Think Twice Before Interfering with Your Child's Relationship with their Other Parent

Children thrive on relationships. Their ability to see a person's best qualities and be almost blind to their faults is something truly special. This openness in relationship allows children to experience the fullness of what people have to offer, without fear. The world is good. Somewhere along the way, we learn people are flawed and the world doesn't always do what's right. 

Parents in custody disputes are often very knowledgeable about the other parent's flaws. In many cases, each flaw is exaggerated and used against the other parent. Protecting a child from another parent's flaws becomes a need, much like breathing. 

In the name of "protection", parents act as self-appointed judge and jury. They interfere in all aspects of the other, imperfect parent's ability to build a relationship with their child...judging every action and handing out punishments for any perceived offense. Sometimes the interference is unintentional, but in most cases it's intentionally manipulative. These parents seek to "win" their child or "justify" themselves at the expense of the other, lifting themselves higher. Children are  exposed to negative talk about the other parent,  told about adult disagreements/situations, discouraged/not allowed to visit, have monitored communication or schooled on reasons the other parent is not a good person.

You may say I don't understand. Your situation is different. The other parent hurts your child's feelings. They don't know how to be a good parent. The child doesn't like going to the other parent's house. You need to understand a few things. 

1) At some point, you have (or will) hurt your child's feelings. It happens in every parent-child relationship. It doesn't deserve your removal from the child any more than the other parent. 

2) Being a parent doesn't come with a manual and you will make mistakes. We all miss the mark. There is no such thing as a perfect parent. Again, if you mess up you don't deserve to lose access to your child so why would you crucify the other parent for their mistakes?

3)  Children's emotions are fragile and changing, and shouldn't drive major life decisions. Your child may not like their teacher at school but it doesn't mean you stop sending them. The benefits of an education are more important than their temporary discomfort.  Likewise, the benefit of the relationship with both parents is more important than their temporary discomfort. When the pendulum swings and it's your home they don't like (it will happen), you don't deserve to lose access to your child.

If you ever discuss the other parent in a negative way or otherwise interfere with the child's relationship with the other parent...STOP! You may be right in everything you say, but is YOUR need to be right more important to you than your CHILD'S future?

When you interfere,  you are acting as if your short term victory is more important than your child's long term defeat!

DEFEAT? Absolutely. Your child loses...EVERY time. Let's pretend for a moment there are not mountains of studies of the negative effects on children who were estranged from one of their parents. Poor coping, depression,  relationship issues in adulthood,  low self-esteem, at risk behavior like sex and drug use, teen pregnancy, suicide...do I have your attention yet? There's more.

In addition to increasing your child's risk for things mentioned above, there is MORE damage you do when interfering in your child's relationship with the other parent. Including:

1. You steal their innocence. 

You rob them of experiencing the good in people. Their love is restrained and guarded when it should be open and free. It is not your job to expose the other parent's flaws to your child. The other parent may truly be a liar, have poor parenting skills, be a deadbeat or whatever else. If these are true character flaws, your child will learn them on their own...without your help. Encourage them to love others, especially a parent, despite their flaws. After all, you want them to love you with the same consideration. 

2. You shatter their support system. 

Despite how you feel about the other parent, they bring more than their flaws to the table. They themselves are support for the child, and so are other family members and friends. You don't just remove one person from the child's life, you remove everyone. The weaker the child's overall support systems, the higher risk for long term struggle. These connections are important in teaching the child things you. They also offer love and support. When these people are gone, such as a death in the family, the child will never be able to get that relationship back. You forever robbed them of the good things these people had to offer.

3. You steal their membership.

Birthdays, holidays,  anniversaries, family reunions, vacations, grandparent visits, play dates with cousins...all these events are either tainted or not accessible to the child. They feel they no longer belong, they're not important...it's tragic to take this away to prove you're right.

4. You steal special moments...their childhood. 

You may feel every moment at the other parent's home is torture on your child...and you'd be wrong. You only get a small glimpse of your child's life at the other home. If you are pumping your child for all the negative events and information at the other house, that's all you get. Kids will tell you what they think you want to hear. If you make a big deal about every perceived mistreatment and downplay or disregard the good things...the child will stop telling you the good. They get more affectionate responses when you go into protective mode. 

Every home, including yours, has good and bad moments for your child. In the good moments, memories are being made. Family boards games, playing with siblings, overnight visits with grandparents,  making cookies, learning knock knock jokes...memories. Interfering with the other parent's access blocks these opportunities.

My Challenge to You:

• Learn to separate your own selfish motives (or fears) from the needs of your children. Children NEED to be loved and accepted by both parents and the support systems they bring with them.
• Set aside the unrealistic expectations of the other parent to be always perfect. Show grace and be supportive because someday, you may need grace and support in return.
• Actively encourage your children to love and participate with the other parent despite your own, and sometimes the child's, short term discomfort.
• Allow your child to develop a relationship with the other parent on their own, without interference. Their relationship may be rocky, but it will be theirs.

Disclaimer: This information is not intended to apply to true abusive situations. There are true cases of abuse and this blog, in no way, minimizes the suffering in those situations. There is a big difference in having flaws and being abusive. However, any attempt to distort a loving parent's flaw into false allegations of abuse, maliciously limiting access to a child, is unethical. These parents should lose custody because they have become the abuser.

To Stepmothers: Whatever Your Role, It Is Enough

Having a biological child does not come with an instruction manual of the "right" way to raise a baby, neither does being a stepmother come with one. It is so easy to be hard on ourselves, much like a new mother would be. Unfortunately, biological mothers are given much more mercy than a stepmother. Stepmothers are often under an intense microscope, being accused of wrongdoing, being stalked or harassed in the name of "family". Although there are some stepmom-biomom relationships that are in a good place, most are not.  

If you're like me, you've probably thought one of the following:

I don't do all the things other stepmoms do for their stepchildren, I must be doing something wrong?

How can I be positive when someone relentlessly points out my flaws?

I am really, really trying but I can't seem to do anything right.

Everything I say and do gets misinterpreted.

With all of the uncertainty in stepfamily life, our security is often shaken. As stepmoms, we take a hit to our self-esteem regularly but it doesn't mean we have to be a victim of our circumstances. We don't need to be validated by others. We are heroes whether others see it that way or not. No matter what anyone says, being a stepmom is important. As long as we are fostering healthy relationships and not igniting the drama, you can be secure in your place.

"Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone.If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." Romans 12:17-18

Whatever role or capacity we play, we are more than enough. If there is any deficiency, we can trust God will make up the difference.

"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

If you are a stepmom who...

...sees your stepkids every other weekend, you are enough.

...has full custody of your stepkids, you are enough.

...has been in your stepfamily one month, you are enough.

...has been in your stepfamily for 10 years, you are enough.

...only provides transportation for stepchildren, you are enough.

...sees your stepchildren once per year, you are enough.

...has grown stepchildren, you are enough.

...has a rocky relationship with your stepchildren, you are enough.

...is on the verge of a nervous breakdown, you are enough.

...tries to balance biochildren and stepchildren, you are enough.

...feel tired of the drama, you are enough.

If I can encourage you in anything, understand there is no "right" way to be a stepmom.Your role in your family, whatever that may be, is important. You can choose peace despite dysfunction. You are Enough.

You Don't Look Like You Have That Many Kids

When I tell people I have 7 children, I immediately get the response, "You don't look like you could have 7 children!!". I always find myself with the urge to explain. The conversation that follows divulges more information than I care to share in most cases. In a matter of a few sentences, a practical stranger knows my husband and I have both divorced, we are a blended family and that I am a stepmom.

I find humor in these interactions. I don't know if I should be flattered I don't look like I should have 7 children. What does that even mean? What is a mother of 7 children supposed to look like anyway? Biologically speaking, I could have birthed all 7 kids in the course of my life. Meaning, I am old enough and the age distribution of our kids would be feasibly possible had I had 7 kids myself. Am I supposed to have the dark circles under my eyes, the baby on the hip, frazzled hair and permanent frown? I know several moms with kids and they are beautiful, superheroes!

When someone finds out I am also a stepmother, the awe that permeated our conversations before transforms to pity. The conversation takes a more awkward turn. Not awkward for me because I have heard it a thousand times, but more awkward for my unsuspecting conversationalist. "Wow, how do you do it?", "Do they live with you?" or "They look like they could be yours." are the normal responses, followed by a quick exit.

Being a stepmom enlists us into this world of drama. Everyone knows it. Very few want to have anything to do with it. Other mothers may pity us from afar, but in conversations are reluctant to "open a can of worms".

I know I can do better about speaking more positively about life in general. The stepmom role consumes so much of our time and energy, especially in high conflict situations. The result is recurring conversations with our friends, family or random acquaintances about "what the bio mom is up to now", "we went to court again and..."or "you won't believe what she did". 

I'm learning, no one wants to hear that mess! Nothing personal. I even get tired of dealing with it, so why would anyone else volunteer to be "brought up to speed".

So, let's save our anxious conversations for support groups or conversations with our spouse...for everyone else, find something more positive to talk about. We are MORE than a stepmom. We should have a life that doesn't revolve around bio mom drama. We should find reasons to celebrate our life. If put on the spot, we should be able to rattle off a list of great things going on! If not, we need to find more of the good life...the God life!

I, in fact, enjoy not looking like I would have 7 kids. Next time anyone asks, I may just explain I had 4 of my kids and adopted the other 3 and bypass all the stepmom stigma and baby momma drama.