Oceans

   Nothing can describe blended family life more than the ocean. In all it's majesty and power, there is nothing about the ocean that is constant. Researchers devote their lives trying to figure out the ocean's depths, the life undiscovered there and the reasons why it behaves the way it does. Each answer we find leads us to more unanswered questions. The ocean cannot be completely known, a mystery that is both mesmerizing and frightening at the same time.

   Blended family life often feels more like the storm brewing over troubled waters, a lurking danger. We feel helplessly attacked, sometimes by the ex or other outside influences and even more frequently, by our own unmet expectations and insecurities. Most days are somewhere between a gentle rain and a hurricane...the storms of life.

   Like the ocean, we are resilient. Even after the fiercest storm that threatens to tear us apart, we will still have moments of sunshine, peace and calm. We can close our eyes and breathe in all the good and perfectly imperfect blessings in our lives. We know, that even in the gentle, rolling waves; we are forever changed by the tide.

   Every wave molds us into something new...different but still spectacular. If you find yourself in a barrage of endless crashing waves, hold tight. You do not have to be capsized by the waves of blended family life, but be called above them by a God who loves you and wants good things for you and your family.

Think Twice Before Interfering with Your Child's Relationship with their Other Parent

Children thrive on relationships. Their ability to see a person's best qualities and be almost blind to their faults is something truly special. This openness in relationship allows children to experience the fullness of what people have to offer, without fear. The world is good. Somewhere along the way, we learn people are flawed and the world doesn't always do what's right. 

Parents in custody disputes are often very knowledgeable about the other parent's flaws. In many cases, each flaw is exaggerated and used against the other parent. Protecting a child from another parent's flaws becomes a need, much like breathing. 

In the name of "protection", parents act as self-appointed judge and jury. They interfere in all aspects of the other, imperfect parent's ability to build a relationship with their child...judging every action and handing out punishments for any perceived offense. Sometimes the interference is unintentional, but in most cases it's intentionally manipulative. These parents seek to "win" their child or "justify" themselves at the expense of the other, lifting themselves higher. Children are  exposed to negative talk about the other parent,  told about adult disagreements/situations, discouraged/not allowed to visit, have monitored communication or schooled on reasons the other parent is not a good person.

You may say I don't understand. Your situation is different. The other parent hurts your child's feelings. They don't know how to be a good parent. The child doesn't like going to the other parent's house. You need to understand a few things. 

1) At some point, you have (or will) hurt your child's feelings. It happens in every parent-child relationship. It doesn't deserve your removal from the child any more than the other parent. 

2) Being a parent doesn't come with a manual and you will make mistakes. We all miss the mark. There is no such thing as a perfect parent. Again, if you mess up you don't deserve to lose access to your child so why would you crucify the other parent for their mistakes?

3)  Children's emotions are fragile and changing, and shouldn't drive major life decisions. Your child may not like their teacher at school but it doesn't mean you stop sending them. The benefits of an education are more important than their temporary discomfort.  Likewise, the benefit of the relationship with both parents is more important than their temporary discomfort. When the pendulum swings and it's your home they don't like (it will happen), you don't deserve to lose access to your child.

If you ever discuss the other parent in a negative way or otherwise interfere with the child's relationship with the other parent...STOP! You may be right in everything you say, but is YOUR need to be right more important to you than your CHILD'S future?

When you interfere,  you are acting as if your short term victory is more important than your child's long term defeat!

DEFEAT? Absolutely. Your child loses...EVERY time. Let's pretend for a moment there are not mountains of studies of the negative effects on children who were estranged from one of their parents. Poor coping, depression,  relationship issues in adulthood,  low self-esteem, at risk behavior like sex and drug use, teen pregnancy, suicide...do I have your attention yet? There's more.

In addition to increasing your child's risk for things mentioned above, there is MORE damage you do when interfering in your child's relationship with the other parent. Including:

1. You steal their innocence. 

You rob them of experiencing the good in people. Their love is restrained and guarded when it should be open and free. It is not your job to expose the other parent's flaws to your child. The other parent may truly be a liar, have poor parenting skills, be a deadbeat or whatever else. If these are true character flaws, your child will learn them on their own...without your help. Encourage them to love others, especially a parent, despite their flaws. After all, you want them to love you with the same consideration. 

2. You shatter their support system. 

Despite how you feel about the other parent, they bring more than their flaws to the table. They themselves are support for the child, and so are other family members and friends. You don't just remove one person from the child's life, you remove everyone. The weaker the child's overall support systems, the higher risk for long term struggle. These connections are important in teaching the child things you. They also offer love and support. When these people are gone, such as a death in the family, the child will never be able to get that relationship back. You forever robbed them of the good things these people had to offer.

3. You steal their membership.

Birthdays, holidays,  anniversaries, family reunions, vacations, grandparent visits, play dates with cousins...all these events are either tainted or not accessible to the child. They feel they no longer belong, they're not important...it's tragic to take this away to prove you're right.

4. You steal special moments...their childhood. 

You may feel every moment at the other parent's home is torture on your child...and you'd be wrong. You only get a small glimpse of your child's life at the other home. If you are pumping your child for all the negative events and information at the other house, that's all you get. Kids will tell you what they think you want to hear. If you make a big deal about every perceived mistreatment and downplay or disregard the good things...the child will stop telling you the good. They get more affectionate responses when you go into protective mode. 

Every home, including yours, has good and bad moments for your child. In the good moments, memories are being made. Family boards games, playing with siblings, overnight visits with grandparents,  making cookies, learning knock knock jokes...memories. Interfering with the other parent's access blocks these opportunities.

My Challenge to You:

• Learn to separate your own selfish motives (or fears) from the needs of your children. Children NEED to be loved and accepted by both parents and the support systems they bring with them.
• Set aside the unrealistic expectations of the other parent to be always perfect. Show grace and be supportive because someday, you may need grace and support in return.
• Actively encourage your children to love and participate with the other parent despite your own, and sometimes the child's, short term discomfort.
• Allow your child to develop a relationship with the other parent on their own, without interference. Their relationship may be rocky, but it will be theirs.

Disclaimer: This information is not intended to apply to true abusive situations. There are true cases of abuse and this blog, in no way, minimizes the suffering in those situations. There is a big difference in having flaws and being abusive. However, any attempt to distort a loving parent's flaw into false allegations of abuse, maliciously limiting access to a child, is unethical. These parents should lose custody because they have become the abuser.

You Don't Look Like You Have That Many Kids

When I tell people I have 7 children, I immediately get the response, "You don't look like you could have 7 children!!". I always find myself with the urge to explain. The conversation that follows divulges more information than I care to share in most cases. In a matter of a few sentences, a practical stranger knows my husband and I have both divorced, we are a blended family and that I am a stepmom.

I find humor in these interactions. I don't know if I should be flattered I don't look like I should have 7 children. What does that even mean? What is a mother of 7 children supposed to look like anyway? Biologically speaking, I could have birthed all 7 kids in the course of my life. Meaning, I am old enough and the age distribution of our kids would be feasibly possible had I had 7 kids myself. Am I supposed to have the dark circles under my eyes, the baby on the hip, frazzled hair and permanent frown? I know several moms with kids and they are beautiful, superheroes!

When someone finds out I am also a stepmother, the awe that permeated our conversations before transforms to pity. The conversation takes a more awkward turn. Not awkward for me because I have heard it a thousand times, but more awkward for my unsuspecting conversationalist. "Wow, how do you do it?", "Do they live with you?" or "They look like they could be yours." are the normal responses, followed by a quick exit.

Being a stepmom enlists us into this world of drama. Everyone knows it. Very few want to have anything to do with it. Other mothers may pity us from afar, but in conversations are reluctant to "open a can of worms".

I know I can do better about speaking more positively about life in general. The stepmom role consumes so much of our time and energy, especially in high conflict situations. The result is recurring conversations with our friends, family or random acquaintances about "what the bio mom is up to now", "we went to court again and..."or "you won't believe what she did". 

I'm learning, no one wants to hear that mess! Nothing personal. I even get tired of dealing with it, so why would anyone else volunteer to be "brought up to speed".

So, let's save our anxious conversations for support groups or conversations with our spouse...for everyone else, find something more positive to talk about. We are MORE than a stepmom. We should have a life that doesn't revolve around bio mom drama. We should find reasons to celebrate our life. If put on the spot, we should be able to rattle off a list of great things going on! If not, we need to find more of the good life...the God life!

I, in fact, enjoy not looking like I would have 7 kids. Next time anyone asks, I may just explain I had 4 of my kids and adopted the other 3 and bypass all the stepmom stigma and baby momma drama.

What's My Label?

  Maybe it's because I'm a woman. Maybe it's because I am a mother...or a stepmom...or a wife. Whatever the reason, I struggle frequently with who I am in the middle of it all. Sometimes I feel lost in a sea of labels and expectations. I'm tossed back and forth in the waves of life. I have to be a good at all my roles or I don't feel like I'm enough. Of course, "good" is relative and defined mostly by my own assumptions about what I should or shouldn't be. Sometimes I'm on top of the water, but mostly I feel like I'm sinking...not drowning, just barely treading water and growing weary.

    I do what any well-meaning woman would do when circumstances are overwhelming. I look for validation like it’s a life raft. I seek signs of appreciation, kindness or gestures from my husband or my kids. Clueless to the unrealistic expectation I've placed on them, I'm often left disappointed, emotional and irritable. Ugh!

    I've been reading a book titled "The Smart Stepfamily" by Ron Deal. In one of the chapters, he discusses the need for parents to first have an individual relationship with God. At first it seemed so cliché. Yeah, yeah...I've heard it all before. I pray. I pray a lot! As I read further, my heart stirred in a big way. The book encouraged the importance of knowing who we are in Christ.

    I know God helps my family and shows up often. We love and trust him. I have faith. He is the center of our family. But somehow, I've missed the mark. I have lost touch with God my Father, a father who loves me and validates me. He thinks I'm beautiful and valuable...I am enough.

    The reason I am feeling lost in the sea of labels and expectations is because I've lost sight of the One whose labels matter most. 

    I'm going to have a heart to heart with my Father. Here's what he has to say...

1.     God chose me and I am special. (John 15:16, Eph 1:3-8, 1 Peter 2:9)

2.     I am God’s masterpiece. (Eph 2:10)

3.     I can do anything, I am a conquerer. (Phil 4:13, Rom 8:37)

4.     I am loved. (Rom 1:7, 8:35-39, 1 Peter 1:5, 1 John 3:1, John 3:16)

5.     I am treasured and valued. (Proverbs 3:15)

6.     I am not alone. (Hebrews 13:5)

When a Change in Focus Feels Like Abandonment

   It's a new year, obviously, and a time my husband and I take inventory...on our marriage, or family goals and our financial goals. It is no secret we have been involved in a long custody dispute with my husband's ex-wife. After 3 years in the family court system, and our oldest turning 16 this year, we are left evaluating everything concerning the legal situation we are in.

   There has been no question we are right in our reasons for this journey and we have done everything we were supposed to. We've jumped through every hoop and shelled out thousands of dollars to attorneys, courts, counselors and parenting coordinators all in an effort to "fix" the issues with joint custody that are negatively impacting the kids. Regardless of all the evidence we've collected and documented, all the harm that is done, one thing is consistent...the legal system just isn't readily supportive of less obvious cases of family issues. The offending parent is rarely held accountable. What are we to do?

   The last 3 years have not brought anything to our blended family of value other than "documentation" of the abuses of one parent against the other. But that and a a dollar will buy you coffee...maybe.

   So, back to the new year. This situation is a big source of stress and under our yearly evaluation we discuss, "Is it worth it to continue?". Making a list of all the pros and cons of continuing this court battle leaves us with a blaring answer, "Stop". Sounds simple. Seems like the right thing. If there is no value and the children will be grown in a few years, why not spend what time we have left with them as children, the best we can. We could use our financial resources to make memories for them that are positive, not memories of a pissed-off bio mom and a stressed out dad.

    But like any investment of time, emotional and financial resources, we want to see a return. We hold on to the notion of "The good always win", "Right comes out on top", "Can we afford the emotional consequences of the kids staying in the situation", "Can we put up with continued unmonitored attacks against our family when the court isn't mediating". Stopping the whole process at this point feels like we are abandoning the kids and what we know is right for them. How can we stop? Is fighting for what is right actually worse than simply trying to minimize the frustration a different way? Regardless of how many Pros there are to stopping the court process, the feeling of abandonment is overwhelming.

   We often feel like a hopeless gambler, hoping the next bet is "the big payoff". The next court date will yield results. Someone will finally hold the offending party accountable. Justice will be served. After each year, we feel more and more foolish for believing in a system to set things right. Are we addicted to the process like a gambler, being ruled by feelings instead of logic?

   As we step into this evaluation stage of this court situation, we are changing. Our focus is changing. Our hearts are changing. Even at this point we are not completely clear on our next steps, but we know a few things to be true:

1. God is in control.
"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

2. Our hope will no longer be in the system to set things right. God will work all things out for good.
"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

3. God restores. It may not be the ways we would think, but it will be better.
"And the Lord restored the fortunes of Job, when he had prayed for his friends. And the Lord gave Job twice as much as he had before." Job 42:10

4. Our battle isn't with the Ex, it's against the spiritual attacks against our family.
"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places." Ephesians 6:12

5. We have already OVERCOME through Christ...regardless of what we see or feel.
"For everyone who has been born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world - our faith." 1 John 5:4

Building Bridges between Double Lives

We've heard stories in the news from time to time of someone, usually a man, having two separate families, in two different towns, complete with a separate wives and children. Neither family is aware of the other's existence and the man lives each life completely separate from the other. When he finally gets caught, people wonder, 'How did the wives not know?' or "Why did it take so long for him to get caught?'.

In blended families with joint custody arrangements, our kids live double lives. Separate houses, separate rules and separate family. These two living arrangements are almost completely independent....almost. We want our children to feel a sense of belonging or contentedness with our home even when they aren't here.

Unfortunately, the kids are more disconnected than we'd like. During their time away, it is like their life at our home is put on pause. There are no calls for a step-sister's birthday, grandparents day or to check in on a sick family member. Phone visitation serves as a quick check in, but you may as well be thousands of miles away. The kids are often distant or reluctant to have meaningful discussion as a result of normal age behavior, lack of support for mutual relationships by the ex....or both. Regardless of why, it is still sad to see a kid upset because their sister didn't call on their birthday or some other event.

When the kids do come home for their scheduled time, the first few hours spent is "Catching up" on everything that happened while they were gone, but these catch up times are less meaningful. It is more like reading a newspaper, outlining events.

How do we instill a sense of belonging and responsibility that carries between two homes? How can we teach a teenager that it is still the right thing to do to call their dad and tell him happy birthday, even if it falls on a day they are not there? How do we teach them that it is still a nice act of kindness to make your sibling a card if they don't feel well, even if you won't see them for a few days.

As a parent, I can do a better job of giving the reminders before events. I can tell my kids what may be coming up while they are gone and set an expectation for them to respond. If they don't follow through, it should be okay to tell them feelings were hurt because they were silent. In real life, relationships don't go on hold. Kids should be taught that relationships work two ways. Kindness and consideration are not just things we receive, but that we give back..even in blended families. For example, the expectation is there for me to buy the kids birthday or Christmas gifts, even if it falls on a day they are not here. So why should I not set the expectation they should reciprocate the relationship, especially with their family....siblings and grandparents.

Just because a family member is not present that day, doesn't mean they don't matter.

These situations are teachable moments. We like to make excuses for our kids by saying, 'Well, they're not here so we can't expect them to remember." or "They'll just do something when they get back.". These may be true, but am I teaching them life skills? Most times when they get home, they have forgotten about the birthday, grandparent's day or whatever else happened...and so have I. The opportunity to show other family members respect and appreciation by celebrating with them or being empathetic in hard times is gone.

I want our children to be good at relationships. That starts by me being a better teacher. I will be more encouraging of all their relationships and examine areas where we expect separation. I will work to set an expectation that family is a system of support at all times. I will teach that when it is our turn to give back, we need to step up...find a way if we need to. Blended families have to be creative and find ways to work around the obstacles of schedules, but it is doable.

No more free passes for one-sided relationships. We can't get rid of the double lives but I am willing to help build bridges between the two lives and find better and creative ways to teach my children about meaningful relationships.

If You Don't Have Anything Nice to Say...

...Type it up in a status on Facebook! Okay, not really. We truly know nothing good ever comes from posting negativity on social media. The temptation to get some relief of overflowing frustration by fundraising sympathy from others can be enticing but only offers temporary relief. There will always be more situations to complain about. The frustration may even be justified so it is easy to become a broadcaster of all things negative, eventually becoming the avoided contact both virtually and in person.

Here's the reality.

No one cares to hear about all my problems...especially in their news feeds.

No one likes to be around negative people who drain their energy...and energy is a precious commodity these days and should be used wisely.

Everyone has problems and speaking negative things over my situations only causes more stress.

I am working on being better about speaking positive things into my life. The ex may be causing more drama than a reality show, the kids may act out and schedules may be blowing up like an atomic bomb BUT there will always be something good I can say. 

My perceptions guide my thoughts, my thoughts guide my words and my words guide my actions. If my perception is negative, it effects everything else, like falling dominoes.

This week, I am choosing to re-focus on the good things...pay more attention to the words coming out of my mouth...and protect my perceptions from negativity that can take root in my heart like a weed in a garden. I'm not waiting for the situation to change, I am praying for positive perceptions. Regardless how I feel, I will be more mindful of what I say...speak good things.

"Words satisfy the mind as much as fruit does the stomach; good talk is as gratifying as a good harvest. Words kill, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit—you choose."Proverbs 18:20-21

The "Not Fair" Trap

People, in general, have a tendency to expect things to be “fair”. We learn early on that fair = right, unfair = wrong. I wish things were so simple. Fairness is extremely subjective, what seems fair to one person may seem unfair to another.

“She was invited for a play date and I wasn't!”

“He got a bigger piece than I did!”

“You bought her new shoes and not me!”

In a normal parenting environment, this is extremely frustrating. In a blended family, it is enough to start World War III! When the kids are at the other parent’s home, they expect life to stand still at our home. No one should do anything or receive anything that may be considered “fun”, “exciting” or simply different from normal routine.

Here’s our scenario:

• We have 3 kids full time
• We have 1 kid half time
• We are supposed to get the other 3 a little less than half time but often don’t get the minimum visitation.

The kids that are home full time get to go to the family parties (birthdays, anniversaries), church events or shopping outings that happen to fall during time we don’t have the others. They also “need” more things at our home like clothes, shoes, supplies, etc. They also experience more down time when there isn't anything planned like soccer games.

Regardless of the living arrangements or circumstances, when everyone is home, it is like each kid takes a personal inventory of what the others got while they were gone. They get disappointed of the perceived “extra” stuff the others got to do when they weren't home. We then hear:

“You spend more time with them than me.”

“We don’t go there when I’m over there.”

“I don’t get extra clothes.”

“They get to do xyz and I don’t.”

“It’s not fair”

We fell into the “It’s not fair” trap and tried putting life on hold and not accepting activities that might make the other kids feel bad. What we find is that they were doing fun and exciting stuff at the other parent’s house while we were expected to wait for them. We quickly learned that “fair” and “unfair” rarely applies to blended family parenting.

We now say, “It’s not fair. It’s not unfair. It’s just different.”

We should always encourage the kids to take “fair” and “unfair” out of their vocabulary in this situation. If you let a child think these situations are “unfair”, they feel they were “wronged”. They begin to focus on the other siblings and what they “get” and it becomes a crusade to make things equal, fair and just. You find yourself defending why you bought the child new shoes because they grew out of their old ones or why you allowed one to go to a birthday party they were invited to. 

No one was wronged. It is not unfair. In reality; it is just a different situation.

It doesn't help we have ex-spouses encouraging the fair/unfair mentality by saying, “They always do things with the other kids and not you.” Or if one child gets a gift from a birthday party, the other parent goes out and buys the child who didn't get something to make it “fair”.

Regardless of the other parents’ style of dealing with this situation, our message stays clear.

 “If you want to be treated as an individual, you will not always receive what someone else gets and they won’t always receive what you get. If you want to be treated the same, we can punish you when they get in trouble, buy everyone the exact same clothes and shoes, put everyone to bed at the same time, not allow you to go to parties unless everyone is invited because it wouldn't be ‘fair’ based on your definition. You can’t pick and choose what is ‘fair’ when you want to benefit something, sometimes things are just different.”

Step-mom Problems (funny)

There is not a lot of humor about being in a blended family. I tried to locate some funny sayings using a web search tool but found very little. This did not surprise me as a sense of humor was likely forfeited somewhere in the divorce decree. Along the way, between court dates and poor communication, we forget to laugh….at ourselves or at the situation.

I have made a frail attempt to come up with my own funny sayings about being a step-mom, you will see below. At least I made myself chuckle and hope it will do the same for you.

Enjoy!

Courts and Custody - Advocates or Enablers?

I’m going to go out on a limb here by saying MOST blended families find themselves in court navigating custody proceedings with their exes.

(I’m trying to steer clear of the phrase “Custody Battle” because anytime we “Battle” with the other parent, the kids will lose.)

We often go into the court process hopeful. If you have never had dealings with court systems before, you see the court through rose-colored glasses. You anticipate they will set things right, each party will be held accountable for their behaviors and you will FINALLY get some resolve.

Unfortunately, many of us find ourselves in long, drawn out proceedings lasting for several years. Behaviors that are forbidden by court orders go unpunished and accountability for either parent is almost non-existent. The best interest of the kids is often overlooked or “passed” for another court date. Resolution becomes a seemingly distant and unattainable goal. If there was ever tension between you and your ex before, this long and drawn out process magnifies it, causing more problems than what had existed before.

Often, we feel we are the only ones with urgency and our hearts break as we see the impacts on our kids of living in this situation, like a dark cloud over the family. Judges, attorneys and other court appointed participants downplay any importance in the case and remind us that since there is no drug abuse, physical abuse or kidnapping it is not as deserving of their time and attention. In reality, a lot of abuse comes in more subtle ways through manipulation, fear and anger. Courts become enablers allowing knowingly harmful behaviors to continue for long periods, with no accountability. Ultimately, the court’s authority becomes powerless as one party or the other uses the system to their advantage under the watchful eye of the court system that allows it.

So now that I painted this dark and gloomy picture of one of the most stressful and frustrating situations of being in a blended family, I want to insert a bright ray of light.

God sees the situation. God will make things right.

God has authority. God can restore.

In Romans 8:28, we are encouraged that God will make things right. He can take a man made mess and turn it into something good.

“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them.” Romans 8:28

So for this season, we can re-focus our attention to God

and away from the court system.

Courts will not solve the problem. Courts are not the best advocates for our kids and our families. Courts will disappoint.

God will solve the custody problems. God is the best advocate

for our kids and our families. God will never fail.

The "F" Word - Forgiveness!

In many blended families, custody battles and unresolved hurts lead to bitterness and unforgiveness of your ex spouse, a step-parent or others you felt wronged you and your children. Sometimes, the legal system and society reinforce the notion you were wronged and we use it as justification to remain offended.

Unfortunately, we all know unforgiveness hurts us more than the person we harbor bitterness against. Have you heard that bitterness/unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. It’s true.

The true consequence of unforgiveness is the stolen joy and peace from our own life. The longer we hold on to the offense, the more we torture our family and ourselves.

We are facing a crossroad in our situation. We are fed up with our peace and joy being affected by the ex or the ex’s new partner. An attack from the ex over something small can ruin our joy for days. Our peace dissipates as we ponder what actions need to be taken as well as rehashing past situations where the ex was “in the wrong”.

I’m learning that I don’t need to forgive the other person because they deserve it, but because I deserve it…the peace and joy of not holing on to those offenses. God forgives me when I don’t deserve it and I know I blow it and need that mercy.

It’s easier said than done! Believe me, I think I have tried to forgive a hundred times last month. With ongoing attack, the offense comes back and I find myself knee deep in bitterness once again.

So, I am drawing a line in the sand. I want peace. I want joy. Not sometimes, but always.

Here is what I am doing to help combat the bitterness that keeps knocking on the door of my heart.

1. I choose forgiveness, deserved or not.
2. Remember the offender is just as much a creation of God as I am, my bitterness towards them is bitterness towards God.
3. When an attack comes, give it to God…right away. Not after I have stewed over it a few days.
4. Re-Focus my energy on loving my family. When energy is limited, they are worth more of it than my troubles.
5. Guard my heart, stay in God’s Word.
6. Pray a lot!!!

And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.” Mark 11:25

May the Lord judge between me and you, may the Lord avenge me against you, but my hand shall not be against you. As the proverb of the ancients says, ‘Out of the wicked comes wickedness.’ But my hand shall not be against you. 1 Samuel 24:12-13

To speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people. Titus 3:2

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:32

For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. Matthew 6:14-15

Welcome, Baby Sister!

    The term, "Yours, Mine and Ours" has taken on a new meaning for our family. My husband has three beautiful teenage girls, I have a wonderful preteen son and two elementary aged ladies. Four and a half months ago, we welcomed OUR daughter to the family. There is a seven year gap between Baby Sister and the youngest of the other kids.

   Besides feeling like we are starting over as parents, we are learning the baby has had much more of an impact on our family than we had initially realized. We had many hesitations when deciding whether or not to expand our already large family. Could we afford it, can we give a new addition a good life, is there enough time to spread around, are we too old....?? The list went on.

   Despite our hesitations, we decided to have a baby. She has been a complete joy. She has such a calm personality and is mostly a happy baby (other than when she's hungry or tired).

  The biggest impact has been on the other kids. They have a common bond, something they all share. Their relationship with their sister is a shared experience and has brought them closer as a family.

   We will be learning as we all grow into our new family dynamic. I am eagerly anticipating the opportunities ahead...each situation a chance to learn and grow into a better person.

"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."  Philippians 4:13