out of their old ones or why you allowed one to go to a birthday party they were invited to. 

No one was wronged. It is not unfair. In reality; it is just a different situation.

It doesn't help we have ex-spouses encouraging the fair/unfair mentality by saying, “They always do things with the other kids and not you.” Or if one child gets a gift from a birthday party, the other parent goes out and buys the child who didn't get something to make it “fair”.

Regardless of the other parents’ style of dealing with this situation, our message stays clear.

 “If you want to be treated as an individual, you will not always receive what someone else gets and they won’t always receive what you get. If you want to be treated the same, we can punish you when they get in trouble, buy everyone the exact same clothes and shoes, put everyone to bed at the same time, not allow you to go to parties unless everyone is invited because it wouldn't be ‘fair’ based on your definition. You can’t pick and choose what is ‘fair’ when you want to benefit something, sometimes things are just different.”

Step-mom Problems (funny)

There is not a lot of humor about being in a blended family. I tried to locate some funny sayings using a web search tool but found very little. This did not surprise me as a sense of humor was likely forfeited somewhere in the divorce decree. Along the way, between court dates and poor communication, we forget to laugh….at ourselves or at the situation.

I have made a frail attempt to come up with my own funny sayings about being a step-mom, you will see below. At least I made myself chuckle and hope it will do the same for you.

Enjoy!

Courts and Custody - Advocates or Enablers?

I’m going to go out on a limb here by saying MOST blended families find themselves in court navigating custody proceedings with their exes.

(I’m trying to steer clear of the phrase “Custody Battle” because anytime we “Battle” with the other parent, the kids will lose.)

We often go into the court process hopeful. If you have never had dealings with court systems before, you see the court through rose-colored glasses. You anticipate they will set things right, each party will be held accountable for their behaviors and you will FINALLY get some resolve.

Unfortunately, many of us find ourselves in long, drawn out proceedings lasting for several years. Behaviors that are forbidden by court orders go unpunished and accountability for either parent is almost non-existent. The best interest of the kids is often overlooked or “passed” for another court date. Resolution becomes a seemingly distant and unattainable goal. If there was ever tension between you and your ex before, this long and drawn out process magnifies it, causing more problems than what had existed before.

Often, we feel we are the only ones with urgency and our hearts break as we see the impacts on our kids of living in this situation, like a dark cloud over the family. Judges, attorneys and other court appointed participants downplay any importance in the case and remind us that since there is no drug abuse, physical abuse or kidnapping it is not as deserving of their time and attention. In reality, a lot of abuse comes in more subtle ways through manipulation, fear and anger. Courts become enablers allowing knowingly harmful behaviors to continue for long periods, with no accountability. Ultimately, the court’s authority becomes powerless as one party or the other uses the system to their advantage under the watchful eye of the court system that allows it.

So now that I painted this dark and gloomy picture of one of the most stressful and frustrating situations of being in a blended family, I want to insert a bright ray of light.

God sees the situation. God will make things right.

God has authority. God can restore.

In Romans 8:28, we are encouraged that God will make things right. He can take a man made mess and turn it into something good.

“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them.” Romans 8:28

So for this season, we can re-focus our attention to God

and away from the court system.

Courts will not solve the problem. Courts are not the best advocates for our kids and our families. Courts will disappoint.

God will solve the custody problems. God is the best advocate

for our kids and our families. God will never fail.

The "F" Word - Forgiveness!

In many blended families, custody battles and unresolved hurts lead to bitterness and unforgiveness of your ex spouse, a step-parent or others you felt wronged you and your children. Sometimes, the legal system and society reinforce the notion you were wronged and we use it as justification to remain offended.

Unfortunately, we all know unforgiveness hurts us more than the person we harbor bitterness against. Have you heard that bitterness/unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. It’s true.

The true consequence of unforgiveness is the stolen joy and peace from our own life. The longer we hold on to the offense, the more we torture our family and ourselves.

We are facing a crossroad in our situation. We are fed up with our peace and joy being affected by the ex or the ex’s new partner. An attack from the ex over something small can ruin our joy for days. Our peace dissipates as we ponder what actions need to be taken as well as rehashing past situations where the ex was “in the wrong”.

I’m learning that I don’t need to forgive the other person because they deserve it, but because I deserve it…the peace and joy of not holing on to those offenses. God forgives me when I don’t deserve it and I know I blow it and need that mercy.

It’s easier said than done! Believe me, I think I have tried to forgive a hundred times last month. With ongoing attack, the offense comes back and I find myself knee deep in bitterness once again.

So, I am drawing a line in the sand. I want peace. I want joy. Not sometimes, but always.

Here is what I am doing to help combat the bitterness that keeps knocking on the door of my heart.

1. I choose forgiveness, deserved or not.
2. Remember the offender is just as much a creation of God as I am, my bitterness towards them is bitterness towards God.
3. When an attack comes, give it to God…right away. Not after I have stewed over it a few days.
4. Re-Focus my energy on loving my family. When energy is limited, they are worth more of it than my troubles.
5. Guard my heart, stay in God’s Word.
6. Pray a lot!!!

And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.” Mark 11:25

May the Lord judge between me and you, may the Lord avenge me against you, but my hand shall not be against you. As the proverb of the ancients says, ‘Out of the wicked comes wickedness.’ But my hand shall not be against you. 1 Samuel 24:12-13

To speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people. Titus 3:2

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:32

For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. Matthew 6:14-15

Life Under a Microscope - Paparazzi and Tabloids

    Living in a blended family can feel like you are a celebrity being stalked by the paparazzi and being showcased in the tabloids. Everything you do as a parent is being monitored and misinterpreted everyday. There is this notion that just because you are a divorced parent, you no longer have your child’s best interest at heart. Every action you take is considered harmful, unnecessary or inappropriate by the other parent and their family. Even nuclear families miss the mark from time to time, but in blended families, a mistake can be very costly and cause a whole lot more issues than ever necessary.

• You child falls off the trampoline – you are accused of neglect
• You take your child’s phone away for being disrespectful – you are accused of emotional abuse and disrespect of their feelings
• You encourage future planning for college – you are accused of implying the other parent is a drain on society
• Your child gets upset with you over something trivial – You are told your child never wants to see you again
• Insert your situation here….

    Sometimes, these accusations from the other parent are more subtle and other times they are relentless. There are also brief periods of calm and quiet from the other side and other time it seems the assaults won’t stop. I am continually dumbfounded by the accusations that are made by my ex and my husband’s ex. Some accusations are so absurd and I wonder what the hidden agendas are. There HAS to be a reason for someone to want to stir up so much drama and live at odds with someone for a long period of time. Paparazzi and tabloids are motivated by money. Misrepresenting a story is all about turning a profit without regard for the families they portray. So what is the motivation for blended families to continue to accuse and misrepresent situations; control, image, and getting a hand up in court at the expense of the kids???

   We have all participated in the game. Even I have intentionally provided information to the other parent in a way I knew they would get wound up, just to mess with them…did I just admit that out loud?? Let’s be real.

   The only reason the paparazzi and the tabloids continue to exist is because there are people on the other side that buy into the story and support their actions monetarily. When we, as a blended family, stop buying into the drama that comes with the territory, things can go a lot smoother. Will the other side stop watching your every move and reporting your errors on social media sites? Likely not. Will the other side see that you only have the best intentions for your kids? Not a chance. Will the other side stop manipulating situations to their benefit or to get that piece of information over you? Probably not.

BUT

   We can CHOOSE to live a life of integrity regardless of what the other parent feels or says about you. Just because it is printed in the tabloids doesn't mean it is true. It doesn't mean you have to offer a rebuttal for every accusation. Most importantly, you don’t have to let the other parent make you feel inferior or question the value of the role you have in your children’s lives.

   

Focus on the good, focus on your family and put your trust in God. We don’t have to always look over our shoulder anticipating the next attack. I strongly believe satan uses our specific situation to break us down, to destroy the single biggest threat to his existence…a strong Godly family. We are stronger together and he knows it.

   Just because our first, or second, marriages fail…doesn't mean God doesn't have a good plan for our lives. Focus on moving forward, not on the attacks from the other parent. God says we don’t have to live on the defense, we live on the offense…knowing he will fight our battles for us and we have the victory!!!!

“Put on all of God's armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. For we [fn] are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places. Therefore, put on every piece of God's armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm.”

Ephesians 6:11-13

“The LORD says, "I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name. When they call on me, I will answer; I will be with them in trouble. I will rescue and honor them.” Psalms 91: 14-15

Thankful for Successful Vacations

   Well, it's been a few weeks since I've blogged. We have successfully completed another family vacation. And by successfully, I mean we came home home with all of our children...unharmed...physically. It is always nice to get away from "Normal", turn your world upside down and try hard to make the best memories you can.

Our vacation went something like this:

12	people on a road trip
60	hours in a car
12	days of vacation in NC
3	hotel stays
2	days at Washington DC
2	days at a beach
15	people staying in one house
1	sleepless baby
37	questions of "Are we there?"
281	"I'm hungry"
25	miles of sightseeing
26	energy drinks
13	"If you don’t behave, I'm gonna…"
0	Lost children

  There were times we were sooo exhausted, physically and mentally. We wondered if the kids truly appreciated the sacrifices we made to give them the experience. We wondered if it was all worth it...

The answer is a thousand times, YES!

   We got to see the look on our kids' faces when they got to play in the Atlantic Ocean for the first time, their excitement at trying to find that next seashell. They visited our nation's capitol and were awed by the creatures displayed in the museum and the size of the Washington and Lincoln monuments. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, parents and kids all got to experience these sights, each for the first time, together. There will never be another first time for them and we got to give that to them. The memories, the laughs, the frustrations...all of it.

   After coordinating schedules with the exes, daily calls to check in, and communicating locations added to all of the other work to make this happen, the trip was worth it. One family, experiencing the "firsts" of life, together.

For those 12 days, we were 1 unit. Not yours, not mine, not ours...but "all of us". At home, we only see glimpses of "all of us". Vacation gave us time away from the blended chaos, away from the back and forth between parents. And for 12 days, there was some peace...not peace as in quiet or lack of frustration, but a peace only a blended family would understand. For those 12 days, the focus was away from the drama, frustration and confusion that is the unfortunate staple of a blended family. Family became the focus.

  So, if you are considering a vacation, wondering if you can coordinate schedules or if it would even be worth the hassle....the answer is YES. It won't be perfect, but you won't regret it.

Life is Like Garage Sales and Road Trips

    On the surface, Garage Sales and Road Trips do not have a lot in common other than the potential for complete chaos! Many people would rather have a root canal than participate in either of these activities. Other people are just crazy!

    Me, I’m on the crazy side…if you wouldn’t have guessed. I’m a planner and both activities require a lot of planning! Going into the process I am hopeful. I’m organizing for the sale, researching hotels, mapping out the best routes, re-arranging visitation schedules and even creating an itinerary. And that’s how I usually start large projects…with wide eyes, rose-colored glasses and a creepy smile as I explore all of the possibilities!

    My “To Do” list for the next 10 days include both a garage sale and a big road trip with the family. As I think through all the planning and organizing needed, reality sets in and it is easy to feel overwhelmed at all the work. There is a potential, that despite all the effort I put into the process, something could go wrong. Time slips away faster and faster. And what’s worse, so does my energy. Red Bull no longer gives me wings and I wonder if I could pull it off.

    In some of my past experiences, it was so easy for me to get caught up in preparations (to prevent any potential obstacle before it happens) and not enjoy the process. I start out with all the hope and excitement of a kid with a new puppy that realizes cleaning up messes is not pleasant. By the time we would pull out of the driveway to begin our trip, I’d be on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I would almost wait for a bad look or slight hint of an attitude from my husband or one of the kids so I could feel justified for being in a bad mood. The result was that it’s no fun for anyone. I’d have to step back periodically and remind myself that although these processes can be overwhelming, the payoff can be something amazing.

    This process also reminds me of being a parent and life in general. It takes a lot of planning and effort. There are obstacles along the way. We may get overwhelmed with all the preparation at times. But our ultimate goal is to know that we did something good and to see the results of all of our hard work. We expect a good outcome for our kids and we want good memories for them and for us. We love being parents, we love our family and we expect good things.

So in my preparations this week, I’m going to choose to:

• Focus on the outcome.
• RELAX.
• Anticipate something great to happen for our family.
• Minimize the frustration over any obstacles.
• Enjoy creating memories

Road Trip…36 hours and 22 minutes (minimum) in a van, filled to capacity…4 teenagers, 2 young kids and a baby. Please PRAY for us!

Divorce is NOT an Excuse!

Divorce is a failure. There is no way around it. We can reason with ourselves that it was something less to make us feel better but the reality is the marriage failed. We became a statistic, despite all of our best intentions going into it. Because of the chaos that ensues after a divorce, we immediately start making excuses for how and why things went south. We may behave in ways that are childish and selfish, and justify our actions by the hurt. As long as we embrace the excuses that help to shield us from hurt and rejection, the longer we are held back from enjoying a life of promise, given to us by God.

Divorce is tragic. But, there is something so much more tragic than divorce…making divorce an excuse for your present and future.

When you allow the promises of God for your life to be overshadowed by your temporary failures…that is the true tragedy.

When we learn to rely on God, instead of using divorce as our excuse, we find freedom. Freedom from pain, freedom from condemnation, freedom from fear…

God Forgives, God restores, God Loves

Here are some Divorce Excuses and what God’s Word has to say…

The Divorce Excuse	God Says…
Divorce is not an excuse to pull away from God.	“Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.” James 1:12
Divorce is not an excuse to label yourself as a failure.	“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” 2 Corinthians 5:17
Divorce is not an excuse to treat people poorly…even your ex.	“Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” Romans 12:17-18
Divorce is not an excuse to live in poverty.	“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the Lord, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile.” Jeremiah 19:11-14
Divorce is not an excuse to have no dreams or plans for your future.	“There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off. Listen, my son, and be wise, and set your heart on the right path” Proverbs 23:18-19
Divorce is not an excuse to justify “wrong” actions as “right”.	“If you are wise and understand God's ways, prove it by living an honorable life, doing good works with the humility that comes from wisdom.” James 3:13
Divorce is not an excuse to be depressed.	“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. A righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all.” Psalm 34:18-19

Then There Were Two (Times of Quiet)



Our house is busy most times. With 7 kids, family and friends, there is never a dull moment. Even when the kids are not home, we are planning their events, running errands for them, going to soccer games, doing their laundry and otherwise preparing for their return. There are times we find ourselves wishing for “quiet” moments.

As usual, this past week was full. We had all of the kids, a doctor’s appointment, 4^th of July, a birthday party and helping someone move. Last week was our “normal”.

This week is NOT “normal”. My husband and son are away at camp, 2 of our daughters are on a trip with their father and our other 3 daughters are with their mother. Then there were two….me and the baby. For the first time, in a long time, I am home without the hustle and bustle of our big family. I don’t have a long To Do list and everything that NEEDS to get done, I could get done in a day.

My first thought…Woohoo! I can use the restroom without interruption!! I can clean without a mess following me! I just might be able to read a book for fun….you know, everything a mom hopes for when she gets time to herself!

Then it hit me. I already miss my husband. My mind is racing about where each of the kids are. Are they safe? Are they having fun? The quiet, empty house is as awkward as socks with sandals. I have this perpetual feeling like I am forgetting something…which we know is not a settling feeling because 9 times out of 10, you truly are forgetting something. Ugh!

So this week, my prayer is for protection for my family (wherever they are) and REST. With God, I will find rest this week. My family will be safe and He will calm my anxious thoughts.

“Then Jesus said, ‘Let's go off by ourselves to a quiet place and rest awhile.’ He said this because there were so many people coming and going that Jesus and his apostles didn't even have time to eat.” Mark 6:31

“Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7

Hearing Your Child’s Heart Break

   This post is a difficult one to write. Our primary role as a parent is to protect our children, love our children and teach our children. It is one thing to protect and teach our children about situations we can anticipate will hurt them. We protect them by teaching about stranger danger, street safety and household hazards.

  In a blended family, this protection is often fragmented and we are left to implicitly trust the other parent to protect, love and teach our children when we are absent. We have to trust they love our children just as much as we do.

    Despite everyone’s best intentions, sometimes our children will face some very difficult circumstances. And when these occur at the other parent’s home, it is so hard to know how, and when, to step in and pick up the emotional pieces. Depending on the circumstances, we cannot always say “Your home, your problem”. Because the child is hurting, it becomes “Their Home (regardless of which one), Our Problem”.

    Heartbreak is hard on anyone, especially a child. I’m not talking about the sadness that comes from a child losing their favorite toy or their best friend saying something mean to them. I’m talking about the deep heartbreak from a change in circumstances that leaves a child’s sense of security shaken.

    Recently, our children have been facing some big challenges at the other parent’s home…a parent moving away, the death of a loved one and mistreatment by a family member. They have lots of questions and are confused by their emotions. As a parent, I begin to feel helpless to protect them. As their heart breaks, so does mine.

    This weekend, I attended a service at my church and part of the message had such profound meaning for my husband and I.  It gave us perspective and hope for our situation. Instead of focusing on how I need to help my children the ways I know how, I should be asking God to help me, help them.

So this week, we are choosing the following:

• Ask God to help us, help them. God loves our children more than we do. He knows what THEY need during this time. We will trust Him to show us what we need to do.

 “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7

• Pray, Pray, Pray. Pray for the situation. Pray for the other parent’s household and family. Pray with the children. Remind them God is there to listen and to help. He cares about them.

“The Lord hears his people when they call to Him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.” Psalms 34:17-18

• Be patient and encouraging. We will try to cut some slack where we can, give more grace and encourage them things will get better.

“…weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning.” Psalm 30:5

• We will speak life into the situation. Surround them with positive words and situations. We will promote hope and restoration and keep the lines of communication open.

“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” Ephesians 4:29

• Call in reinforcements. We are not the only people who love and care for our children. Let family and friends know of the situation and how they can help and pray for us. We understand our children may be hurting and need to feel they are not alone.

“I also tell you this: if two of you agree here on earth concerning anything you ask, my Father in Heaven will do it for you. For where two or three gather together as my followers, I am there among them.” Matthew 18:19-20

   

 We have faith for a breakthrough in our situation. We CHOOSE to focus on what is good. Doing anything else would be destruction. The devil would like nothing more than to destroy our family. We see this as an attack from the enemy and will stand on God’s promises for victory!!!

 

Welcome, Baby Sister!

    The term, "Yours, Mine and Ours" has taken on a new meaning for our family. My husband has three beautiful teenage girls, I have a wonderful preteen son and two elementary aged ladies. Four and a half months ago, we welcomed OUR daughter to the family. There is a seven year gap between Baby Sister and the youngest of the other kids.

   Besides feeling like we are starting over as parents, we are learning the baby has had much more of an impact on our family than we had initially realized. We had many hesitations when deciding whether or not to expand our already large family. Could we afford it, can we give a new addition a good life, is there enough time to spread around, are we too old....?? The list went on.

   Despite our hesitations, we decided to have a baby. She has been a complete joy. She has such a calm personality and is mostly a happy baby (other than when she's hungry or tired).

  The biggest impact has been on the other kids. They have a common bond, something they all share. Their relationship with their sister is a shared experience and has brought them closer as a family.

   We will be learning as we all grow into our new family dynamic. I am eagerly anticipating the opportunities ahead...each situation a chance to learn and grow into a better person.

"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."  Philippians 4:13

Dear Bio Mom, From the Stepmom

Dear Mother of my Stepchildren,

   I know you did not choose me and the situation was not your dream outcome when you married my husband years ago. Because I am a mother who also has to accept this new reality with my children’s stepmother, I can relate to you frustration. I also wonder if another person can love and care for my children the way I deem appropriate. I get insecure when my children relate to their stepmother in ways that seem to detract my role as a mother. As a mother and a stepmother, there are several things I would love for you to understand, from a stepmother’s point of view.

I know I am not your children’s biological mother. I do not exert the primary mother role and would never expect to take precedence over you in their lives. I also do not demean you or make your children feel you are anything less.

I love your children. You have great kids and I enjoy having a part in their lives. Just as your family friend or relative does, I believe it is appropriate to be able to show affection, have meaningful conversations, and go on outings. These are pathways to healthy relationships.

I manage my household. This does include caring for your children while they are at my home. It is not realistic for me not to cook for them, buy personal items, take them to their activities or other things.

I encourage responsibility and discipline where necessary. I stand behind their father in implementing chores to clean up their messes, apologize when they wrong each other, and hold them accountable when they are disrespectful. Their father doles out discipline, but I have to stand behind it. We don’t undermine the rules at your home and hope for the same consideration from you.

Conflict impacts my entire home. When you fight with my husband and include the kids in your disagreement, this carries over to our household. The attitudes, moods, and tension between the kids and their father affect everything. The tension carries over into activities, interactions with other family members and makes the time spent less enjoyable for everyone. This robs everyone of the opportunity to make enjoyable memories and build healthy relationships with people other than your ex-spouse…stepsiblings, grandparents, and friends.

My example can impact the children’s future. Everything we do impacts the children in a positive or negative way. We should always be seeking to guard the children and make them the priority, minimizing the stress of the situation. If we cannot be cordial and come to compromise for their sake, they will suffer. We should not be the cause of their future relationship struggles because we were poor examples.

I am not perfect. I will mess up. Being a stepmom is hard. I know I am held to different standards than you would hold for yourself. I know I will fail to live up to expectations that are there. Please know that I never intentionally do anything to stir you to anger or to impact the kids in a negative way.

  

I pray for you and your children. I pray daily for your children, for you, and for the situation. I pray God shows me how to be the best stepmom I can be, make the best decisions I can and be the best support I can. I pray the children are protected from negative circumstances. I pray for you, honestly and sincerely.

With all respect,

The Stepmom

Things I never Thought I'd Say

My husband says my blog should have more light-hearted topics…and I admit, he is right  (but don’t tell him of it might go to his head). In a big blended family, it never hurts to have a little humor…

I was thinking about something today, fully entertaining the idea, when I thought to myself (with a laugh) “I never thought, in a million years, I’d say that!”

So, I have compiled a list of things I never thought I’d say…

1. “We need a 12 passenger van as a family vehicle…let’s look into working it into our budget.”
2. “That family pack of ground meat is not enough for dinner…I think I’ll get 2.”
3. “Let’s get bunk beds for every room…I wonder how much the sturdy, army style beds are?”
4. “The biggest crockpot only cooks 7 quarts?!?! I think I’ll need 2.”
5. “Our grocery budget is quickly approaching the amount needed for a house payment.”
6. “I can only take 4 kids with me to the store, the others will need to stay home this time.”
7. “I hate filling out forms with ‘List all Children in the Home’ because there is never enough space.”
8. “No, my biological children are not adopted.”
9. “We would like to RSVP 9 people for our immediate family.”
10. “That jumbo pack of double roll toilet paper should last a week. I might need 2”

If you’re in a situation like mine, WHAT ARE SOME THINGS YOU COULD ADD TO THIS LIST?

"I'm Bored" Came to Visit for the Summer

School is out. Summer is here. Kids and teachers all over the country are enjoying a nice, relaxing break from the routine of schoolwork, schedules and grades…

…And then reality sets in on Day 2.

Kids have an expectation of an amazing summer filled with swimming, hanging out with friends, family vacations, and day trips to theme parks. When they find themselves submersed in a situation where they are tasked with entertaining themselves in between these fun summer activities, parents quickly hear the words “I’m Bored”…

We often expect our kids to find something to keep themselves occupied while we are still at work or still managing the household. We hope our kids understand what is on and off limits, but that isn’t always the case.

Our 11 year old decided to make homemade orange juice out of a 5-pound bag of oranges!

Our 7 year old decided to make a whole restaurant, food and utensils, out of paper. Although it kept her busy for many hours, resulted in a big mess of paper clippings we were cleaning up for months!

A few of the girls decided to paint their nails, and the table, and the floors!

Okay, so what is a parent to do? We cannot always schedule every minute of our kids’ day with activities. Isn’t that the point of summer…taking a break from schedules?!?! We cannot afford to have regular BIG activities like vacations away from home, theme parks, etc. We also cannot go another 2 months hearing, “I’m Bored” over and over.

Shhh….Secretly, I begin to resent that they can even utter those words since I haven’t been able to say it since I was their age. I’d give anything to be “Bored” for a summer!!

Kids will be kids but maybe there are a few things that will help minimize our unwanted summer visitor of “I’m Bored”.

Summer Camps – That’s right, ship the kids off for a week to get a break from their summer vacation! There are also day camps, sports camps, activities at the library, etc. Our town has a “Kid’s Directory” that lists activities for each month at various places.

To Do List – Ask the kids to make a list of things they would like to do or accomplish during the summer and see where you can accommodate. This was my husband’s idea and the older kids liked being able to give input.

Supervised Time for Messy Activities – Set aside time in advance where kids can have a messy activity, and let the kids know when that time will be. This will help thwart the daily questions like, “Can I paint? Can I bake? Can I make glitter crafts?”

Activities Allowed without Permission – Let the kids know which activities they are allowed to do without permission. For example: drawing, movie, reading books, playing outside (daytime), etc.

Visit Grandparents – Allow the kids to spend a few days with family members like grandparents or aunts and uncles. This helps build those special bonds they will treasure throughout their lives.

Learn Something New – Take time to help the kids find something new to learn. We are trying gardening. Encourage them to read up on it and spend time working on it. Give them something they can be responsible for.

Take a Walk – I feel this is the most undervalued activity any family could do together. You can take a nature walk together and give the kids a checklist of nature things to find. Walk at a river or lake, at a local track, around the neighborhood or to the store. You get exercise, bonding time and a bigger sense of the world.

There are so many more activities that could be added to this list. You are only limited by your imagination. If you are lacking in imagination (and energy), look online for some great ideas or subscribe to a family magazine (I like Disney’s Family Fun magazine).

If all else fails, threaten your kids that if “I’m Bored” is uttered in your presence, it will earn them a physical labor type chore assignment. In the wise words of my own mother “If you can’t find something to do; I’ll find something for you.”