Oceans

   Nothing can describe blended family life more than the ocean. In all it's majesty and power, there is nothing about the ocean that is constant. Researchers devote their lives trying to figure out the ocean's depths, the life undiscovered there and the reasons why it behaves the way it does. Each answer we find leads us to more unanswered questions. The ocean cannot be completely known, a mystery that is both mesmerizing and frightening at the same time.

   Blended family life often feels more like the storm brewing over troubled waters, a lurking danger. We feel helplessly attacked, sometimes by the ex or other outside influences and even more frequently, by our own unmet expectations and insecurities. Most days are somewhere between a gentle rain and a hurricane...the storms of life.

   Like the ocean, we are resilient. Even after the fiercest storm that threatens to tear us apart, we will still have moments of sunshine, peace and calm. We can close our eyes and breathe in all the good and perfectly imperfect blessings in our lives. We know, that even in the gentle, rolling waves; we are forever changed by the tide.

   Every wave molds us into something new...different but still spectacular. If you find yourself in a barrage of endless crashing waves, hold tight. You do not have to be capsized by the waves of blended family life, but be called above them by a God who loves you and wants good things for you and your family.

The Blame Game: It's Not My Fault

Something has really been bugging me. Not just in my own situation, but in many of the posts I read on the support pages in Facebook. It is always someone else's fault!

Taking responsibility for our actions and accepting their consequence is a true mark of maturity. We would hope and expect most adults to nurture this skills in life.

Unfortunately, in blended families, maturity is the exception and not the rule.

All blended families get caught up in "The Blame Game". We feel better about ourselves when it is someone else's fault. The sad reality is that we all fall into the trap at some point...the never-ending trap of showcasing someone else's faults while defending our own. And if we have any faults, it is only because the other person somehow put them there. We fool ourselves into thinking there is only one crazy participant and the other one is completely rational.

We're pretty sure who the crazy one is.

Maybe the crazy ones are all the people who participate in this blame game. We take turns blaming our exes and stepparents in a back and forth point match. Each person, always trying to get an upper hand. "Winning" is always temporary and the game just doesn't end. It reminds me of the old card game we played as kids called "War". Just when you think you won all the cards,
the opponent always ended up stealing an Ace during the flop. The game would sometimes last so long you'd get tired before anyone "won". Or like Monopoly. You have hotels built on all your properties. Your opponent is hanging on  with a few dollars. Then it happens. You land on Park Place, owned by the opponent, which is the only property he equipped with a hotel. They take back most of your money. Like the card game, Monopoly can go on for hours. Many times we lose interest before a winner is declared.

It's your fault I can't work and support my kids. 1 Point.
It's your fault our kids have emotional problems. 1 Point.
If you would step up and be a better mom, we wouldn't be having this issue. 1 Point.
Maybe your child would like you more if you weren't so controlling. 1 Point.
It's your fault my child doesn't want to see me. 1 Point.
My current marriage is struggling because of you. 1 Point.
I'd communicate more if you weren't so hateful. 1 Point.
I can't keep a job because of you. 1 Point.
I can't be involved in my kids' lives because of you. 1 Point.
You're putting so much stress on me, my health is getting worse. 1 Point.
You never cared about the kids, that's why they don't want you around. 1 Point.
I can't have a life anymore because of you. 1 Point.

At some point, a tie is better than winning. At some point, taking care of ourselves and stepping away from the game is necessary. At some point, we should get over ourselves.

There is never any good that comes out of blaming others, especially our exes. Blame is the fuel to the fire in the dysfunctional relationship with our child's other family. Children are always caught in the cross fires. The thing about games, it always takes TWO to play.

How do I not respond when the other parent is using something I am so passionate about (my kids) to attack me? Only respond if it is your children who are being attacked. An attack against you can only hurt your pride. Responding to defend your pride is a slippery slope. Pride will blind you to the damage you cause your children while playing the game. Responding to defend your pride will only result in more attacks.

Is defending your pride more important than protecting your kids from the game? Does attacking your ex for their shortcomings more important than using the same energy to build up your kids? Is playing the game more important than stopping the anger and frustration invading your heart and home?

Respond only when it is FOR the kids, not about the kids.
Respond only to state facts about the present. Past events are irrelevant.
Respond only when calm. If you're angry, keep your mouth shut.
Respond only to communicate logistics, not to showcase the other parent's shortcomings. Check your motive.
It's okay to NOT respond!

Let's encourage each other to bring MATURITY back into blended families. Let's protect our homes from the damage caused by the blame game. Let's step up to be better parents, looking for ways to spend our energy building our families.

"For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?" Matthew 7:2-3

Think Twice Before Interfering with Your Child's Relationship with their Other Parent

Children thrive on relationships. Their ability to see a person's best qualities and be almost blind to their faults is something truly special. This openness in relationship allows children to experience the fullness of what people have to offer, without fear. The world is good. Somewhere along the way, we learn people are flawed and the world doesn't always do what's right. 

Parents in custody disputes are often very knowledgeable about the other parent's flaws. In many cases, each flaw is exaggerated and used against the other parent. Protecting a child from another parent's flaws becomes a need, much like breathing. 

In the name of "protection", parents act as self-appointed judge and jury. They interfere in all aspects of the other, imperfect parent's ability to build a relationship with their child...judging every action and handing out punishments for any perceived offense. Sometimes the interference is unintentional, but in most cases it's intentionally manipulative. These parents seek to "win" their child or "justify" themselves at the expense of the other, lifting themselves higher. Children are  exposed to negative talk about the other parent,  told about adult disagreements/situations, discouraged/not allowed to visit, have monitored communication or schooled on reasons the other parent is not a good person.

You may say I don't understand. Your situation is different. The other parent hurts your child's feelings. They don't know how to be a good parent. The child doesn't like going to the other parent's house. You need to understand a few things. 

1) At some point, you have (or will) hurt your child's feelings. It happens in every parent-child relationship. It doesn't deserve your removal from the child any more than the other parent. 

2) Being a parent doesn't come with a manual and you will make mistakes. We all miss the mark. There is no such thing as a perfect parent. Again, if you mess up you don't deserve to lose access to your child so why would you crucify the other parent for their mistakes?

3)  Children's emotions are fragile and changing, and shouldn't drive major life decisions. Your child may not like their teacher at school but it doesn't mean you stop sending them. The benefits of an education are more important than their temporary discomfort.  Likewise, the benefit of the relationship with both parents is more important than their temporary discomfort. When the pendulum swings and it's your home they don't like (it will happen), you don't deserve to lose access to your child.

If you ever discuss the other parent in a negative way or otherwise interfere with the child's relationship with the other parent...STOP! You may be right in everything you say, but is YOUR need to be right more important to you than your CHILD'S future?

When you interfere,  you are acting as if your short term victory is more important than your child's long term defeat!

DEFEAT? Absolutely. Your child loses...EVERY time. Let's pretend for a moment there are not mountains of studies of the negative effects on children who were estranged from one of their parents. Poor coping, depression,  relationship issues in adulthood,  low self-esteem, at risk behavior like sex and drug use, teen pregnancy, suicide...do I have your attention yet? There's more.

In addition to increasing your child's risk for things mentioned above, there is MORE damage you do when interfering in your child's relationship with the other parent. Including:

1. You steal their innocence. 

You rob them of experiencing the good in people. Their love is restrained and guarded when it should be open and free. It is not your job to expose the other parent's flaws to your child. The other parent may truly be a liar, have poor parenting skills, be a deadbeat or whatever else. If these are true character flaws, your child will learn them on their own...without your help. Encourage them to love others, especially a parent, despite their flaws. After all, you want them to love you with the same consideration. 

2. You shatter their support system. 

Despite how you feel about the other parent, they bring more than their flaws to the table. They themselves are support for the child, and so are other family members and friends. You don't just remove one person from the child's life, you remove everyone. The weaker the child's overall support systems, the higher risk for long term struggle. These connections are important in teaching the child things you. They also offer love and support. When these people are gone, such as a death in the family, the child will never be able to get that relationship back. You forever robbed them of the good things these people had to offer.

3. You steal their membership.

Birthdays, holidays,  anniversaries, family reunions, vacations, grandparent visits, play dates with cousins...all these events are either tainted or not accessible to the child. They feel they no longer belong, they're not important...it's tragic to take this away to prove you're right.

4. You steal special moments...their childhood. 

You may feel every moment at the other parent's home is torture on your child...and you'd be wrong. You only get a small glimpse of your child's life at the other home. If you are pumping your child for all the negative events and information at the other house, that's all you get. Kids will tell you what they think you want to hear. If you make a big deal about every perceived mistreatment and downplay or disregard the good things...the child will stop telling you the good. They get more affectionate responses when you go into protective mode. 

Every home, including yours, has good and bad moments for your child. In the good moments, memories are being made. Family boards games, playing with siblings, overnight visits with grandparents,  making cookies, learning knock knock jokes...memories. Interfering with the other parent's access blocks these opportunities.

My Challenge to You:

• Learn to separate your own selfish motives (or fears) from the needs of your children. Children NEED to be loved and accepted by both parents and the support systems they bring with them.
• Set aside the unrealistic expectations of the other parent to be always perfect. Show grace and be supportive because someday, you may need grace and support in return.
• Actively encourage your children to love and participate with the other parent despite your own, and sometimes the child's, short term discomfort.
• Allow your child to develop a relationship with the other parent on their own, without interference. Their relationship may be rocky, but it will be theirs.

Disclaimer: This information is not intended to apply to true abusive situations. There are true cases of abuse and this blog, in no way, minimizes the suffering in those situations. There is a big difference in having flaws and being abusive. However, any attempt to distort a loving parent's flaw into false allegations of abuse, maliciously limiting access to a child, is unethical. These parents should lose custody because they have become the abuser.

To Stepmothers: Whatever Your Role, It Is Enough

Having a biological child does not come with an instruction manual of the "right" way to raise a baby, neither does being a stepmother come with one. It is so easy to be hard on ourselves, much like a new mother would be. Unfortunately, biological mothers are given much more mercy than a stepmother. Stepmothers are often under an intense microscope, being accused of wrongdoing, being stalked or harassed in the name of "family". Although there are some stepmom-biomom relationships that are in a good place, most are not.  

If you're like me, you've probably thought one of the following:

I don't do all the things other stepmoms do for their stepchildren, I must be doing something wrong?

How can I be positive when someone relentlessly points out my flaws?

I am really, really trying but I can't seem to do anything right.

Everything I say and do gets misinterpreted.

With all of the uncertainty in stepfamily life, our security is often shaken. As stepmoms, we take a hit to our self-esteem regularly but it doesn't mean we have to be a victim of our circumstances. We don't need to be validated by others. We are heroes whether others see it that way or not. No matter what anyone says, being a stepmom is important. As long as we are fostering healthy relationships and not igniting the drama, you can be secure in your place.

"Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone.If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." Romans 12:17-18

Whatever role or capacity we play, we are more than enough. If there is any deficiency, we can trust God will make up the difference.

"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

If you are a stepmom who...

...sees your stepkids every other weekend, you are enough.

...has full custody of your stepkids, you are enough.

...has been in your stepfamily one month, you are enough.

...has been in your stepfamily for 10 years, you are enough.

...only provides transportation for stepchildren, you are enough.

...sees your stepchildren once per year, you are enough.

...has grown stepchildren, you are enough.

...has a rocky relationship with your stepchildren, you are enough.

...is on the verge of a nervous breakdown, you are enough.

...tries to balance biochildren and stepchildren, you are enough.

...feel tired of the drama, you are enough.

If I can encourage you in anything, understand there is no "right" way to be a stepmom.Your role in your family, whatever that may be, is important. You can choose peace despite dysfunction. You are Enough.

You Don't Look Like You Have That Many Kids

When I tell people I have 7 children, I immediately get the response, "You don't look like you could have 7 children!!". I always find myself with the urge to explain. The conversation that follows divulges more information than I care to share in most cases. In a matter of a few sentences, a practical stranger knows my husband and I have both divorced, we are a blended family and that I am a stepmom.

I find humor in these interactions. I don't know if I should be flattered I don't look like I should have 7 children. What does that even mean? What is a mother of 7 children supposed to look like anyway? Biologically speaking, I could have birthed all 7 kids in the course of my life. Meaning, I am old enough and the age distribution of our kids would be feasibly possible had I had 7 kids myself. Am I supposed to have the dark circles under my eyes, the baby on the hip, frazzled hair and permanent frown? I know several moms with kids and they are beautiful, superheroes!

When someone finds out I am also a stepmother, the awe that permeated our conversations before transforms to pity. The conversation takes a more awkward turn. Not awkward for me because I have heard it a thousand times, but more awkward for my unsuspecting conversationalist. "Wow, how do you do it?", "Do they live with you?" or "They look like they could be yours." are the normal responses, followed by a quick exit.

Being a stepmom enlists us into this world of drama. Everyone knows it. Very few want to have anything to do with it. Other mothers may pity us from afar, but in conversations are reluctant to "open a can of worms".

I know I can do better about speaking more positively about life in general. The stepmom role consumes so much of our time and energy, especially in high conflict situations. The result is recurring conversations with our friends, family or random acquaintances about "what the bio mom is up to now", "we went to court again and..."or "you won't believe what she did". 

I'm learning, no one wants to hear that mess! Nothing personal. I even get tired of dealing with it, so why would anyone else volunteer to be "brought up to speed".

So, let's save our anxious conversations for support groups or conversations with our spouse...for everyone else, find something more positive to talk about. We are MORE than a stepmom. We should have a life that doesn't revolve around bio mom drama. We should find reasons to celebrate our life. If put on the spot, we should be able to rattle off a list of great things going on! If not, we need to find more of the good life...the God life!

I, in fact, enjoy not looking like I would have 7 kids. Next time anyone asks, I may just explain I had 4 of my kids and adopted the other 3 and bypass all the stepmom stigma and baby momma drama.

What's My Label?

  Maybe it's because I'm a woman. Maybe it's because I am a mother...or a stepmom...or a wife. Whatever the reason, I struggle frequently with who I am in the middle of it all. Sometimes I feel lost in a sea of labels and expectations. I'm tossed back and forth in the waves of life. I have to be a good at all my roles or I don't feel like I'm enough. Of course, "good" is relative and defined mostly by my own assumptions about what I should or shouldn't be. Sometimes I'm on top of the water, but mostly I feel like I'm sinking...not drowning, just barely treading water and growing weary.

    I do what any well-meaning woman would do when circumstances are overwhelming. I look for validation like it’s a life raft. I seek signs of appreciation, kindness or gestures from my husband or my kids. Clueless to the unrealistic expectation I've placed on them, I'm often left disappointed, emotional and irritable. Ugh!

    I've been reading a book titled "The Smart Stepfamily" by Ron Deal. In one of the chapters, he discusses the need for parents to first have an individual relationship with God. At first it seemed so cliché. Yeah, yeah...I've heard it all before. I pray. I pray a lot! As I read further, my heart stirred in a big way. The book encouraged the importance of knowing who we are in Christ.

    I know God helps my family and shows up often. We love and trust him. I have faith. He is the center of our family. But somehow, I've missed the mark. I have lost touch with God my Father, a father who loves me and validates me. He thinks I'm beautiful and valuable...I am enough.

    The reason I am feeling lost in the sea of labels and expectations is because I've lost sight of the One whose labels matter most. 

    I'm going to have a heart to heart with my Father. Here's what he has to say...

1.     God chose me and I am special. (John 15:16, Eph 1:3-8, 1 Peter 2:9)

2.     I am God’s masterpiece. (Eph 2:10)

3.     I can do anything, I am a conquerer. (Phil 4:13, Rom 8:37)

4.     I am loved. (Rom 1:7, 8:35-39, 1 Peter 1:5, 1 John 3:1, John 3:16)

5.     I am treasured and valued. (Proverbs 3:15)

6.     I am not alone. (Hebrews 13:5)

When a Change in Focus Feels Like Abandonment

   It's a new year, obviously, and a time my husband and I take inventory...on our marriage, or family goals and our financial goals. It is no secret we have been involved in a long custody dispute with my husband's ex-wife. After 3 years in the family court system, and our oldest turning 16 this year, we are left evaluating everything concerning the legal situation we are in.

   There has been no question we are right in our reasons for this journey and we have done everything we were supposed to. We've jumped through every hoop and shelled out thousands of dollars to attorneys, courts, counselors and parenting coordinators all in an effort to "fix" the issues with joint custody that are negatively impacting the kids. Regardless of all the evidence we've collected and documented, all the harm that is done, one thing is consistent...the legal system just isn't readily supportive of less obvious cases of family issues. The offending parent is rarely held accountable. What are we to do?

   The last 3 years have not brought anything to our blended family of value other than "documentation" of the abuses of one parent against the other. But that and a a dollar will buy you coffee...maybe.

   So, back to the new year. This situation is a big source of stress and under our yearly evaluation we discuss, "Is it worth it to continue?". Making a list of all the pros and cons of continuing this court battle leaves us with a blaring answer, "Stop". Sounds simple. Seems like the right thing. If there is no value and the children will be grown in a few years, why not spend what time we have left with them as children, the best we can. We could use our financial resources to make memories for them that are positive, not memories of a pissed-off bio mom and a stressed out dad.

    But like any investment of time, emotional and financial resources, we want to see a return. We hold on to the notion of "The good always win", "Right comes out on top", "Can we afford the emotional consequences of the kids staying in the situation", "Can we put up with continued unmonitored attacks against our family when the court isn't mediating". Stopping the whole process at this point feels like we are abandoning the kids and what we know is right for them. How can we stop? Is fighting for what is right actually worse than simply trying to minimize the frustration a different way? Regardless of how many Pros there are to stopping the court process, the feeling of abandonment is overwhelming.

   We often feel like a hopeless gambler, hoping the next bet is "the big payoff". The next court date will yield results. Someone will finally hold the offending party accountable. Justice will be served. After each year, we feel more and more foolish for believing in a system to set things right. Are we addicted to the process like a gambler, being ruled by feelings instead of logic?

   As we step into this evaluation stage of this court situation, we are changing. Our focus is changing. Our hearts are changing. Even at this point we are not completely clear on our next steps, but we know a few things to be true:

1. God is in control.
"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

2. Our hope will no longer be in the system to set things right. God will work all things out for good.
"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

3. God restores. It may not be the ways we would think, but it will be better.
"And the Lord restored the fortunes of Job, when he had prayed for his friends. And the Lord gave Job twice as much as he had before." Job 42:10

4. Our battle isn't with the Ex, it's against the spiritual attacks against our family.
"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places." Ephesians 6:12

5. We have already OVERCOME through Christ...regardless of what we see or feel.
"For everyone who has been born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world - our faith." 1 John 5:4

Self-Care...A Mother's Delimma

It's been a few weeks since my last blog post. There are quite a few changes coming in our household, which I'll blog about later. In this time of chaos, crossroads and major decision-making, I have been repeatedly confronted with the words "Self-Care".

Self-Care, in theory, seems like a straight forward concept. Take care of yourself, you can't give from an empty place, you deserve to give to yourself time, and so on. There is research on the benefits of Self-Care and the consequences of the lack of. However, for most moms, this concept carries a level of complexity with mixed thoughts and emotions.

Don't get me wrong, every mom would love long baths, quiet time for reading a favorite book, shopping for themselves, going to the gym or any other activities they enjoy. In order for a mom to practice self-care, it requires three things; Time, Energy and Resources. Without all three of these things lining up, self-care is impossible.

Sometimes, we have the time and resources, but no energy. Without that vital component, attempts at self-care can backfire. Even worse, we have the resources and the energy but no time!

The longer I am on this blended family journey, the more I am realizing the importance of taking care of myself. Unfortunately, time, energy and resources are only available in limited quantities. We only have 24 hours in a day, we only have so much resources and energy....well, enough said. And if that obstacle wasn't big enough, there's guilt.Because there are limited quantities, in order for mom to practice self-care, those commodities have to be taken from somewhere else...kids, husband, friends, or other organized activities like church.

There's the dilemma...In order for me to take care of myself, someone else has to go without. When I finally get some time, energy and resources set aside for myself, I feel guilty of what I am not doing for others. The money I spend on my nails or a new outfit can go towards clothes for the kids. The time I spend volunteering could be spent with family and friends. The energy I spend at the gym could be spent in quality time with my husband.

Most times, I choose to forego self-care so I don't feel guilty or selfish. So I can feel like a nurturer, a provider, a mother. Sacrifice seems like a small price to pay for the feeling that I am doing my job.

But sacrifice isn't a small price to pay...it's a big one, bigger than I realized. All of those little sacrifices of time, energy and resources diverted from self-care add up in a big way. Feelings of accomplishment begin to get replaced with feelings of being overwhelmed. Other feelings like anxiousness, feeling unappreciated,  and irritability become frequent visitors. When schedule changes are made by the ex, or the kids get wrapped up in adult disagreements between homes, we become a little less patient...a little less forgiving. We begin to displace our frustrations on situations and people...to the point we have nothing positive to add. Then we feel guilty...guilty for not having more fun, for not making happy memories, for not being able to give the best of ourselves to our spouses or kids. Not to mention the physical aspects of the lack of self-care. Ugh...the dilemma.

So when you hear about the importance of taking care of yourself...really hear it. Let it serve as a reminder. Check in on yourself frequently. If I need those lessons with my favorite gym instructor, I need to prioritize that. If I need a long, hot bath, I need to make it happen. If I need to replace some clothing, I should. Even typing this, it feels selfish....saying it out loud feels even more selfish. BUT I am working on changing my thoughts and feelings.

I'm realizing I'd rather feel guilty for taking time for myself so I can be in a better place, than feel guilty for being irritable, anxious, impatient and unforgiving. God will help me find a good balance between self-care and care for others. It is no longer an option to cut out self-care.

Do you not know that you are God's temple and that God's Spirit dwells in you? 
1 Corinthians 3:16

Building Bridges between Double Lives

We've heard stories in the news from time to time of someone, usually a man, having two separate families, in two different towns, complete with a separate wives and children. Neither family is aware of the other's existence and the man lives each life completely separate from the other. When he finally gets caught, people wonder, 'How did the wives not know?' or "Why did it take so long for him to get caught?'.

In blended families with joint custody arrangements, our kids live double lives. Separate houses, separate rules and separate family. These two living arrangements are almost completely independent....almost. We want our children to feel a sense of belonging or contentedness with our home even when they aren't here.

Unfortunately, the kids are more disconnected than we'd like. During their time away, it is like their life at our home is put on pause. There are no calls for a step-sister's birthday, grandparents day or to check in on a sick family member. Phone visitation serves as a quick check in, but you may as well be thousands of miles away. The kids are often distant or reluctant to have meaningful discussion as a result of normal age behavior, lack of support for mutual relationships by the ex....or both. Regardless of why, it is still sad to see a kid upset because their sister didn't call on their birthday or some other event.

When the kids do come home for their scheduled time, the first few hours spent is "Catching up" on everything that happened while they were gone, but these catch up times are less meaningful. It is more like reading a newspaper, outlining events.

How do we instill a sense of belonging and responsibility that carries between two homes? How can we teach a teenager that it is still the right thing to do to call their dad and tell him happy birthday, even if it falls on a day they are not there? How do we teach them that it is still a nice act of kindness to make your sibling a card if they don't feel well, even if you won't see them for a few days.

As a parent, I can do a better job of giving the reminders before events. I can tell my kids what may be coming up while they are gone and set an expectation for them to respond. If they don't follow through, it should be okay to tell them feelings were hurt because they were silent. In real life, relationships don't go on hold. Kids should be taught that relationships work two ways. Kindness and consideration are not just things we receive, but that we give back..even in blended families. For example, the expectation is there for me to buy the kids birthday or Christmas gifts, even if it falls on a day they are not here. So why should I not set the expectation they should reciprocate the relationship, especially with their family....siblings and grandparents.

Just because a family member is not present that day, doesn't mean they don't matter.

These situations are teachable moments. We like to make excuses for our kids by saying, 'Well, they're not here so we can't expect them to remember." or "They'll just do something when they get back.". These may be true, but am I teaching them life skills? Most times when they get home, they have forgotten about the birthday, grandparent's day or whatever else happened...and so have I. The opportunity to show other family members respect and appreciation by celebrating with them or being empathetic in hard times is gone.

I want our children to be good at relationships. That starts by me being a better teacher. I will be more encouraging of all their relationships and examine areas where we expect separation. I will work to set an expectation that family is a system of support at all times. I will teach that when it is our turn to give back, we need to step up...find a way if we need to. Blended families have to be creative and find ways to work around the obstacles of schedules, but it is doable.

No more free passes for one-sided relationships. We can't get rid of the double lives but I am willing to help build bridges between the two lives and find better and creative ways to teach my children about meaningful relationships.

If You Don't Have Anything Nice to Say...

...Type it up in a status on Facebook! Okay, not really. We truly know nothing good ever comes from posting negativity on social media. The temptation to get some relief of overflowing frustration by fundraising sympathy from others can be enticing but only offers temporary relief. There will always be more situations to complain about. The frustration may even be justified so it is easy to become a broadcaster of all things negative, eventually becoming the avoided contact both virtually and in person.

Here's the reality.

No one cares to hear about all my problems...especially in their news feeds.

No one likes to be around negative people who drain their energy...and energy is a precious commodity these days and should be used wisely.

Everyone has problems and speaking negative things over my situations only causes more stress.

I am working on being better about speaking positive things into my life. The ex may be causing more drama than a reality show, the kids may act out and schedules may be blowing up like an atomic bomb BUT there will always be something good I can say. 

My perceptions guide my thoughts, my thoughts guide my words and my words guide my actions. If my perception is negative, it effects everything else, like falling dominoes.

This week, I am choosing to re-focus on the good things...pay more attention to the words coming out of my mouth...and protect my perceptions from negativity that can take root in my heart like a weed in a garden. I'm not waiting for the situation to change, I am praying for positive perceptions. Regardless how I feel, I will be more mindful of what I say...speak good things.

"Words satisfy the mind as much as fruit does the stomach; good talk is as gratifying as a good harvest. Words kill, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit—you choose."Proverbs 18:20-21

Credit....The Elephant in the Room

Divorce takes a hit on everything, especially our finances. Even after years have passed, our credit can still be a shadow reflecting your past. It is easy to get caught up in the numbers and feel labeled...judged. We hear (or see) the words "poor credit", like a flashing neon light, and feel everyone else can see it to. Like a bad reputation, it takes a long time to repair.

So, there are two, seemingly  acceptable, options. Face it or Ignore it.

Common sense would say facing the issue would be more productive and better yet, more responsible. However, many of us choose the latter option, to IGNORE.
Nothing hurts worse than being labeled by a number, a number that says you are not worthy of trust. Our credit becomes the elephant in the room. The forbidden number. We avoid any attempt or situation that would result in "running our credit". Denial sets in and we subconsciously convince ourselves it isn't that important, it isn't that bad or there's not anything we can do about it.
Like any problem, if we don't face it, we can't make it better. Like a re-run, a cliche' or whatever else you want to call it. There is no magic solution, no formula, no quick fix. Like everything after a divorce, it takes time to repair....to restore...our hope, our self-esteem, even our finances.

And most of all...We can't invite God into the process if there is NO process!

A few years ago, I decided to take on the credit elephant. It has been a slow...slow....slow....process. The worst part was getting started and facing the reality of where I was. Believe me, it was not pretty. I committed myself to the process regardless of what the number said about me. I asked God for wisdom and favor. Over the past few years, my score has increased over 100 points!!! I am not where I want to be but I am further than I was yesterday. My confidence has grown, knowing it is something I can tackle, with God's help. I have the faith I will get there.

Here are a few things I've done to help along the way.

1. Invite God into the process FIRST!
2. Plug up the bucket! If there are holes in your finances (uncontrolled spending, overextending, poor budgeting), nothing you could ever do will fix the issue with credit. Budget, budget, budget.
3. Rip off the band-aid. Find out where you are. Run a free credit report. You get 1 free every year.
4. Learn what you can. I sought materials from Dave Ramsey and Clark Howard. There are lots of free stuff online by these two as well as books and workbooks.
5. Monitor your progress. I use two free apps, Credit Karma and Credit Sesame. I can see on a weekly and monthly basis where I am, I get alerts and I can see what raises and lowers my scores.
6. Find ways to GIVE! Give back with your finances and time. It will come back to you.
7. Stay Committed. Don't give up and know it CAN get better!

Proverbs 27:23

"Be diligent to know the state of your flocks, and attend to your herds."

Proverbs 21:5

"The plans of the diligent lead surely to plenty, but those of everyone who is hasty, surely to poverty."

Psalm 20:4

"May He give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed."

Proverbs 1:5

"A wise man will hear and increase learning, and a man of understanding will attain wise counsel."

The "Not Fair" Trap

People, in general, have a tendency to expect things to be “fair”. We learn early on that fair = right, unfair = wrong. I wish things were so simple. Fairness is extremely subjective, what seems fair to one person may seem unfair to another.

“She was invited for a play date and I wasn't!”

“He got a bigger piece than I did!”

“You bought her new shoes and not me!”

In a normal parenting environment, this is extremely frustrating. In a blended family, it is enough to start World War III! When the kids are at the other parent’s home, they expect life to stand still at our home. No one should do anything or receive anything that may be considered “fun”, “exciting” or simply different from normal routine.

Here’s our scenario:

• We have 3 kids full time
• We have 1 kid half time
• We are supposed to get the other 3 a little less than half time but often don’t get the minimum visitation.

The kids that are home full time get to go to the family parties (birthdays, anniversaries), church events or shopping outings that happen to fall during time we don’t have the others. They also “need” more things at our home like clothes, shoes, supplies, etc. They also experience more down time when there isn't anything planned like soccer games.

Regardless of the living arrangements or circumstances, when everyone is home, it is like each kid takes a personal inventory of what the others got while they were gone. They get disappointed of the perceived “extra” stuff the others got to do when they weren't home. We then hear:

“You spend more time with them than me.”

“We don’t go there when I’m over there.”

“I don’t get extra clothes.”

“They get to do xyz and I don’t.”

“It’s not fair”

We fell into the “It’s not fair” trap and tried putting life on hold and not accepting activities that might make the other kids feel bad. What we find is that they were doing fun and exciting stuff at the other parent’s house while we were expected to wait for them. We quickly learned that “fair” and “unfair” rarely applies to blended family parenting.

We now say, “It’s not fair. It’s not unfair. It’s just different.”

We should always encourage the kids to take “fair” and “unfair” out of their vocabulary in this situation. If you let a child think these situations are “unfair”, they feel they were “wronged”. They begin to focus on the other siblings and what they “get” and it becomes a crusade to make things equal, fair and just. You find yourself defending why you bought the child new shoes because they grew out of their old ones or why you allowed one to go to a birthday party they were invited to. 

No one was wronged. It is not unfair. In reality; it is just a different situation.

It doesn't help we have ex-spouses encouraging the fair/unfair mentality by saying, “They always do things with the other kids and not you.” Or if one child gets a gift from a birthday party, the other parent goes out and buys the child who didn't get something to make it “fair”.

Regardless of the other parents’ style of dealing with this situation, our message stays clear.

 “If you want to be treated as an individual, you will not always receive what someone else gets and they won’t always receive what you get. If you want to be treated the same, we can punish you when they get in trouble, buy everyone the exact same clothes and shoes, put everyone to bed at the same time, not allow you to go to parties unless everyone is invited because it wouldn't be ‘fair’ based on your definition. You can’t pick and choose what is ‘fair’ when you want to benefit something, sometimes things are just different.”

Step-mom Problems (funny)

There is not a lot of humor about being in a blended family. I tried to locate some funny sayings using a web search tool but found very little. This did not surprise me as a sense of humor was likely forfeited somewhere in the divorce decree. Along the way, between court dates and poor communication, we forget to laugh….at ourselves or at the situation.

I have made a frail attempt to come up with my own funny sayings about being a step-mom, you will see below. At least I made myself chuckle and hope it will do the same for you.

Enjoy!

Courts and Custody - Advocates or Enablers?

I’m going to go out on a limb here by saying MOST blended families find themselves in court navigating custody proceedings with their exes.

(I’m trying to steer clear of the phrase “Custody Battle” because anytime we “Battle” with the other parent, the kids will lose.)

We often go into the court process hopeful. If you have never had dealings with court systems before, you see the court through rose-colored glasses. You anticipate they will set things right, each party will be held accountable for their behaviors and you will FINALLY get some resolve.

Unfortunately, many of us find ourselves in long, drawn out proceedings lasting for several years. Behaviors that are forbidden by court orders go unpunished and accountability for either parent is almost non-existent. The best interest of the kids is often overlooked or “passed” for another court date. Resolution becomes a seemingly distant and unattainable goal. If there was ever tension between you and your ex before, this long and drawn out process magnifies it, causing more problems than what had existed before.

Often, we feel we are the only ones with urgency and our hearts break as we see the impacts on our kids of living in this situation, like a dark cloud over the family. Judges, attorneys and other court appointed participants downplay any importance in the case and remind us that since there is no drug abuse, physical abuse or kidnapping it is not as deserving of their time and attention. In reality, a lot of abuse comes in more subtle ways through manipulation, fear and anger. Courts become enablers allowing knowingly harmful behaviors to continue for long periods, with no accountability. Ultimately, the court’s authority becomes powerless as one party or the other uses the system to their advantage under the watchful eye of the court system that allows it.

So now that I painted this dark and gloomy picture of one of the most stressful and frustrating situations of being in a blended family, I want to insert a bright ray of light.

God sees the situation. God will make things right.

God has authority. God can restore.

In Romans 8:28, we are encouraged that God will make things right. He can take a man made mess and turn it into something good.

“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them.” Romans 8:28

So for this season, we can re-focus our attention to God

and away from the court system.

Courts will not solve the problem. Courts are not the best advocates for our kids and our families. Courts will disappoint.

God will solve the custody problems. God is the best advocate

for our kids and our families. God will never fail.

The "F" Word - Forgiveness!

In many blended families, custody battles and unresolved hurts lead to bitterness and unforgiveness of your ex spouse, a step-parent or others you felt wronged you and your children. Sometimes, the legal system and society reinforce the notion you were wronged and we use it as justification to remain offended.

Unfortunately, we all know unforgiveness hurts us more than the person we harbor bitterness against. Have you heard that bitterness/unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. It’s true.

The true consequence of unforgiveness is the stolen joy and peace from our own life. The longer we hold on to the offense, the more we torture our family and ourselves.

We are facing a crossroad in our situation. We are fed up with our peace and joy being affected by the ex or the ex’s new partner. An attack from the ex over something small can ruin our joy for days. Our peace dissipates as we ponder what actions need to be taken as well as rehashing past situations where the ex was “in the wrong”.

I’m learning that I don’t need to forgive the other person because they deserve it, but because I deserve it…the peace and joy of not holing on to those offenses. God forgives me when I don’t deserve it and I know I blow it and need that mercy.

It’s easier said than done! Believe me, I think I have tried to forgive a hundred times last month. With ongoing attack, the offense comes back and I find myself knee deep in bitterness once again.

So, I am drawing a line in the sand. I want peace. I want joy. Not sometimes, but always.

Here is what I am doing to help combat the bitterness that keeps knocking on the door of my heart.

1. I choose forgiveness, deserved or not.
2. Remember the offender is just as much a creation of God as I am, my bitterness towards them is bitterness towards God.
3. When an attack comes, give it to God…right away. Not after I have stewed over it a few days.
4. Re-Focus my energy on loving my family. When energy is limited, they are worth more of it than my troubles.
5. Guard my heart, stay in God’s Word.
6. Pray a lot!!!

And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.” Mark 11:25

May the Lord judge between me and you, may the Lord avenge me against you, but my hand shall not be against you. As the proverb of the ancients says, ‘Out of the wicked comes wickedness.’ But my hand shall not be against you. 1 Samuel 24:12-13

To speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people. Titus 3:2

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:32

For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. Matthew 6:14-15

Life Under a Microscope - Paparazzi and Tabloids

    Living in a blended family can feel like you are a celebrity being stalked by the paparazzi and being showcased in the tabloids. Everything you do as a parent is being monitored and misinterpreted everyday. There is this notion that just because you are a divorced parent, you no longer have your child’s best interest at heart. Every action you take is considered harmful, unnecessary or inappropriate by the other parent and their family. Even nuclear families miss the mark from time to time, but in blended families, a mistake can be very costly and cause a whole lot more issues than ever necessary.

• You child falls off the trampoline – you are accused of neglect
• You take your child’s phone away for being disrespectful – you are accused of emotional abuse and disrespect of their feelings
• You encourage future planning for college – you are accused of implying the other parent is a drain on society
• Your child gets upset with you over something trivial – You are told your child never wants to see you again
• Insert your situation here….

    Sometimes, these accusations from the other parent are more subtle and other times they are relentless. There are also brief periods of calm and quiet from the other side and other time it seems the assaults won’t stop. I am continually dumbfounded by the accusations that are made by my ex and my husband’s ex. Some accusations are so absurd and I wonder what the hidden agendas are. There HAS to be a reason for someone to want to stir up so much drama and live at odds with someone for a long period of time. Paparazzi and tabloids are motivated by money. Misrepresenting a story is all about turning a profit without regard for the families they portray. So what is the motivation for blended families to continue to accuse and misrepresent situations; control, image, and getting a hand up in court at the expense of the kids???

   We have all participated in the game. Even I have intentionally provided information to the other parent in a way I knew they would get wound up, just to mess with them…did I just admit that out loud?? Let’s be real.

   The only reason the paparazzi and the tabloids continue to exist is because there are people on the other side that buy into the story and support their actions monetarily. When we, as a blended family, stop buying into the drama that comes with the territory, things can go a lot smoother. Will the other side stop watching your every move and reporting your errors on social media sites? Likely not. Will the other side see that you only have the best intentions for your kids? Not a chance. Will the other side stop manipulating situations to their benefit or to get that piece of information over you? Probably not.

BUT

   We can CHOOSE to live a life of integrity regardless of what the other parent feels or says about you. Just because it is printed in the tabloids doesn't mean it is true. It doesn't mean you have to offer a rebuttal for every accusation. Most importantly, you don’t have to let the other parent make you feel inferior or question the value of the role you have in your children’s lives.

   

Focus on the good, focus on your family and put your trust in God. We don’t have to always look over our shoulder anticipating the next attack. I strongly believe satan uses our specific situation to break us down, to destroy the single biggest threat to his existence…a strong Godly family. We are stronger together and he knows it.

   Just because our first, or second, marriages fail…doesn't mean God doesn't have a good plan for our lives. Focus on moving forward, not on the attacks from the other parent. God says we don’t have to live on the defense, we live on the offense…knowing he will fight our battles for us and we have the victory!!!!

“Put on all of God's armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. For we [fn] are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places. Therefore, put on every piece of God's armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm.”

Ephesians 6:11-13

“The LORD says, "I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name. When they call on me, I will answer; I will be with them in trouble. I will rescue and honor them.” Psalms 91: 14-15

Thankful for Successful Vacations

   Well, it's been a few weeks since I've blogged. We have successfully completed another family vacation. And by successfully, I mean we came home home with all of our children...unharmed...physically. It is always nice to get away from "Normal", turn your world upside down and try hard to make the best memories you can.

Our vacation went something like this:

12	people on a road trip
60	hours in a car
12	days of vacation in NC
3	hotel stays
2	days at Washington DC
2	days at a beach
15	people staying in one house
1	sleepless baby
37	questions of "Are we there?"
281	"I'm hungry"
25	miles of sightseeing
26	energy drinks
13	"If you don’t behave, I'm gonna…"
0	Lost children

  There were times we were sooo exhausted, physically and mentally. We wondered if the kids truly appreciated the sacrifices we made to give them the experience. We wondered if it was all worth it...

The answer is a thousand times, YES!

   We got to see the look on our kids' faces when they got to play in the Atlantic Ocean for the first time, their excitement at trying to find that next seashell. They visited our nation's capitol and were awed by the creatures displayed in the museum and the size of the Washington and Lincoln monuments. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, parents and kids all got to experience these sights, each for the first time, together. There will never be another first time for them and we got to give that to them. The memories, the laughs, the frustrations...all of it.

   After coordinating schedules with the exes, daily calls to check in, and communicating locations added to all of the other work to make this happen, the trip was worth it. One family, experiencing the "firsts" of life, together.

For those 12 days, we were 1 unit. Not yours, not mine, not ours...but "all of us". At home, we only see glimpses of "all of us". Vacation gave us time away from the blended chaos, away from the back and forth between parents. And for 12 days, there was some peace...not peace as in quiet or lack of frustration, but a peace only a blended family would understand. For those 12 days, the focus was away from the drama, frustration and confusion that is the unfortunate staple of a blended family. Family became the focus.

  So, if you are considering a vacation, wondering if you can coordinate schedules or if it would even be worth the hassle....the answer is YES. It won't be perfect, but you won't regret it.

Life is Like Garage Sales and Road Trips

    On the surface, Garage Sales and Road Trips do not have a lot in common other than the potential for complete chaos! Many people would rather have a root canal than participate in either of these activities. Other people are just crazy!

    Me, I’m on the crazy side…if you wouldn’t have guessed. I’m a planner and both activities require a lot of planning! Going into the process I am hopeful. I’m organizing for the sale, researching hotels, mapping out the best routes, re-arranging visitation schedules and even creating an itinerary. And that’s how I usually start large projects…with wide eyes, rose-colored glasses and a creepy smile as I explore all of the possibilities!

    My “To Do” list for the next 10 days include both a garage sale and a big road trip with the family. As I think through all the planning and organizing needed, reality sets in and it is easy to feel overwhelmed at all the work. There is a potential, that despite all the effort I put into the process, something could go wrong. Time slips away faster and faster. And what’s worse, so does my energy. Red Bull no longer gives me wings and I wonder if I could pull it off.

    In some of my past experiences, it was so easy for me to get caught up in preparations (to prevent any potential obstacle before it happens) and not enjoy the process. I start out with all the hope and excitement of a kid with a new puppy that realizes cleaning up messes is not pleasant. By the time we would pull out of the driveway to begin our trip, I’d be on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I would almost wait for a bad look or slight hint of an attitude from my husband or one of the kids so I could feel justified for being in a bad mood. The result was that it’s no fun for anyone. I’d have to step back periodically and remind myself that although these processes can be overwhelming, the payoff can be something amazing.

    This process also reminds me of being a parent and life in general. It takes a lot of planning and effort. There are obstacles along the way. We may get overwhelmed with all the preparation at times. But our ultimate goal is to know that we did something good and to see the results of all of our hard work. We expect a good outcome for our kids and we want good memories for them and for us. We love being parents, we love our family and we expect good things.

So in my preparations this week, I’m going to choose to:

• Focus on the outcome.
• RELAX.
• Anticipate something great to happen for our family.
• Minimize the frustration over any obstacles.
• Enjoy creating memories

Road Trip…36 hours and 22 minutes (minimum) in a van, filled to capacity…4 teenagers, 2 young kids and a baby. Please PRAY for us!

Divorce is NOT an Excuse!

Divorce is a failure. There is no way around it. We can reason with ourselves that it was something less to make us feel better but the reality is the marriage failed. We became a statistic, despite all of our best intentions going into it. Because of the chaos that ensues after a divorce, we immediately start making excuses for how and why things went south. We may behave in ways that are childish and selfish, and justify our actions by the hurt. As long as we embrace the excuses that help to shield us from hurt and rejection, the longer we are held back from enjoying a life of promise, given to us by God.

Divorce is tragic. But, there is something so much more tragic than divorce…making divorce an excuse for your present and future.

When you allow the promises of God for your life to be overshadowed by your temporary failures…that is the true tragedy.

When we learn to rely on God, instead of using divorce as our excuse, we find freedom. Freedom from pain, freedom from condemnation, freedom from fear…

God Forgives, God restores, God Loves

Here are some Divorce Excuses and what God’s Word has to say…

The Divorce Excuse	God Says…
Divorce is not an excuse to pull away from God.	“Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.” James 1:12
Divorce is not an excuse to label yourself as a failure.	“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” 2 Corinthians 5:17
Divorce is not an excuse to treat people poorly…even your ex.	“Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” Romans 12:17-18
Divorce is not an excuse to live in poverty.	“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the Lord, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile.” Jeremiah 19:11-14
Divorce is not an excuse to have no dreams or plans for your future.	“There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off. Listen, my son, and be wise, and set your heart on the right path” Proverbs 23:18-19
Divorce is not an excuse to justify “wrong” actions as “right”.	“If you are wise and understand God's ways, prove it by living an honorable life, doing good works with the humility that comes from wisdom.” James 3:13
Divorce is not an excuse to be depressed.	“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. A righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all.” Psalm 34:18-19