In blended families with joint custody arrangements, our kids live double lives. Separate houses, separate rules and separate family. These two living arrangements are almost completely independent....almost. We want our children to feel a sense of belonging or contentedness with our home even when they aren't here.
Unfortunately, the kids are more disconnected than we'd like. During their time away, it is like their life at our home is put on pause. There are no calls for a step-sister's birthday, grandparents day or to check in on a sick family member. Phone visitation serves as a quick check in, but you may as well be thousands of miles away. The kids are often distant or reluctant to have meaningful discussion as a result of normal age behavior, lack of support for mutual relationships by the ex....or both. Regardless of why, it is still sad to see a kid upset because their sister didn't call on their birthday or some other event.
When the kids do come home for their scheduled time, the first few hours spent is "Catching up" on everything that happened while they were gone, but these catch up times are less meaningful. It is more like reading a newspaper, outlining events.
How do we instill a sense of belonging and responsibility that carries between two homes? How can we teach a teenager that it is still the right thing to do to call their dad and tell him happy birthday, even if it falls on a day they are not there? How do we teach them that it is still a nice act of kindness to make your sibling a card if they don't feel well, even if you won't see them for a few days.
As a parent, I can do a better job of giving the reminders before events. I can tell my kids what may be coming up while they are gone and set an expectation for them to respond. If they don't follow through, it should be okay to tell them feelings were hurt because they were silent. In real life, relationships don't go on hold. Kids should be taught that relationships work two ways. Kindness and consideration are not just things we receive, but that we give back..even in blended families. For example, the expectation is there for me to buy the kids birthday or Christmas gifts, even if it falls on a day they are not here. So why should I not set the expectation they should reciprocate the relationship, especially with their family....siblings and grandparents.
Just because a family member is not present that day, doesn't mean they don't matter.
These situations are teachable moments. We like to make excuses for our kids by saying, 'Well, they're not here so we can't expect them to remember." or "They'll just do something when they get back.". These may be true, but am I teaching them life skills? Most times when they get home, they have forgotten about the birthday, grandparent's day or whatever else happened...and so have I. The opportunity to show other family members respect and appreciation by celebrating with them or being empathetic in hard times is gone.
I want our children to be good at relationships. That starts by me being a better teacher. I will be more encouraging of all their relationships and examine areas where we expect separation. I will work to set an expectation that family is a system of support at all times. I will teach that when it is our turn to give back, we need to step up...find a way if we need to. Blended families have to be creative and find ways to work around the obstacles of schedules, but it is doable.
No more free passes for one-sided relationships. We can't get rid of the double lives but I am willing to help build bridges between the two lives and find better and creative ways to teach my children about meaningful relationships.
