- I have a wonderful husband. He’s my best friend and my partner in crime. I couldn’t do this without him.
- My kids are kind-hearted, well behaved, talented, and smart. They bring joy to my life. It definitely would be boring without them.
- I have amazing friends and family. They provide love, encouragement and support.
- I get to invest time in teenagers in an impactful way, filling God’s call on my life.
- I have a home and food in our bellies. Our bills are paid.
- I have a job that helps me supply for my family and is flexible to allow me to be both a good mother and a good employee.
- I am growing as a person through Christ.
- I have the opportunity to continue my education and can excel in learning.
- I have my health and the ability to improve.
- I have favor in times of adversity………………..
A blog about my personal journey in a blended family. Kem McNeill is a bio mother and a stepmother. Blended families are hard, but with the support of God, family and friends, we can all rock this stepfamily journey!
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
A Dose of Positivity
Monday, May 20, 2013
Relationship Building with Kids in a Blended Family
- You spend more time with them than you do with me.
- You don’t play with me anymore.
- Mom (ex spouse) says you’re supposed to be doing something special with me.
- Do you love them more than me?
- You’re harder on me than everyone else.
- I feel left out, overlooked, ignored.
- Be There. Show up to games/activities and only miss for major circumstances. Even when the kids are with the other parent, we try to make every sport game, every orchestra concert, and every awards ceremony.
- “Divide and Conquer”. My husband and I will split up when events conflict. It is better for one parent to be there than no one. Send representation from your household.
- Participate. When at events, stay engaged and interested in what they are doing, cheer for them
- Relate Differently. For example, some of the kids are cuddly and some are distant.
- Provide opportunities to love on the kids the way they need to.
- For example, at family movie night, let the non-cuddly kids help make popcorn, pick out snacks or the movie. For the others, encourage them to bring in their blankets and curl up with them on the couch.
- Have Fun as a Family. Time spent with them is more important than what we can buy them.
- Play board games, go to the park, draw/color with them and any other activities your family likes to do.
- The kids need to see the interaction as a group. The more you segregate the attention to one kid, the more opportunity there is for hurt feelings.
- Teach Them Something New. We cook meals together, bake cookies, make crafts, grow plants, draw, etc. Kids are eager to learn and the opportunity allows you to be close to them, accomplishing something together.
- This is, by far, the hardest for us. We lack a lot of energy to do the big family things and often resort to watching movies with them instead. Our desire is to improve in this area.
- Listen to Their Stories. Kids have a lot to say and they need to know you are interested in their day, things that happen in their lives and laugh about things they find funny. Not paying attention sends them a message that you do not care.
- Journal with Them. This is a new activity we’ve tried at our home. I bought a nice notebook for each kid. In it, we write letters back and forth.
- The rules are simple: 1. Write about ANYTHING you want. 2. Answer a question. 3. Ask a Question. 4. Journal stays between us. (dad or other kids can’t read). (NOTE: It is clear, Dad doesn’t read UNLESS there is concerning behavior).
- Each kid enjoys the experience and looks forward to getting responses. They have the opportunity to talk about things that would otherwise be embarrassing for them and it gives them a memento they can look back on when they’re older.
- Topics that have come up are: games we like, places we’d like to visit, boys and crushes, recommendations for family activities, advice for future careers and exploring talents.
- The rules are simple: 1. Write about ANYTHING you want. 2. Answer a question. 3. Ask a Question. 4. Journal stays between us. (dad or other kids can’t read). (NOTE: It is clear, Dad doesn’t read UNLESS there is concerning behavior).
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Marriage Foundations in a Blended Family
- Put God first. Focus on building a Godly home, invite Him into the process and pray for your family every day. Get in His Word to find scriptures you can stand on for your family.
- Commit to Stay – No Matter What. Don’t live with one foot out the door or make your spouse feel like leaving is an option. Security is crucial to blended family marriages.
- Get Outside Help. Whether you like it or not, there is a reason first marriages fail and you can never come out unscathed. Go to a Godly counsel (outside the family) to help you learn healthy marriage builders and work to overcome the effects of past hurts. If it costs…it is a necessary investment.
- Build a Support System. Family and friends are a good place to start to build a network of people who will lift up your new family, encourage you and support you. If you do not have friends, make new friends by attending parenting or religious groups focusing on blended family situations. Open yourself up to help and be willing to provide help and encouragement in return. Get rid of people in your life that are toxic.
- Take Time for Each Other. Make an effort to do what you can to spend time together and to encourage each other. At the end of this situation, there is only you and your spouse…make them a priority. We rearranged our visitation schedules with the kids so we would have some time alone. If necessary, get a sitter for a date night. Whatever it takes, make it happen.
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Happy Mother's Day!
- I will encourage my children to call their step-mom to wish her a Happy Mother's Day, make her a card, craft or cookies.
- I will remember that my children showing affection to to their step-mom, in no way, diminishes MY role in their lives.
- I will be the bigger person and not show my children the tension that may be there from other situations that have happened.
- I will help my kids feel comfortable showing affection, honor and respect to their step-mom, even if it is not reciprocated.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Beautiful Blended Mess
Blending a family is not just taking two families and bringing them together, it is blending each individual person into a new family. Certainly mixing 2 units together is easier than mixing 9…2 parents and 7 kids, in our case! The reality is that each person comes into the new family with needs, personalities and expectations. It is a guarantee, at some point, these will clash…leaving a blended mess.
As a parent in a blended family, we strive to stop the cycle of brokenness, bring new opportunities to our children and model for them what “good” relationships look like. We want to teach our kids that life can be fulfilling and help to mend their broken hearts.
Even with the greatest intentions and a mountain of effort by both parents, life can become more difficult than expected and the blending doesn’t go so well. Frustration quickly sets in and you wonder why you even try.
There is hope!
When baking a cake from scratch for the first time, it rarely turns out how you wanted it to. When taking on a new project to build something you never have before, there are always things that could have been better.
You often miss something, have to make patches/repairs or even start over. Blending a family is the same way. We often won’t do things right the first time and effort is not always an indication of success…persistence is.
Keep trying to build relationships, keep working on your marriage, keep including the kids, keep telling them you love them, keep building patience, keep learning about each member as an individual and keep striving to make things better.
It is the process that works.
God promises restoration. He promises to give back what the devil has stolen. In our family, the devil stole the peace and security of a healthy family. God is continually restoring us and we prove His grace every day. Our family is stronger because we place God first in our home and put in the work. When we stumble, His grace is sufficient and we can repair what’s needed and move forward.
With God, our blended mess becomes a masterpiece…what He originally intended.
I welcome the Beautiful Mess and all of the learning opportunities that come with it!
"Do not call to mind the former things, or ponder things of the past. Behold, I will do something new; Will you not be aware of it? I will make a roadway in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." Isaiah 43:18-19
Monday, May 6, 2013
The Brady Bunch...not quite
Wow...we have been on this blended family journey for about 3 years! I feel I have already learned so much, but still feel unprepared...just as unprepared as I was holding my 1st child for the first time...
Being in our family situation has many rewards but The Brady Bunch didn't paint a realistic picture of what "blending" really meant. I appreciate the term "blended family" because it refers to something that is mixed together and cannot be separated once together...contrary to the term "Step Family" indicating a separation.
"Blending" has been a much more emotional processes. In addition to the cliche bickering between kids, the feeling of being "left out" from time to time and the overall chaos that has become our life, there are other peaks in our roller coaster ride.
The friendships we get to develop with our step kids, the bonding of siblings, the stresses of exes, and the sometimes overwhelming schedules all add to this extreme ride of our lives. We go from highs to lows in seconds. The hardest part is that we are all learning this process at the same time...none of us have been on this ride before...
...but I wouldn't trade this for the world!!!