Oceans

   Nothing can describe blended family life more than the ocean. In all it's majesty and power, there is nothing about the ocean that is constant. Researchers devote their lives trying to figure out the ocean's depths, the life undiscovered there and the reasons why it behaves the way it does. Each answer we find leads us to more unanswered questions. The ocean cannot be completely known, a mystery that is both mesmerizing and frightening at the same time.

   Blended family life often feels more like the storm brewing over troubled waters, a lurking danger. We feel helplessly attacked, sometimes by the ex or other outside influences and even more frequently, by our own unmet expectations and insecurities. Most days are somewhere between a gentle rain and a hurricane...the storms of life.

   Like the ocean, we are resilient. Even after the fiercest storm that threatens to tear us apart, we will still have moments of sunshine, peace and calm. We can close our eyes and breathe in all the good and perfectly imperfect blessings in our lives. We know, that even in the gentle, rolling waves; we are forever changed by the tide.

   Every wave molds us into something new...different but still spectacular. If you find yourself in a barrage of endless crashing waves, hold tight. You do not have to be capsized by the waves of blended family life, but be called above them by a God who loves you and wants good things for you and your family.

The Blame Game: It's Not My Fault

Something has really been bugging me. Not just in my own situation, but in many of the posts I read on the support pages in Facebook. It is always someone else's fault!

Taking responsibility for our actions and accepting their consequence is a true mark of maturity. We would hope and expect most adults to nurture this skills in life.

Unfortunately, in blended families, maturity is the exception and not the rule.

All blended families get caught up in "The Blame Game". We feel better about ourselves when it is someone else's fault. The sad reality is that we all fall into the trap at some point...the never-ending trap of showcasing someone else's faults while defending our own. And if we have any faults, it is only because the other person somehow put them there. We fool ourselves into thinking there is only one crazy participant and the other one is completely rational.

We're pretty sure who the crazy one is.

Maybe the crazy ones are all the people who participate in this blame game. We take turns blaming our exes and stepparents in a back and forth point match. Each person, always trying to get an upper hand. "Winning" is always temporary and the game just doesn't end. It reminds me of the old card game we played as kids called "War". Just when you think you won all the cards,
the opponent always ended up stealing an Ace during the flop. The game would sometimes last so long you'd get tired before anyone "won". Or like Monopoly. You have hotels built on all your properties. Your opponent is hanging on  with a few dollars. Then it happens. You land on Park Place, owned by the opponent, which is the only property he equipped with a hotel. They take back most of your money. Like the card game, Monopoly can go on for hours. Many times we lose interest before a winner is declared.

It's your fault I can't work and support my kids. 1 Point.
It's your fault our kids have emotional problems. 1 Point.
If you would step up and be a better mom, we wouldn't be having this issue. 1 Point.
Maybe your child would like you more if you weren't so controlling. 1 Point.
It's your fault my child doesn't want to see me. 1 Point.
My current marriage is struggling because of you. 1 Point.
I'd communicate more if you weren't so hateful. 1 Point.
I can't keep a job because of you. 1 Point.
I can't be involved in my kids' lives because of you. 1 Point.
You're putting so much stress on me, my health is getting worse. 1 Point.
You never cared about the kids, that's why they don't want you around. 1 Point.
I can't have a life anymore because of you. 1 Point.

At some point, a tie is better than winning. At some point, taking care of ourselves and stepping away from the game is necessary. At some point, we should get over ourselves.

There is never any good that comes out of blaming others, especially our exes. Blame is the fuel to the fire in the dysfunctional relationship with our child's other family. Children are always caught in the cross fires. The thing about games, it always takes TWO to play.

How do I not respond when the other parent is using something I am so passionate about (my kids) to attack me? Only respond if it is your children who are being attacked. An attack against you can only hurt your pride. Responding to defend your pride is a slippery slope. Pride will blind you to the damage you cause your children while playing the game. Responding to defend your pride will only result in more attacks.

Is defending your pride more important than protecting your kids from the game? Does attacking your ex for their shortcomings more important than using the same energy to build up your kids? Is playing the game more important than stopping the anger and frustration invading your heart and home?

Respond only when it is FOR the kids, not about the kids.
Respond only to state facts about the present. Past events are irrelevant.
Respond only when calm. If you're angry, keep your mouth shut.
Respond only to communicate logistics, not to showcase the other parent's shortcomings. Check your motive.
It's okay to NOT respond!

Let's encourage each other to bring MATURITY back into blended families. Let's protect our homes from the damage caused by the blame game. Let's step up to be better parents, looking for ways to spend our energy building our families.

"For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?" Matthew 7:2-3

Think Twice Before Interfering with Your Child's Relationship with their Other Parent

Children thrive on relationships. Their ability to see a person's best qualities and be almost blind to their faults is something truly special. This openness in relationship allows children to experience the fullness of what people have to offer, without fear. The world is good. Somewhere along the way, we learn people are flawed and the world doesn't always do what's right. 

Parents in custody disputes are often very knowledgeable about the other parent's flaws. In many cases, each flaw is exaggerated and used against the other parent. Protecting a child from another parent's flaws becomes a need, much like breathing. 

In the name of "protection", parents act as self-appointed judge and jury. They interfere in all aspects of the other, imperfect parent's ability to build a relationship with their child...judging every action and handing out punishments for any perceived offense. Sometimes the interference is unintentional, but in most cases it's intentionally manipulative. These parents seek to "win" their child or "justify" themselves at the expense of the other, lifting themselves higher. Children are  exposed to negative talk about the other parent,  told about adult disagreements/situations, discouraged/not allowed to visit, have monitored communication or schooled on reasons the other parent is not a good person.

You may say I don't understand. Your situation is different. The other parent hurts your child's feelings. They don't know how to be a good parent. The child doesn't like going to the other parent's house. You need to understand a few things. 

1) At some point, you have (or will) hurt your child's feelings. It happens in every parent-child relationship. It doesn't deserve your removal from the child any more than the other parent. 

2) Being a parent doesn't come with a manual and you will make mistakes. We all miss the mark. There is no such thing as a perfect parent. Again, if you mess up you don't deserve to lose access to your child so why would you crucify the other parent for their mistakes?

3)  Children's emotions are fragile and changing, and shouldn't drive major life decisions. Your child may not like their teacher at school but it doesn't mean you stop sending them. The benefits of an education are more important than their temporary discomfort.  Likewise, the benefit of the relationship with both parents is more important than their temporary discomfort. When the pendulum swings and it's your home they don't like (it will happen), you don't deserve to lose access to your child.

If you ever discuss the other parent in a negative way or otherwise interfere with the child's relationship with the other parent...STOP! You may be right in everything you say, but is YOUR need to be right more important to you than your CHILD'S future?

When you interfere,  you are acting as if your short term victory is more important than your child's long term defeat!

DEFEAT? Absolutely. Your child loses...EVERY time. Let's pretend for a moment there are not mountains of studies of the negative effects on children who were estranged from one of their parents. Poor coping, depression,  relationship issues in adulthood,  low self-esteem, at risk behavior like sex and drug use, teen pregnancy, suicide...do I have your attention yet? There's more.

In addition to increasing your child's risk for things mentioned above, there is MORE damage you do when interfering in your child's relationship with the other parent. Including:

1. You steal their innocence. 

You rob them of experiencing the good in people. Their love is restrained and guarded when it should be open and free. It is not your job to expose the other parent's flaws to your child. The other parent may truly be a liar, have poor parenting skills, be a deadbeat or whatever else. If these are true character flaws, your child will learn them on their own...without your help. Encourage them to love others, especially a parent, despite their flaws. After all, you want them to love you with the same consideration. 

2. You shatter their support system. 

Despite how you feel about the other parent, they bring more than their flaws to the table. They themselves are support for the child, and so are other family members and friends. You don't just remove one person from the child's life, you remove everyone. The weaker the child's overall support systems, the higher risk for long term struggle. These connections are important in teaching the child things you. They also offer love and support. When these people are gone, such as a death in the family, the child will never be able to get that relationship back. You forever robbed them of the good things these people had to offer.

3. You steal their membership.

Birthdays, holidays,  anniversaries, family reunions, vacations, grandparent visits, play dates with cousins...all these events are either tainted or not accessible to the child. They feel they no longer belong, they're not important...it's tragic to take this away to prove you're right.

4. You steal special moments...their childhood. 

You may feel every moment at the other parent's home is torture on your child...and you'd be wrong. You only get a small glimpse of your child's life at the other home. If you are pumping your child for all the negative events and information at the other house, that's all you get. Kids will tell you what they think you want to hear. If you make a big deal about every perceived mistreatment and downplay or disregard the good things...the child will stop telling you the good. They get more affectionate responses when you go into protective mode. 

Every home, including yours, has good and bad moments for your child. In the good moments, memories are being made. Family boards games, playing with siblings, overnight visits with grandparents,  making cookies, learning knock knock jokes...memories. Interfering with the other parent's access blocks these opportunities.

My Challenge to You:

• Learn to separate your own selfish motives (or fears) from the needs of your children. Children NEED to be loved and accepted by both parents and the support systems they bring with them.
• Set aside the unrealistic expectations of the other parent to be always perfect. Show grace and be supportive because someday, you may need grace and support in return.
• Actively encourage your children to love and participate with the other parent despite your own, and sometimes the child's, short term discomfort.
• Allow your child to develop a relationship with the other parent on their own, without interference. Their relationship may be rocky, but it will be theirs.

Disclaimer: This information is not intended to apply to true abusive situations. There are true cases of abuse and this blog, in no way, minimizes the suffering in those situations. There is a big difference in having flaws and being abusive. However, any attempt to distort a loving parent's flaw into false allegations of abuse, maliciously limiting access to a child, is unethical. These parents should lose custody because they have become the abuser.