Dear Mother of my Stepchildren,
I know you did not choose me and the situation was not your dream outcome when you married my husband years ago. Because I am a mother who also has to accept this new reality with my children’s stepmother, I can relate to you frustration. I also wonder if another person can love and care for my children the way I deem appropriate. I get insecure when my children relate to their stepmother in ways that seem to detract my role as a mother. As a mother and a stepmother, there are several things I would love for you to understand, from a stepmother’s point of view.
I know I am not your children’s biological mother. I do not exert the primary mother role and would never expect to take precedence over you in their lives. I also do not demean you or make your children feel you are anything less.
I love your children. You have great kids and I enjoy having a part in their lives. Just as your family friend or relative does, I believe it is appropriate to be able to show affection, have meaningful conversations, and go on outings. These are pathways to healthy relationships.
I manage my household. This does include caring for your children while they are at my home. It is not realistic for me not to cook for them, buy personal items, take them to their activities or other things.
I encourage responsibility and discipline where necessary. I stand behind their father in implementing chores to clean up their messes, apologize when they wrong each other, and hold them accountable when they are disrespectful. Their father doles out discipline, but I have to stand behind it. We don’t undermine the rules at your home and hope for the same consideration from you.
Conflict impacts my entire home. When you fight with my husband and include the kids in your disagreement, this carries over to our household. The attitudes, moods, and tension between the kids and their father affect everything. The tension carries over into activities, interactions with other family members and makes the time spent less enjoyable for everyone. This robs everyone of the opportunity to make enjoyable memories and build healthy relationships with people other than your ex-spouse…stepsiblings, grandparents, and friends.
My example can impact the children’s future. Everything we do impacts the children in a positive or negative way. We should always be seeking to guard the children and make them the priority, minimizing the stress of the situation. If we cannot be cordial and come to compromise for their sake, they will suffer. We should not be the cause of their future relationship struggles because we were poor examples.
I am not perfect. I will mess up. Being a stepmom is hard. I know I am held to different standards than you would hold for yourself. I know I will fail to live up to expectations that are there. Please know that I never intentionally do anything to stir you to anger or to impact the kids in a negative way.
I pray for you and your children. I pray daily for your children, for you, and for the situation. I pray God shows me how to be the best stepmom I can be, make the best decisions I can and be the best support I can. I pray the children are protected from negative circumstances. I pray for you, honestly and sincerely.
With all respect,
The Stepmom
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