The "Not Fair" Trap

People, in general, have a tendency to expect things to be “fair”. We learn early on that fair = right, unfair = wrong. I wish things were so simple. Fairness is extremely subjective, what seems fair to one person may seem unfair to another.

“She was invited for a play date and I wasn't!”

“He got a bigger piece than I did!”

“You bought her new shoes and not me!”

In a normal parenting environment, this is extremely frustrating. In a blended family, it is enough to start World War III! When the kids are at the other parent’s home, they expect life to stand still at our home. No one should do anything or receive anything that may be considered “fun”, “exciting” or simply different from normal routine.

Here’s our scenario:

• We have 3 kids full time
• We have 1 kid half time
• We are supposed to get the other 3 a little less than half time but often don’t get the minimum visitation.

The kids that are home full time get to go to the family parties (birthdays, anniversaries), church events or shopping outings that happen to fall during time we don’t have the others. They also “need” more things at our home like clothes, shoes, supplies, etc. They also experience more down time when there isn't anything planned like soccer games.

Regardless of the living arrangements or circumstances, when everyone is home, it is like each kid takes a personal inventory of what the others got while they were gone. They get disappointed of the perceived “extra” stuff the others got to do when they weren't home. We then hear:

“You spend more time with them than me.”

“We don’t go there when I’m over there.”

“I don’t get extra clothes.”

“They get to do xyz and I don’t.”

“It’s not fair”

We fell into the “It’s not fair” trap and tried putting life on hold and not accepting activities that might make the other kids feel bad. What we find is that they were doing fun and exciting stuff at the other parent’s house while we were expected to wait for them. We quickly learned that “fair” and “unfair” rarely applies to blended family parenting.

We now say, “It’s not fair. It’s not unfair. It’s just different.”

We should always encourage the kids to take “fair” and “unfair” out of their vocabulary in this situation. If you let a child think these situations are “unfair”, they feel they were “wronged”. They begin to focus on the other siblings and what they “get” and it becomes a crusade to make things equal, fair and just. You find yourself defending why you bought the child new shoes because they grew out of their old ones or why you allowed one to go to a birthday party they were invited to. 

No one was wronged. It is not unfair. In reality; it is just a different situation.

It doesn't help we have ex-spouses encouraging the fair/unfair mentality by saying, “They always do things with the other kids and not you.” Or if one child gets a gift from a birthday party, the other parent goes out and buys the child who didn't get something to make it “fair”.

Regardless of the other parents’ style of dealing with this situation, our message stays clear.

 “If you want to be treated as an individual, you will not always receive what someone else gets and they won’t always receive what you get. If you want to be treated the same, we can punish you when they get in trouble, buy everyone the exact same clothes and shoes, put everyone to bed at the same time, not allow you to go to parties unless everyone is invited because it wouldn't be ‘fair’ based on your definition. You can’t pick and choose what is ‘fair’ when you want to benefit something, sometimes things are just different.”

Step-mom Problems (funny)

There is not a lot of humor about being in a blended family. I tried to locate some funny sayings using a web search tool but found very little. This did not surprise me as a sense of humor was likely forfeited somewhere in the divorce decree. Along the way, between court dates and poor communication, we forget to laugh….at ourselves or at the situation.

I have made a frail attempt to come up with my own funny sayings about being a step-mom, you will see below. At least I made myself chuckle and hope it will do the same for you.

Enjoy!

Courts and Custody - Advocates or Enablers?

I’m going to go out on a limb here by saying MOST blended families find themselves in court navigating custody proceedings with their exes.

(I’m trying to steer clear of the phrase “Custody Battle” because anytime we “Battle” with the other parent, the kids will lose.)

We often go into the court process hopeful. If you have never had dealings with court systems before, you see the court through rose-colored glasses. You anticipate they will set things right, each party will be held accountable for their behaviors and you will FINALLY get some resolve.

Unfortunately, many of us find ourselves in long, drawn out proceedings lasting for several years. Behaviors that are forbidden by court orders go unpunished and accountability for either parent is almost non-existent. The best interest of the kids is often overlooked or “passed” for another court date. Resolution becomes a seemingly distant and unattainable goal. If there was ever tension between you and your ex before, this long and drawn out process magnifies it, causing more problems than what had existed before.

Often, we feel we are the only ones with urgency and our hearts break as we see the impacts on our kids of living in this situation, like a dark cloud over the family. Judges, attorneys and other court appointed participants downplay any importance in the case and remind us that since there is no drug abuse, physical abuse or kidnapping it is not as deserving of their time and attention. In reality, a lot of abuse comes in more subtle ways through manipulation, fear and anger. Courts become enablers allowing knowingly harmful behaviors to continue for long periods, with no accountability. Ultimately, the court’s authority becomes powerless as one party or the other uses the system to their advantage under the watchful eye of the court system that allows it.

So now that I painted this dark and gloomy picture of one of the most stressful and frustrating situations of being in a blended family, I want to insert a bright ray of light.

God sees the situation. God will make things right.

God has authority. God can restore.

In Romans 8:28, we are encouraged that God will make things right. He can take a man made mess and turn it into something good.

“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them.” Romans 8:28

So for this season, we can re-focus our attention to God

and away from the court system.

Courts will not solve the problem. Courts are not the best advocates for our kids and our families. Courts will disappoint.

God will solve the custody problems. God is the best advocate

for our kids and our families. God will never fail.

The "F" Word - Forgiveness!

In many blended families, custody battles and unresolved hurts lead to bitterness and unforgiveness of your ex spouse, a step-parent or others you felt wronged you and your children. Sometimes, the legal system and society reinforce the notion you were wronged and we use it as justification to remain offended.

Unfortunately, we all know unforgiveness hurts us more than the person we harbor bitterness against. Have you heard that bitterness/unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. It’s true.

The true consequence of unforgiveness is the stolen joy and peace from our own life. The longer we hold on to the offense, the more we torture our family and ourselves.

We are facing a crossroad in our situation. We are fed up with our peace and joy being affected by the ex or the ex’s new partner. An attack from the ex over something small can ruin our joy for days. Our peace dissipates as we ponder what actions need to be taken as well as rehashing past situations where the ex was “in the wrong”.

I’m learning that I don’t need to forgive the other person because they deserve it, but because I deserve it…the peace and joy of not holing on to those offenses. God forgives me when I don’t deserve it and I know I blow it and need that mercy.

It’s easier said than done! Believe me, I think I have tried to forgive a hundred times last month. With ongoing attack, the offense comes back and I find myself knee deep in bitterness once again.

So, I am drawing a line in the sand. I want peace. I want joy. Not sometimes, but always.

Here is what I am doing to help combat the bitterness that keeps knocking on the door of my heart.

1. I choose forgiveness, deserved or not.
2. Remember the offender is just as much a creation of God as I am, my bitterness towards them is bitterness towards God.
3. When an attack comes, give it to God…right away. Not after I have stewed over it a few days.
4. Re-Focus my energy on loving my family. When energy is limited, they are worth more of it than my troubles.
5. Guard my heart, stay in God’s Word.
6. Pray a lot!!!

And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.” Mark 11:25

May the Lord judge between me and you, may the Lord avenge me against you, but my hand shall not be against you. As the proverb of the ancients says, ‘Out of the wicked comes wickedness.’ But my hand shall not be against you. 1 Samuel 24:12-13

To speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people. Titus 3:2

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:32

For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. Matthew 6:14-15