The Blame Game: It's Not My Fault

Something has really been bugging me. Not just in my own situation, but in many of the posts I read on the support pages in Facebook. It is always someone else's fault!

Taking responsibility for our actions and accepting their consequence is a true mark of maturity. We would hope and expect most adults to nurture this skills in life.

Unfortunately, in blended families, maturity is the exception and not the rule.

All blended families get caught up in "The Blame Game". We feel better about ourselves when it is someone else's fault. The sad reality is that we all fall into the trap at some point...the never-ending trap of showcasing someone else's faults while defending our own. And if we have any faults, it is only because the other person somehow put them there. We fool ourselves into thinking there is only one crazy participant and the other one is completely rational.

We're pretty sure who the crazy one is.

Maybe the crazy ones are all the people who participate in this blame game. We take turns blaming our exes and stepparents in a back and forth point match. Each person, always trying to get an upper hand. "Winning" is always temporary and the game just doesn't end. It reminds me of the old card game we played as kids called "War". Just when you think you won all the cards,
the opponent always ended up stealing an Ace during the flop. The game would sometimes last so long you'd get tired before anyone "won". Or like Monopoly. You have hotels built on all your properties. Your opponent is hanging on  with a few dollars. Then it happens. You land on Park Place, owned by the opponent, which is the only property he equipped with a hotel. They take back most of your money. Like the card game, Monopoly can go on for hours. Many times we lose interest before a winner is declared.

It's your fault I can't work and support my kids. 1 Point.
It's your fault our kids have emotional problems. 1 Point.
If you would step up and be a better mom, we wouldn't be having this issue. 1 Point.
Maybe your child would like you more if you weren't so controlling. 1 Point.
It's your fault my child doesn't want to see me. 1 Point.
My current marriage is struggling because of you. 1 Point.
I'd communicate more if you weren't so hateful. 1 Point.
I can't keep a job because of you. 1 Point.
I can't be involved in my kids' lives because of you. 1 Point.
You're putting so much stress on me, my health is getting worse. 1 Point.
You never cared about the kids, that's why they don't want you around. 1 Point.
I can't have a life anymore because of you. 1 Point.

At some point, a tie is better than winning. At some point, taking care of ourselves and stepping away from the game is necessary. At some point, we should get over ourselves.

There is never any good that comes out of blaming others, especially our exes. Blame is the fuel to the fire in the dysfunctional relationship with our child's other family. Children are always caught in the cross fires. The thing about games, it always takes TWO to play.

How do I not respond when the other parent is using something I am so passionate about (my kids) to attack me? Only respond if it is your children who are being attacked. An attack against you can only hurt your pride. Responding to defend your pride is a slippery slope. Pride will blind you to the damage you cause your children while playing the game. Responding to defend your pride will only result in more attacks.

Is defending your pride more important than protecting your kids from the game? Does attacking your ex for their shortcomings more important than using the same energy to build up your kids? Is playing the game more important than stopping the anger and frustration invading your heart and home?

Respond only when it is FOR the kids, not about the kids.
Respond only to state facts about the present. Past events are irrelevant.
Respond only when calm. If you're angry, keep your mouth shut.
Respond only to communicate logistics, not to showcase the other parent's shortcomings. Check your motive.
It's okay to NOT respond!

Let's encourage each other to bring MATURITY back into blended families. Let's protect our homes from the damage caused by the blame game. Let's step up to be better parents, looking for ways to spend our energy building our families.

"For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?" Matthew 7:2-3

Think Twice Before Interfering with Your Child's Relationship with their Other Parent

Children thrive on relationships. Their ability to see a person's best qualities and be almost blind to their faults is something truly special. This openness in relationship allows children to experience the fullness of what people have to offer, without fear. The world is good. Somewhere along the way, we learn people are flawed and the world doesn't always do what's right. 

Parents in custody disputes are often very knowledgeable about the other parent's flaws. In many cases, each flaw is exaggerated and used against the other parent. Protecting a child from another parent's flaws becomes a need, much like breathing. 

In the name of "protection", parents act as self-appointed judge and jury. They interfere in all aspects of the other, imperfect parent's ability to build a relationship with their child...judging every action and handing out punishments for any perceived offense. Sometimes the interference is unintentional, but in most cases it's intentionally manipulative. These parents seek to "win" their child or "justify" themselves at the expense of the other, lifting themselves higher. Children are  exposed to negative talk about the other parent,  told about adult disagreements/situations, discouraged/not allowed to visit, have monitored communication or schooled on reasons the other parent is not a good person.

You may say I don't understand. Your situation is different. The other parent hurts your child's feelings. They don't know how to be a good parent. The child doesn't like going to the other parent's house. You need to understand a few things. 

1) At some point, you have (or will) hurt your child's feelings. It happens in every parent-child relationship. It doesn't deserve your removal from the child any more than the other parent. 

2) Being a parent doesn't come with a manual and you will make mistakes. We all miss the mark. There is no such thing as a perfect parent. Again, if you mess up you don't deserve to lose access to your child so why would you crucify the other parent for their mistakes?

3)  Children's emotions are fragile and changing, and shouldn't drive major life decisions. Your child may not like their teacher at school but it doesn't mean you stop sending them. The benefits of an education are more important than their temporary discomfort.  Likewise, the benefit of the relationship with both parents is more important than their temporary discomfort. When the pendulum swings and it's your home they don't like (it will happen), you don't deserve to lose access to your child.

If you ever discuss the other parent in a negative way or otherwise interfere with the child's relationship with the other parent...STOP! You may be right in everything you say, but is YOUR need to be right more important to you than your CHILD'S future?

When you interfere,  you are acting as if your short term victory is more important than your child's long term defeat!

DEFEAT? Absolutely. Your child loses...EVERY time. Let's pretend for a moment there are not mountains of studies of the negative effects on children who were estranged from one of their parents. Poor coping, depression,  relationship issues in adulthood,  low self-esteem, at risk behavior like sex and drug use, teen pregnancy, suicide...do I have your attention yet? There's more.

In addition to increasing your child's risk for things mentioned above, there is MORE damage you do when interfering in your child's relationship with the other parent. Including:

1. You steal their innocence. 

You rob them of experiencing the good in people. Their love is restrained and guarded when it should be open and free. It is not your job to expose the other parent's flaws to your child. The other parent may truly be a liar, have poor parenting skills, be a deadbeat or whatever else. If these are true character flaws, your child will learn them on their own...without your help. Encourage them to love others, especially a parent, despite their flaws. After all, you want them to love you with the same consideration. 

2. You shatter their support system. 

Despite how you feel about the other parent, they bring more than their flaws to the table. They themselves are support for the child, and so are other family members and friends. You don't just remove one person from the child's life, you remove everyone. The weaker the child's overall support systems, the higher risk for long term struggle. These connections are important in teaching the child things you. They also offer love and support. When these people are gone, such as a death in the family, the child will never be able to get that relationship back. You forever robbed them of the good things these people had to offer.

3. You steal their membership.

Birthdays, holidays,  anniversaries, family reunions, vacations, grandparent visits, play dates with cousins...all these events are either tainted or not accessible to the child. They feel they no longer belong, they're not important...it's tragic to take this away to prove you're right.

4. You steal special moments...their childhood. 

You may feel every moment at the other parent's home is torture on your child...and you'd be wrong. You only get a small glimpse of your child's life at the other home. If you are pumping your child for all the negative events and information at the other house, that's all you get. Kids will tell you what they think you want to hear. If you make a big deal about every perceived mistreatment and downplay or disregard the good things...the child will stop telling you the good. They get more affectionate responses when you go into protective mode. 

Every home, including yours, has good and bad moments for your child. In the good moments, memories are being made. Family boards games, playing with siblings, overnight visits with grandparents,  making cookies, learning knock knock jokes...memories. Interfering with the other parent's access blocks these opportunities.

My Challenge to You:

• Learn to separate your own selfish motives (or fears) from the needs of your children. Children NEED to be loved and accepted by both parents and the support systems they bring with them.
• Set aside the unrealistic expectations of the other parent to be always perfect. Show grace and be supportive because someday, you may need grace and support in return.
• Actively encourage your children to love and participate with the other parent despite your own, and sometimes the child's, short term discomfort.
• Allow your child to develop a relationship with the other parent on their own, without interference. Their relationship may be rocky, but it will be theirs.

Disclaimer: This information is not intended to apply to true abusive situations. There are true cases of abuse and this blog, in no way, minimizes the suffering in those situations. There is a big difference in having flaws and being abusive. However, any attempt to distort a loving parent's flaw into false allegations of abuse, maliciously limiting access to a child, is unethical. These parents should lose custody because they have become the abuser.

To Stepmothers: Whatever Your Role, It Is Enough

Having a biological child does not come with an instruction manual of the "right" way to raise a baby, neither does being a stepmother come with one. It is so easy to be hard on ourselves, much like a new mother would be. Unfortunately, biological mothers are given much more mercy than a stepmother. Stepmothers are often under an intense microscope, being accused of wrongdoing, being stalked or harassed in the name of "family". Although there are some stepmom-biomom relationships that are in a good place, most are not.  

If you're like me, you've probably thought one of the following:

I don't do all the things other stepmoms do for their stepchildren, I must be doing something wrong?

How can I be positive when someone relentlessly points out my flaws?

I am really, really trying but I can't seem to do anything right.

Everything I say and do gets misinterpreted.

With all of the uncertainty in stepfamily life, our security is often shaken. As stepmoms, we take a hit to our self-esteem regularly but it doesn't mean we have to be a victim of our circumstances. We don't need to be validated by others. We are heroes whether others see it that way or not. No matter what anyone says, being a stepmom is important. As long as we are fostering healthy relationships and not igniting the drama, you can be secure in your place.

"Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone.If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." Romans 12:17-18

Whatever role or capacity we play, we are more than enough. If there is any deficiency, we can trust God will make up the difference.

"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

If you are a stepmom who...

...sees your stepkids every other weekend, you are enough.

...has full custody of your stepkids, you are enough.

...has been in your stepfamily one month, you are enough.

...has been in your stepfamily for 10 years, you are enough.

...only provides transportation for stepchildren, you are enough.

...sees your stepchildren once per year, you are enough.

...has grown stepchildren, you are enough.

...has a rocky relationship with your stepchildren, you are enough.

...is on the verge of a nervous breakdown, you are enough.

...tries to balance biochildren and stepchildren, you are enough.

...feel tired of the drama, you are enough.

If I can encourage you in anything, understand there is no "right" way to be a stepmom.Your role in your family, whatever that may be, is important. You can choose peace despite dysfunction. You are Enough.

You Don't Look Like You Have That Many Kids

When I tell people I have 7 children, I immediately get the response, "You don't look like you could have 7 children!!". I always find myself with the urge to explain. The conversation that follows divulges more information than I care to share in most cases. In a matter of a few sentences, a practical stranger knows my husband and I have both divorced, we are a blended family and that I am a stepmom.

I find humor in these interactions. I don't know if I should be flattered I don't look like I should have 7 children. What does that even mean? What is a mother of 7 children supposed to look like anyway? Biologically speaking, I could have birthed all 7 kids in the course of my life. Meaning, I am old enough and the age distribution of our kids would be feasibly possible had I had 7 kids myself. Am I supposed to have the dark circles under my eyes, the baby on the hip, frazzled hair and permanent frown? I know several moms with kids and they are beautiful, superheroes!

When someone finds out I am also a stepmother, the awe that permeated our conversations before transforms to pity. The conversation takes a more awkward turn. Not awkward for me because I have heard it a thousand times, but more awkward for my unsuspecting conversationalist. "Wow, how do you do it?", "Do they live with you?" or "They look like they could be yours." are the normal responses, followed by a quick exit.

Being a stepmom enlists us into this world of drama. Everyone knows it. Very few want to have anything to do with it. Other mothers may pity us from afar, but in conversations are reluctant to "open a can of worms".

I know I can do better about speaking more positively about life in general. The stepmom role consumes so much of our time and energy, especially in high conflict situations. The result is recurring conversations with our friends, family or random acquaintances about "what the bio mom is up to now", "we went to court again and..."or "you won't believe what she did". 

I'm learning, no one wants to hear that mess! Nothing personal. I even get tired of dealing with it, so why would anyone else volunteer to be "brought up to speed".

So, let's save our anxious conversations for support groups or conversations with our spouse...for everyone else, find something more positive to talk about. We are MORE than a stepmom. We should have a life that doesn't revolve around bio mom drama. We should find reasons to celebrate our life. If put on the spot, we should be able to rattle off a list of great things going on! If not, we need to find more of the good life...the God life!

I, in fact, enjoy not looking like I would have 7 kids. Next time anyone asks, I may just explain I had 4 of my kids and adopted the other 3 and bypass all the stepmom stigma and baby momma drama.

What's My Label?

  Maybe it's because I'm a woman. Maybe it's because I am a mother...or a stepmom...or a wife. Whatever the reason, I struggle frequently with who I am in the middle of it all. Sometimes I feel lost in a sea of labels and expectations. I'm tossed back and forth in the waves of life. I have to be a good at all my roles or I don't feel like I'm enough. Of course, "good" is relative and defined mostly by my own assumptions about what I should or shouldn't be. Sometimes I'm on top of the water, but mostly I feel like I'm sinking...not drowning, just barely treading water and growing weary.

    I do what any well-meaning woman would do when circumstances are overwhelming. I look for validation like it’s a life raft. I seek signs of appreciation, kindness or gestures from my husband or my kids. Clueless to the unrealistic expectation I've placed on them, I'm often left disappointed, emotional and irritable. Ugh!

    I've been reading a book titled "The Smart Stepfamily" by Ron Deal. In one of the chapters, he discusses the need for parents to first have an individual relationship with God. At first it seemed so cliché. Yeah, yeah...I've heard it all before. I pray. I pray a lot! As I read further, my heart stirred in a big way. The book encouraged the importance of knowing who we are in Christ.

    I know God helps my family and shows up often. We love and trust him. I have faith. He is the center of our family. But somehow, I've missed the mark. I have lost touch with God my Father, a father who loves me and validates me. He thinks I'm beautiful and valuable...I am enough.

    The reason I am feeling lost in the sea of labels and expectations is because I've lost sight of the One whose labels matter most. 

    I'm going to have a heart to heart with my Father. Here's what he has to say...

1.     God chose me and I am special. (John 15:16, Eph 1:3-8, 1 Peter 2:9)

2.     I am God’s masterpiece. (Eph 2:10)

3.     I can do anything, I am a conquerer. (Phil 4:13, Rom 8:37)

4.     I am loved. (Rom 1:7, 8:35-39, 1 Peter 1:5, 1 John 3:1, John 3:16)

5.     I am treasured and valued. (Proverbs 3:15)

6.     I am not alone. (Hebrews 13:5)

When a Change in Focus Feels Like Abandonment

   It's a new year, obviously, and a time my husband and I take inventory...on our marriage, or family goals and our financial goals. It is no secret we have been involved in a long custody dispute with my husband's ex-wife. After 3 years in the family court system, and our oldest turning 16 this year, we are left evaluating everything concerning the legal situation we are in.

   There has been no question we are right in our reasons for this journey and we have done everything we were supposed to. We've jumped through every hoop and shelled out thousands of dollars to attorneys, courts, counselors and parenting coordinators all in an effort to "fix" the issues with joint custody that are negatively impacting the kids. Regardless of all the evidence we've collected and documented, all the harm that is done, one thing is consistent...the legal system just isn't readily supportive of less obvious cases of family issues. The offending parent is rarely held accountable. What are we to do?

   The last 3 years have not brought anything to our blended family of value other than "documentation" of the abuses of one parent against the other. But that and a a dollar will buy you coffee...maybe.

   So, back to the new year. This situation is a big source of stress and under our yearly evaluation we discuss, "Is it worth it to continue?". Making a list of all the pros and cons of continuing this court battle leaves us with a blaring answer, "Stop". Sounds simple. Seems like the right thing. If there is no value and the children will be grown in a few years, why not spend what time we have left with them as children, the best we can. We could use our financial resources to make memories for them that are positive, not memories of a pissed-off bio mom and a stressed out dad.

    But like any investment of time, emotional and financial resources, we want to see a return. We hold on to the notion of "The good always win", "Right comes out on top", "Can we afford the emotional consequences of the kids staying in the situation", "Can we put up with continued unmonitored attacks against our family when the court isn't mediating". Stopping the whole process at this point feels like we are abandoning the kids and what we know is right for them. How can we stop? Is fighting for what is right actually worse than simply trying to minimize the frustration a different way? Regardless of how many Pros there are to stopping the court process, the feeling of abandonment is overwhelming.

   We often feel like a hopeless gambler, hoping the next bet is "the big payoff". The next court date will yield results. Someone will finally hold the offending party accountable. Justice will be served. After each year, we feel more and more foolish for believing in a system to set things right. Are we addicted to the process like a gambler, being ruled by feelings instead of logic?

   As we step into this evaluation stage of this court situation, we are changing. Our focus is changing. Our hearts are changing. Even at this point we are not completely clear on our next steps, but we know a few things to be true:

1. God is in control.
"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

2. Our hope will no longer be in the system to set things right. God will work all things out for good.
"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

3. God restores. It may not be the ways we would think, but it will be better.
"And the Lord restored the fortunes of Job, when he had prayed for his friends. And the Lord gave Job twice as much as he had before." Job 42:10

4. Our battle isn't with the Ex, it's against the spiritual attacks against our family.
"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places." Ephesians 6:12

5. We have already OVERCOME through Christ...regardless of what we see or feel.
"For everyone who has been born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world - our faith." 1 John 5:4