Self-Care...A Mother's Delimma

It's been a few weeks since my last blog post. There are quite a few changes coming in our household, which I'll blog about later. In this time of chaos, crossroads and major decision-making, I have been repeatedly confronted with the words "Self-Care".

Self-Care, in theory, seems like a straight forward concept. Take care of yourself, you can't give from an empty place, you deserve to give to yourself time, and so on. There is research on the benefits of Self-Care and the consequences of the lack of. However, for most moms, this concept carries a level of complexity with mixed thoughts and emotions.

Don't get me wrong, every mom would love long baths, quiet time for reading a favorite book, shopping for themselves, going to the gym or any other activities they enjoy. In order for a mom to practice self-care, it requires three things; Time, Energy and Resources. Without all three of these things lining up, self-care is impossible.

Sometimes, we have the time and resources, but no energy. Without that vital component, attempts at self-care can backfire. Even worse, we have the resources and the energy but no time!

The longer I am on this blended family journey, the more I am realizing the importance of taking care of myself. Unfortunately, time, energy and resources are only available in limited quantities. We only have 24 hours in a day, we only have so much resources and energy....well, enough said. And if that obstacle wasn't big enough, there's guilt.Because there are limited quantities, in order for mom to practice self-care, those commodities have to be taken from somewhere else...kids, husband, friends, or other organized activities like church.

There's the dilemma...In order for me to take care of myself, someone else has to go without. When I finally get some time, energy and resources set aside for myself, I feel guilty of what I am not doing for others. The money I spend on my nails or a new outfit can go towards clothes for the kids. The time I spend volunteering could be spent with family and friends. The energy I spend at the gym could be spent in quality time with my husband.

Most times, I choose to forego self-care so I don't feel guilty or selfish. So I can feel like a nurturer, a provider, a mother. Sacrifice seems like a small price to pay for the feeling that I am doing my job.

But sacrifice isn't a small price to pay...it's a big one, bigger than I realized. All of those little sacrifices of time, energy and resources diverted from self-care add up in a big way. Feelings of accomplishment begin to get replaced with feelings of being overwhelmed. Other feelings like anxiousness, feeling unappreciated,  and irritability become frequent visitors. When schedule changes are made by the ex, or the kids get wrapped up in adult disagreements between homes, we become a little less patient...a little less forgiving. We begin to displace our frustrations on situations and people...to the point we have nothing positive to add. Then we feel guilty...guilty for not having more fun, for not making happy memories, for not being able to give the best of ourselves to our spouses or kids. Not to mention the physical aspects of the lack of self-care. Ugh...the dilemma.

So when you hear about the importance of taking care of yourself...really hear it. Let it serve as a reminder. Check in on yourself frequently. If I need those lessons with my favorite gym instructor, I need to prioritize that. If I need a long, hot bath, I need to make it happen. If I need to replace some clothing, I should. Even typing this, it feels selfish....saying it out loud feels even more selfish. BUT I am working on changing my thoughts and feelings.

I'm realizing I'd rather feel guilty for taking time for myself so I can be in a better place, than feel guilty for being irritable, anxious, impatient and unforgiving. God will help me find a good balance between self-care and care for others. It is no longer an option to cut out self-care.

Do you not know that you are God's temple and that God's Spirit dwells in you? 
1 Corinthians 3:16

Building Bridges between Double Lives

We've heard stories in the news from time to time of someone, usually a man, having two separate families, in two different towns, complete with a separate wives and children. Neither family is aware of the other's existence and the man lives each life completely separate from the other. When he finally gets caught, people wonder, 'How did the wives not know?' or "Why did it take so long for him to get caught?'.

In blended families with joint custody arrangements, our kids live double lives. Separate houses, separate rules and separate family. These two living arrangements are almost completely independent....almost. We want our children to feel a sense of belonging or contentedness with our home even when they aren't here.

Unfortunately, the kids are more disconnected than we'd like. During their time away, it is like their life at our home is put on pause. There are no calls for a step-sister's birthday, grandparents day or to check in on a sick family member. Phone visitation serves as a quick check in, but you may as well be thousands of miles away. The kids are often distant or reluctant to have meaningful discussion as a result of normal age behavior, lack of support for mutual relationships by the ex....or both. Regardless of why, it is still sad to see a kid upset because their sister didn't call on their birthday or some other event.

When the kids do come home for their scheduled time, the first few hours spent is "Catching up" on everything that happened while they were gone, but these catch up times are less meaningful. It is more like reading a newspaper, outlining events.

How do we instill a sense of belonging and responsibility that carries between two homes? How can we teach a teenager that it is still the right thing to do to call their dad and tell him happy birthday, even if it falls on a day they are not there? How do we teach them that it is still a nice act of kindness to make your sibling a card if they don't feel well, even if you won't see them for a few days.

As a parent, I can do a better job of giving the reminders before events. I can tell my kids what may be coming up while they are gone and set an expectation for them to respond. If they don't follow through, it should be okay to tell them feelings were hurt because they were silent. In real life, relationships don't go on hold. Kids should be taught that relationships work two ways. Kindness and consideration are not just things we receive, but that we give back..even in blended families. For example, the expectation is there for me to buy the kids birthday or Christmas gifts, even if it falls on a day they are not here. So why should I not set the expectation they should reciprocate the relationship, especially with their family....siblings and grandparents.

Just because a family member is not present that day, doesn't mean they don't matter.

These situations are teachable moments. We like to make excuses for our kids by saying, 'Well, they're not here so we can't expect them to remember." or "They'll just do something when they get back.". These may be true, but am I teaching them life skills? Most times when they get home, they have forgotten about the birthday, grandparent's day or whatever else happened...and so have I. The opportunity to show other family members respect and appreciation by celebrating with them or being empathetic in hard times is gone.

I want our children to be good at relationships. That starts by me being a better teacher. I will be more encouraging of all their relationships and examine areas where we expect separation. I will work to set an expectation that family is a system of support at all times. I will teach that when it is our turn to give back, we need to step up...find a way if we need to. Blended families have to be creative and find ways to work around the obstacles of schedules, but it is doable.

No more free passes for one-sided relationships. We can't get rid of the double lives but I am willing to help build bridges between the two lives and find better and creative ways to teach my children about meaningful relationships.

If You Don't Have Anything Nice to Say...

...Type it up in a status on Facebook! Okay, not really. We truly know nothing good ever comes from posting negativity on social media. The temptation to get some relief of overflowing frustration by fundraising sympathy from others can be enticing but only offers temporary relief. There will always be more situations to complain about. The frustration may even be justified so it is easy to become a broadcaster of all things negative, eventually becoming the avoided contact both virtually and in person.

Here's the reality.

No one cares to hear about all my problems...especially in their news feeds.

No one likes to be around negative people who drain their energy...and energy is a precious commodity these days and should be used wisely.

Everyone has problems and speaking negative things over my situations only causes more stress.

I am working on being better about speaking positive things into my life. The ex may be causing more drama than a reality show, the kids may act out and schedules may be blowing up like an atomic bomb BUT there will always be something good I can say. 

My perceptions guide my thoughts, my thoughts guide my words and my words guide my actions. If my perception is negative, it effects everything else, like falling dominoes.

This week, I am choosing to re-focus on the good things...pay more attention to the words coming out of my mouth...and protect my perceptions from negativity that can take root in my heart like a weed in a garden. I'm not waiting for the situation to change, I am praying for positive perceptions. Regardless how I feel, I will be more mindful of what I say...speak good things.

"Words satisfy the mind as much as fruit does the stomach; good talk is as gratifying as a good harvest. Words kill, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit—you choose."Proverbs 18:20-21

Credit....The Elephant in the Room

Divorce takes a hit on everything, especially our finances. Even after years have passed, our credit can still be a shadow reflecting your past. It is easy to get caught up in the numbers and feel labeled...judged. We hear (or see) the words "poor credit", like a flashing neon light, and feel everyone else can see it to. Like a bad reputation, it takes a long time to repair.

So, there are two, seemingly  acceptable, options. Face it or Ignore it.

Common sense would say facing the issue would be more productive and better yet, more responsible. However, many of us choose the latter option, to IGNORE.
Nothing hurts worse than being labeled by a number, a number that says you are not worthy of trust. Our credit becomes the elephant in the room. The forbidden number. We avoid any attempt or situation that would result in "running our credit". Denial sets in and we subconsciously convince ourselves it isn't that important, it isn't that bad or there's not anything we can do about it.
Like any problem, if we don't face it, we can't make it better. Like a re-run, a cliche' or whatever else you want to call it. There is no magic solution, no formula, no quick fix. Like everything after a divorce, it takes time to repair....to restore...our hope, our self-esteem, even our finances.

And most of all...We can't invite God into the process if there is NO process!

A few years ago, I decided to take on the credit elephant. It has been a slow...slow....slow....process. The worst part was getting started and facing the reality of where I was. Believe me, it was not pretty. I committed myself to the process regardless of what the number said about me. I asked God for wisdom and favor. Over the past few years, my score has increased over 100 points!!! I am not where I want to be but I am further than I was yesterday. My confidence has grown, knowing it is something I can tackle, with God's help. I have the faith I will get there.

Here are a few things I've done to help along the way.

1. Invite God into the process FIRST!
2. Plug up the bucket! If there are holes in your finances (uncontrolled spending, overextending, poor budgeting), nothing you could ever do will fix the issue with credit. Budget, budget, budget.
3. Rip off the band-aid. Find out where you are. Run a free credit report. You get 1 free every year.
4. Learn what you can. I sought materials from Dave Ramsey and Clark Howard. There are lots of free stuff online by these two as well as books and workbooks.
5. Monitor your progress. I use two free apps, Credit Karma and Credit Sesame. I can see on a weekly and monthly basis where I am, I get alerts and I can see what raises and lowers my scores.
6. Find ways to GIVE! Give back with your finances and time. It will come back to you.
7. Stay Committed. Don't give up and know it CAN get better!

Proverbs 27:23

"Be diligent to know the state of your flocks, and attend to your herds."

Proverbs 21:5

"The plans of the diligent lead surely to plenty, but those of everyone who is hasty, surely to poverty."

Psalm 20:4

"May He give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed."

Proverbs 1:5

"A wise man will hear and increase learning, and a man of understanding will attain wise counsel."

The "Not Fair" Trap

People, in general, have a tendency to expect things to be “fair”. We learn early on that fair = right, unfair = wrong. I wish things were so simple. Fairness is extremely subjective, what seems fair to one person may seem unfair to another.

“She was invited for a play date and I wasn't!”

“He got a bigger piece than I did!”

“You bought her new shoes and not me!”

In a normal parenting environment, this is extremely frustrating. In a blended family, it is enough to start World War III! When the kids are at the other parent’s home, they expect life to stand still at our home. No one should do anything or receive anything that may be considered “fun”, “exciting” or simply different from normal routine.

Here’s our scenario:

• We have 3 kids full time
• We have 1 kid half time
• We are supposed to get the other 3 a little less than half time but often don’t get the minimum visitation.

The kids that are home full time get to go to the family parties (birthdays, anniversaries), church events or shopping outings that happen to fall during time we don’t have the others. They also “need” more things at our home like clothes, shoes, supplies, etc. They also experience more down time when there isn't anything planned like soccer games.

Regardless of the living arrangements or circumstances, when everyone is home, it is like each kid takes a personal inventory of what the others got while they were gone. They get disappointed of the perceived “extra” stuff the others got to do when they weren't home. We then hear:

“You spend more time with them than me.”

“We don’t go there when I’m over there.”

“I don’t get extra clothes.”

“They get to do xyz and I don’t.”

“It’s not fair”

We fell into the “It’s not fair” trap and tried putting life on hold and not accepting activities that might make the other kids feel bad. What we find is that they were doing fun and exciting stuff at the other parent’s house while we were expected to wait for them. We quickly learned that “fair” and “unfair” rarely applies to blended family parenting.

We now say, “It’s not fair. It’s not unfair. It’s just different.”

We should always encourage the kids to take “fair” and “unfair” out of their vocabulary in this situation. If you let a child think these situations are “unfair”, they feel they were “wronged”. They begin to focus on the other siblings and what they “get” and it becomes a crusade to make things equal, fair and just. You find yourself defending why you bought the child new shoes because they grew out of their old ones or why you allowed one to go to a birthday party they were invited to. 

No one was wronged. It is not unfair. In reality; it is just a different situation.

It doesn't help we have ex-spouses encouraging the fair/unfair mentality by saying, “They always do things with the other kids and not you.” Or if one child gets a gift from a birthday party, the other parent goes out and buys the child who didn't get something to make it “fair”.

Regardless of the other parents’ style of dealing with this situation, our message stays clear.

 “If you want to be treated as an individual, you will not always receive what someone else gets and they won’t always receive what you get. If you want to be treated the same, we can punish you when they get in trouble, buy everyone the exact same clothes and shoes, put everyone to bed at the same time, not allow you to go to parties unless everyone is invited because it wouldn't be ‘fair’ based on your definition. You can’t pick and choose what is ‘fair’ when you want to benefit something, sometimes things are just different.”

Step-mom Problems (funny)

There is not a lot of humor about being in a blended family. I tried to locate some funny sayings using a web search tool but found very little. This did not surprise me as a sense of humor was likely forfeited somewhere in the divorce decree. Along the way, between court dates and poor communication, we forget to laugh….at ourselves or at the situation.

I have made a frail attempt to come up with my own funny sayings about being a step-mom, you will see below. At least I made myself chuckle and hope it will do the same for you.

Enjoy!

Courts and Custody - Advocates or Enablers?

I’m going to go out on a limb here by saying MOST blended families find themselves in court navigating custody proceedings with their exes.

(I’m trying to steer clear of the phrase “Custody Battle” because anytime we “Battle” with the other parent, the kids will lose.)

We often go into the court process hopeful. If you have never had dealings with court systems before, you see the court through rose-colored glasses. You anticipate they will set things right, each party will be held accountable for their behaviors and you will FINALLY get some resolve.

Unfortunately, many of us find ourselves in long, drawn out proceedings lasting for several years. Behaviors that are forbidden by court orders go unpunished and accountability for either parent is almost non-existent. The best interest of the kids is often overlooked or “passed” for another court date. Resolution becomes a seemingly distant and unattainable goal. If there was ever tension between you and your ex before, this long and drawn out process magnifies it, causing more problems than what had existed before.

Often, we feel we are the only ones with urgency and our hearts break as we see the impacts on our kids of living in this situation, like a dark cloud over the family. Judges, attorneys and other court appointed participants downplay any importance in the case and remind us that since there is no drug abuse, physical abuse or kidnapping it is not as deserving of their time and attention. In reality, a lot of abuse comes in more subtle ways through manipulation, fear and anger. Courts become enablers allowing knowingly harmful behaviors to continue for long periods, with no accountability. Ultimately, the court’s authority becomes powerless as one party or the other uses the system to their advantage under the watchful eye of the court system that allows it.

So now that I painted this dark and gloomy picture of one of the most stressful and frustrating situations of being in a blended family, I want to insert a bright ray of light.

God sees the situation. God will make things right.

God has authority. God can restore.

In Romans 8:28, we are encouraged that God will make things right. He can take a man made mess and turn it into something good.

“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them.” Romans 8:28

So for this season, we can re-focus our attention to God

and away from the court system.

Courts will not solve the problem. Courts are not the best advocates for our kids and our families. Courts will disappoint.

God will solve the custody problems. God is the best advocate

for our kids and our families. God will never fail.