Taking responsibility for our actions and accepting their consequence is a true mark of maturity. We would hope and expect most adults to nurture this skills in life.
Unfortunately, in blended families, maturity is the exception and not the rule.
All blended families get caught up in "The Blame Game". We feel better about ourselves when it is someone else's fault. The sad reality is that we all fall into the trap at some point...the never-ending trap of showcasing someone else's faults while defending our own. And if we have any faults, it is only because the other person somehow put them there. We fool ourselves into thinking there is only one crazy participant and the other one is completely rational.
We're pretty sure who the crazy one is.
Maybe the crazy ones are all the people who participate in this blame game. We take turns blaming our exes and stepparents in a back and forth point match. Each person, always trying to get an upper hand. "Winning" is always temporary and the game just doesn't end. It reminds me of the old card game we played as kids called "War". Just when you think you won all the cards,
the opponent always ended up stealing an Ace during the flop. The game would sometimes last so long you'd get tired before anyone "won". Or like Monopoly. You have hotels built on all your properties. Your opponent is hanging on with a few dollars. Then it happens. You land on Park Place, owned by the opponent, which is the only property he equipped with a hotel. They take back most of your money. Like the card game, Monopoly can go on for hours. Many times we lose interest before a winner is declared.
It's your fault I can't work and support my kids. 1 Point.
It's your fault our kids have emotional problems. 1 Point.
If you would step up and be a better mom, we wouldn't be having this issue. 1 Point.
Maybe your child would like you more if you weren't so controlling. 1 Point.
It's your fault my child doesn't want to see me. 1 Point.
My current marriage is struggling because of you. 1 Point.
I'd communicate more if you weren't so hateful. 1 Point.
I can't keep a job because of you. 1 Point.
I can't be involved in my kids' lives because of you. 1 Point.
You're putting so much stress on me, my health is getting worse. 1 Point.
You never cared about the kids, that's why they don't want you around. 1 Point.
I can't have a life anymore because of you. 1 Point.
At some point, a tie is better than winning. At some point, taking care of ourselves and stepping away from the game is necessary. At some point, we should get over ourselves.
There is never any good that comes out of blaming others, especially our exes. Blame is the fuel to the fire in the dysfunctional relationship with our child's other family. Children are always caught in the cross fires. The thing about games, it always takes TWO to play.
How do I not respond when the other parent is using something I am so passionate about (my kids) to attack me? Only respond if it is your children who are being attacked. An attack against you can only hurt your pride. Responding to defend your pride is a slippery slope. Pride will blind you to the damage you cause your children while playing the game. Responding to defend your pride will only result in more attacks.
Is defending your pride more important than protecting your kids from the game? Does attacking your ex for their shortcomings more important than using the same energy to build up your kids? Is playing the game more important than stopping the anger and frustration invading your heart and home?
Respond only when it is FOR the kids, not about the kids.
Respond only to state facts about the present. Past events are irrelevant.
Respond only when calm. If you're angry, keep your mouth shut.
Respond only to communicate logistics, not to showcase the other parent's shortcomings. Check your motive.
It's okay to NOT respond!
Let's encourage each other to bring MATURITY back into blended families. Let's protect our homes from the damage caused by the blame game. Let's step up to be better parents, looking for ways to spend our energy building our families.
"For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?" Matthew 7:2-3
