Welcome, Baby Sister!

    The term, "Yours, Mine and Ours" has taken on a new meaning for our family. My husband has three beautiful teenage girls, I have a wonderful preteen son and two elementary aged ladies. Four and a half months ago, we welcomed OUR daughter to the family. There is a seven year gap between Baby Sister and the youngest of the other kids.

   Besides feeling like we are starting over as parents, we are learning the baby has had much more of an impact on our family than we had initially realized. We had many hesitations when deciding whether or not to expand our already large family. Could we afford it, can we give a new addition a good life, is there enough time to spread around, are we too old....?? The list went on.

   Despite our hesitations, we decided to have a baby. She has been a complete joy. She has such a calm personality and is mostly a happy baby (other than when she's hungry or tired).

  The biggest impact has been on the other kids. They have a common bond, something they all share. Their relationship with their sister is a shared experience and has brought them closer as a family.

   We will be learning as we all grow into our new family dynamic. I am eagerly anticipating the opportunities ahead...each situation a chance to learn and grow into a better person.

"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."  Philippians 4:13

Dear Bio Mom, From the Stepmom

Dear Mother of my Stepchildren,

   I know you did not choose me and the situation was not your dream outcome when you married my husband years ago. Because I am a mother who also has to accept this new reality with my children’s stepmother, I can relate to you frustration. I also wonder if another person can love and care for my children the way I deem appropriate. I get insecure when my children relate to their stepmother in ways that seem to detract my role as a mother. As a mother and a stepmother, there are several things I would love for you to understand, from a stepmother’s point of view.

I know I am not your children’s biological mother. I do not exert the primary mother role and would never expect to take precedence over you in their lives. I also do not demean you or make your children feel you are anything less.

I love your children. You have great kids and I enjoy having a part in their lives. Just as your family friend or relative does, I believe it is appropriate to be able to show affection, have meaningful conversations, and go on outings. These are pathways to healthy relationships.

I manage my household. This does include caring for your children while they are at my home. It is not realistic for me not to cook for them, buy personal items, take them to their activities or other things.

I encourage responsibility and discipline where necessary. I stand behind their father in implementing chores to clean up their messes, apologize when they wrong each other, and hold them accountable when they are disrespectful. Their father doles out discipline, but I have to stand behind it. We don’t undermine the rules at your home and hope for the same consideration from you.

Conflict impacts my entire home. When you fight with my husband and include the kids in your disagreement, this carries over to our household. The attitudes, moods, and tension between the kids and their father affect everything. The tension carries over into activities, interactions with other family members and makes the time spent less enjoyable for everyone. This robs everyone of the opportunity to make enjoyable memories and build healthy relationships with people other than your ex-spouse…stepsiblings, grandparents, and friends.

My example can impact the children’s future. Everything we do impacts the children in a positive or negative way. We should always be seeking to guard the children and make them the priority, minimizing the stress of the situation. If we cannot be cordial and come to compromise for their sake, they will suffer. We should not be the cause of their future relationship struggles because we were poor examples.

I am not perfect. I will mess up. Being a stepmom is hard. I know I am held to different standards than you would hold for yourself. I know I will fail to live up to expectations that are there. Please know that I never intentionally do anything to stir you to anger or to impact the kids in a negative way.

  

I pray for you and your children. I pray daily for your children, for you, and for the situation. I pray God shows me how to be the best stepmom I can be, make the best decisions I can and be the best support I can. I pray the children are protected from negative circumstances. I pray for you, honestly and sincerely.

With all respect,

The Stepmom

Things I never Thought I'd Say

My husband says my blog should have more light-hearted topics…and I admit, he is right  (but don’t tell him of it might go to his head). In a big blended family, it never hurts to have a little humor…

I was thinking about something today, fully entertaining the idea, when I thought to myself (with a laugh) “I never thought, in a million years, I’d say that!”

So, I have compiled a list of things I never thought I’d say…

1. “We need a 12 passenger van as a family vehicle…let’s look into working it into our budget.”
2. “That family pack of ground meat is not enough for dinner…I think I’ll get 2.”
3. “Let’s get bunk beds for every room…I wonder how much the sturdy, army style beds are?”
4. “The biggest crockpot only cooks 7 quarts?!?! I think I’ll need 2.”
5. “Our grocery budget is quickly approaching the amount needed for a house payment.”
6. “I can only take 4 kids with me to the store, the others will need to stay home this time.”
7. “I hate filling out forms with ‘List all Children in the Home’ because there is never enough space.”
8. “No, my biological children are not adopted.”
9. “We would like to RSVP 9 people for our immediate family.”
10. “That jumbo pack of double roll toilet paper should last a week. I might need 2”

If you’re in a situation like mine, WHAT ARE SOME THINGS YOU COULD ADD TO THIS LIST?

"I'm Bored" Came to Visit for the Summer

School is out. Summer is here. Kids and teachers all over the country are enjoying a nice, relaxing break from the routine of schoolwork, schedules and grades…

…And then reality sets in on Day 2.

Kids have an expectation of an amazing summer filled with swimming, hanging out with friends, family vacations, and day trips to theme parks. When they find themselves submersed in a situation where they are tasked with entertaining themselves in between these fun summer activities, parents quickly hear the words “I’m Bored”…

We often expect our kids to find something to keep themselves occupied while we are still at work or still managing the household. We hope our kids understand what is on and off limits, but that isn’t always the case.

Our 11 year old decided to make homemade orange juice out of a 5-pound bag of oranges!

Our 7 year old decided to make a whole restaurant, food and utensils, out of paper. Although it kept her busy for many hours, resulted in a big mess of paper clippings we were cleaning up for months!

A few of the girls decided to paint their nails, and the table, and the floors!

Okay, so what is a parent to do? We cannot always schedule every minute of our kids’ day with activities. Isn’t that the point of summer…taking a break from schedules?!?! We cannot afford to have regular BIG activities like vacations away from home, theme parks, etc. We also cannot go another 2 months hearing, “I’m Bored” over and over.

Shhh….Secretly, I begin to resent that they can even utter those words since I haven’t been able to say it since I was their age. I’d give anything to be “Bored” for a summer!!

Kids will be kids but maybe there are a few things that will help minimize our unwanted summer visitor of “I’m Bored”.

Summer Camps – That’s right, ship the kids off for a week to get a break from their summer vacation! There are also day camps, sports camps, activities at the library, etc. Our town has a “Kid’s Directory” that lists activities for each month at various places.

To Do List – Ask the kids to make a list of things they would like to do or accomplish during the summer and see where you can accommodate. This was my husband’s idea and the older kids liked being able to give input.

Supervised Time for Messy Activities – Set aside time in advance where kids can have a messy activity, and let the kids know when that time will be. This will help thwart the daily questions like, “Can I paint? Can I bake? Can I make glitter crafts?”

Activities Allowed without Permission – Let the kids know which activities they are allowed to do without permission. For example: drawing, movie, reading books, playing outside (daytime), etc.

Visit Grandparents – Allow the kids to spend a few days with family members like grandparents or aunts and uncles. This helps build those special bonds they will treasure throughout their lives.

Learn Something New – Take time to help the kids find something new to learn. We are trying gardening. Encourage them to read up on it and spend time working on it. Give them something they can be responsible for.

Take a Walk – I feel this is the most undervalued activity any family could do together. You can take a nature walk together and give the kids a checklist of nature things to find. Walk at a river or lake, at a local track, around the neighborhood or to the store. You get exercise, bonding time and a bigger sense of the world.

There are so many more activities that could be added to this list. You are only limited by your imagination. If you are lacking in imagination (and energy), look online for some great ideas or subscribe to a family magazine (I like Disney’s Family Fun magazine).

If all else fails, threaten your kids that if “I’m Bored” is uttered in your presence, it will earn them a physical labor type chore assignment. In the wise words of my own mother “If you can’t find something to do; I’ll find something for you.”

My Very Own Soap Opera

Did I mention being in a blended family is a lot like being in a thick plot of a TV soap opera??

In blended families, the cocktail is right for all things drama; anger, insecurity, resentment, fear, bitterness, jealousy and manipulation. There are exes, baby mamas, opinions, court battles, he said-she said and attitudes…the list goes on….and on…and on….

Drama comes with the territory here and you are either one side of the drama fence or the other…the participant or the self-controlled.

We all get caught up in the drama from time to time and let our emotions get the best of us. As good as it may feel at the moment, no good comes out of it…. there are always consequences.

The bible says:

If you are wise and understand God's ways, prove it by living an honorable life, doing good works with the humility that comes from wisdom. 

But if you are bitterly jealous and there is selfish ambition in your heart, don't cover up the truth with boasting and lying. 

For jealousy and selfishness are not God's kind of wisdom. Such things are earthly, unspiritual, and demonic. 

For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind. 

But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere. 

And those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of righteousness.

James3:13-18

Our consequence of participating in drama is “disorder and evil of every kind”. What’s worse, it usually is not the two participants who are the most impacted in a blended family situation…the children are. The kids, whether you think so or not, are ALWAYS caught in the crossfire!!

When we participate in drama, we are inflicting disorder and evil things on our children…OUCH!!!

So…in the heat of the moment, when the opportunity arises for you to respond to an attack, when you are wronged, when the drama comes to your door…BE THE PEACEMAKER!

If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Romans 12:18

I can speak for my situation and to live “peaceably” is hard. I get offended, angry, and insecure at times. I have to invite God into the process DAILY. His mercy is new every morning and I know I am better now than yesterday. By God’s grace, I can overcome adversity.

I pray for strength and wisdom. I ask for love to rule my heart with kindness, gentleness, patience and self-control. I pray for my adversaries; for their peace, wisdom and protection. I pray daily for my children; for God to guard their hearts and shield them from the attacks of the enemy. I pray for solid family foundations for my home and the homes of the ex-spouses. I pray for PEACE to rule my heart, my family and my household.