The "F" Word - Forgiveness!

In many blended families, custody battles and unresolved hurts lead to bitterness and unforgiveness of your ex spouse, a step-parent or others you felt wronged you and your children. Sometimes, the legal system and society reinforce the notion you were wronged and we use it as justification to remain offended.

Unfortunately, we all know unforgiveness hurts us more than the person we harbor bitterness against. Have you heard that bitterness/unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. It’s true.

The true consequence of unforgiveness is the stolen joy and peace from our own life. The longer we hold on to the offense, the more we torture our family and ourselves.

We are facing a crossroad in our situation. We are fed up with our peace and joy being affected by the ex or the ex’s new partner. An attack from the ex over something small can ruin our joy for days. Our peace dissipates as we ponder what actions need to be taken as well as rehashing past situations where the ex was “in the wrong”.

I’m learning that I don’t need to forgive the other person because they deserve it, but because I deserve it…the peace and joy of not holing on to those offenses. God forgives me when I don’t deserve it and I know I blow it and need that mercy.

It’s easier said than done! Believe me, I think I have tried to forgive a hundred times last month. With ongoing attack, the offense comes back and I find myself knee deep in bitterness once again.

So, I am drawing a line in the sand. I want peace. I want joy. Not sometimes, but always.

Here is what I am doing to help combat the bitterness that keeps knocking on the door of my heart.

1. I choose forgiveness, deserved or not.
2. Remember the offender is just as much a creation of God as I am, my bitterness towards them is bitterness towards God.
3. When an attack comes, give it to God…right away. Not after I have stewed over it a few days.
4. Re-Focus my energy on loving my family. When energy is limited, they are worth more of it than my troubles.
5. Guard my heart, stay in God’s Word.
6. Pray a lot!!!

And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.” Mark 11:25

May the Lord judge between me and you, may the Lord avenge me against you, but my hand shall not be against you. As the proverb of the ancients says, ‘Out of the wicked comes wickedness.’ But my hand shall not be against you. 1 Samuel 24:12-13

To speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people. Titus 3:2

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:32

For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. Matthew 6:14-15

Life Under a Microscope - Paparazzi and Tabloids

    Living in a blended family can feel like you are a celebrity being stalked by the paparazzi and being showcased in the tabloids. Everything you do as a parent is being monitored and misinterpreted everyday. There is this notion that just because you are a divorced parent, you no longer have your child’s best interest at heart. Every action you take is considered harmful, unnecessary or inappropriate by the other parent and their family. Even nuclear families miss the mark from time to time, but in blended families, a mistake can be very costly and cause a whole lot more issues than ever necessary.

• You child falls off the trampoline – you are accused of neglect
• You take your child’s phone away for being disrespectful – you are accused of emotional abuse and disrespect of their feelings
• You encourage future planning for college – you are accused of implying the other parent is a drain on society
• Your child gets upset with you over something trivial – You are told your child never wants to see you again
• Insert your situation here….

    Sometimes, these accusations from the other parent are more subtle and other times they are relentless. There are also brief periods of calm and quiet from the other side and other time it seems the assaults won’t stop. I am continually dumbfounded by the accusations that are made by my ex and my husband’s ex. Some accusations are so absurd and I wonder what the hidden agendas are. There HAS to be a reason for someone to want to stir up so much drama and live at odds with someone for a long period of time. Paparazzi and tabloids are motivated by money. Misrepresenting a story is all about turning a profit without regard for the families they portray. So what is the motivation for blended families to continue to accuse and misrepresent situations; control, image, and getting a hand up in court at the expense of the kids???

   We have all participated in the game. Even I have intentionally provided information to the other parent in a way I knew they would get wound up, just to mess with them…did I just admit that out loud?? Let’s be real.

   The only reason the paparazzi and the tabloids continue to exist is because there are people on the other side that buy into the story and support their actions monetarily. When we, as a blended family, stop buying into the drama that comes with the territory, things can go a lot smoother. Will the other side stop watching your every move and reporting your errors on social media sites? Likely not. Will the other side see that you only have the best intentions for your kids? Not a chance. Will the other side stop manipulating situations to their benefit or to get that piece of information over you? Probably not.

BUT

   We can CHOOSE to live a life of integrity regardless of what the other parent feels or says about you. Just because it is printed in the tabloids doesn't mean it is true. It doesn't mean you have to offer a rebuttal for every accusation. Most importantly, you don’t have to let the other parent make you feel inferior or question the value of the role you have in your children’s lives.

   

Focus on the good, focus on your family and put your trust in God. We don’t have to always look over our shoulder anticipating the next attack. I strongly believe satan uses our specific situation to break us down, to destroy the single biggest threat to his existence…a strong Godly family. We are stronger together and he knows it.

   Just because our first, or second, marriages fail…doesn't mean God doesn't have a good plan for our lives. Focus on moving forward, not on the attacks from the other parent. God says we don’t have to live on the defense, we live on the offense…knowing he will fight our battles for us and we have the victory!!!!

“Put on all of God's armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. For we [fn] are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places. Therefore, put on every piece of God's armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm.”

Ephesians 6:11-13

“The LORD says, "I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name. When they call on me, I will answer; I will be with them in trouble. I will rescue and honor them.” Psalms 91: 14-15

Thankful for Successful Vacations

   Well, it's been a few weeks since I've blogged. We have successfully completed another family vacation. And by successfully, I mean we came home home with all of our children...unharmed...physically. It is always nice to get away from "Normal", turn your world upside down and try hard to make the best memories you can.

Our vacation went something like this:

12	people on a road trip
60	hours in a car
12	days of vacation in NC
3	hotel stays
2	days at Washington DC
2	days at a beach
15	people staying in one house
1	sleepless baby
37	questions of "Are we there?"
281	"I'm hungry"
25	miles of sightseeing
26	energy drinks
13	"If you don’t behave, I'm gonna…"
0	Lost children

  There were times we were sooo exhausted, physically and mentally. We wondered if the kids truly appreciated the sacrifices we made to give them the experience. We wondered if it was all worth it...

The answer is a thousand times, YES!

   We got to see the look on our kids' faces when they got to play in the Atlantic Ocean for the first time, their excitement at trying to find that next seashell. They visited our nation's capitol and were awed by the creatures displayed in the museum and the size of the Washington and Lincoln monuments. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, parents and kids all got to experience these sights, each for the first time, together. There will never be another first time for them and we got to give that to them. The memories, the laughs, the frustrations...all of it.

   After coordinating schedules with the exes, daily calls to check in, and communicating locations added to all of the other work to make this happen, the trip was worth it. One family, experiencing the "firsts" of life, together.

For those 12 days, we were 1 unit. Not yours, not mine, not ours...but "all of us". At home, we only see glimpses of "all of us". Vacation gave us time away from the blended chaos, away from the back and forth between parents. And for 12 days, there was some peace...not peace as in quiet or lack of frustration, but a peace only a blended family would understand. For those 12 days, the focus was away from the drama, frustration and confusion that is the unfortunate staple of a blended family. Family became the focus.

  So, if you are considering a vacation, wondering if you can coordinate schedules or if it would even be worth the hassle....the answer is YES. It won't be perfect, but you won't regret it.

Life is Like Garage Sales and Road Trips

    On the surface, Garage Sales and Road Trips do not have a lot in common other than the potential for complete chaos! Many people would rather have a root canal than participate in either of these activities. Other people are just crazy!

    Me, I’m on the crazy side…if you wouldn’t have guessed. I’m a planner and both activities require a lot of planning! Going into the process I am hopeful. I’m organizing for the sale, researching hotels, mapping out the best routes, re-arranging visitation schedules and even creating an itinerary. And that’s how I usually start large projects…with wide eyes, rose-colored glasses and a creepy smile as I explore all of the possibilities!

    My “To Do” list for the next 10 days include both a garage sale and a big road trip with the family. As I think through all the planning and organizing needed, reality sets in and it is easy to feel overwhelmed at all the work. There is a potential, that despite all the effort I put into the process, something could go wrong. Time slips away faster and faster. And what’s worse, so does my energy. Red Bull no longer gives me wings and I wonder if I could pull it off.

    In some of my past experiences, it was so easy for me to get caught up in preparations (to prevent any potential obstacle before it happens) and not enjoy the process. I start out with all the hope and excitement of a kid with a new puppy that realizes cleaning up messes is not pleasant. By the time we would pull out of the driveway to begin our trip, I’d be on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I would almost wait for a bad look or slight hint of an attitude from my husband or one of the kids so I could feel justified for being in a bad mood. The result was that it’s no fun for anyone. I’d have to step back periodically and remind myself that although these processes can be overwhelming, the payoff can be something amazing.

    This process also reminds me of being a parent and life in general. It takes a lot of planning and effort. There are obstacles along the way. We may get overwhelmed with all the preparation at times. But our ultimate goal is to know that we did something good and to see the results of all of our hard work. We expect a good outcome for our kids and we want good memories for them and for us. We love being parents, we love our family and we expect good things.

So in my preparations this week, I’m going to choose to:

• Focus on the outcome.
• RELAX.
• Anticipate something great to happen for our family.
• Minimize the frustration over any obstacles.
• Enjoy creating memories

Road Trip…36 hours and 22 minutes (minimum) in a van, filled to capacity…4 teenagers, 2 young kids and a baby. Please PRAY for us!

Divorce is NOT an Excuse!

Divorce is a failure. There is no way around it. We can reason with ourselves that it was something less to make us feel better but the reality is the marriage failed. We became a statistic, despite all of our best intentions going into it. Because of the chaos that ensues after a divorce, we immediately start making excuses for how and why things went south. We may behave in ways that are childish and selfish, and justify our actions by the hurt. As long as we embrace the excuses that help to shield us from hurt and rejection, the longer we are held back from enjoying a life of promise, given to us by God.

Divorce is tragic. But, there is something so much more tragic than divorce…making divorce an excuse for your present and future.

When you allow the promises of God for your life to be overshadowed by your temporary failures…that is the true tragedy.

When we learn to rely on God, instead of using divorce as our excuse, we find freedom. Freedom from pain, freedom from condemnation, freedom from fear…

God Forgives, God restores, God Loves

Here are some Divorce Excuses and what God’s Word has to say…

The Divorce Excuse	God Says…
Divorce is not an excuse to pull away from God.	“Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.” James 1:12
Divorce is not an excuse to label yourself as a failure.	“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” 2 Corinthians 5:17
Divorce is not an excuse to treat people poorly…even your ex.	“Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” Romans 12:17-18
Divorce is not an excuse to live in poverty.	“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the Lord, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile.” Jeremiah 19:11-14
Divorce is not an excuse to have no dreams or plans for your future.	“There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off. Listen, my son, and be wise, and set your heart on the right path” Proverbs 23:18-19
Divorce is not an excuse to justify “wrong” actions as “right”.	“If you are wise and understand God's ways, prove it by living an honorable life, doing good works with the humility that comes from wisdom.” James 3:13
Divorce is not an excuse to be depressed.	“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. A righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all.” Psalm 34:18-19

Then There Were Two (Times of Quiet)



Our house is busy most times. With 7 kids, family and friends, there is never a dull moment. Even when the kids are not home, we are planning their events, running errands for them, going to soccer games, doing their laundry and otherwise preparing for their return. There are times we find ourselves wishing for “quiet” moments.

As usual, this past week was full. We had all of the kids, a doctor’s appointment, 4^th of July, a birthday party and helping someone move. Last week was our “normal”.

This week is NOT “normal”. My husband and son are away at camp, 2 of our daughters are on a trip with their father and our other 3 daughters are with their mother. Then there were two….me and the baby. For the first time, in a long time, I am home without the hustle and bustle of our big family. I don’t have a long To Do list and everything that NEEDS to get done, I could get done in a day.

My first thought…Woohoo! I can use the restroom without interruption!! I can clean without a mess following me! I just might be able to read a book for fun….you know, everything a mom hopes for when she gets time to herself!

Then it hit me. I already miss my husband. My mind is racing about where each of the kids are. Are they safe? Are they having fun? The quiet, empty house is as awkward as socks with sandals. I have this perpetual feeling like I am forgetting something…which we know is not a settling feeling because 9 times out of 10, you truly are forgetting something. Ugh!

So this week, my prayer is for protection for my family (wherever they are) and REST. With God, I will find rest this week. My family will be safe and He will calm my anxious thoughts.

“Then Jesus said, ‘Let's go off by ourselves to a quiet place and rest awhile.’ He said this because there were so many people coming and going that Jesus and his apostles didn't even have time to eat.” Mark 6:31

“Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7

Hearing Your Child’s Heart Break

   This post is a difficult one to write. Our primary role as a parent is to protect our children, love our children and teach our children. It is one thing to protect and teach our children about situations we can anticipate will hurt them. We protect them by teaching about stranger danger, street safety and household hazards.

  In a blended family, this protection is often fragmented and we are left to implicitly trust the other parent to protect, love and teach our children when we are absent. We have to trust they love our children just as much as we do.

    Despite everyone’s best intentions, sometimes our children will face some very difficult circumstances. And when these occur at the other parent’s home, it is so hard to know how, and when, to step in and pick up the emotional pieces. Depending on the circumstances, we cannot always say “Your home, your problem”. Because the child is hurting, it becomes “Their Home (regardless of which one), Our Problem”.

    Heartbreak is hard on anyone, especially a child. I’m not talking about the sadness that comes from a child losing their favorite toy or their best friend saying something mean to them. I’m talking about the deep heartbreak from a change in circumstances that leaves a child’s sense of security shaken.

    Recently, our children have been facing some big challenges at the other parent’s home…a parent moving away, the death of a loved one and mistreatment by a family member. They have lots of questions and are confused by their emotions. As a parent, I begin to feel helpless to protect them. As their heart breaks, so does mine.

    This weekend, I attended a service at my church and part of the message had such profound meaning for my husband and I.  It gave us perspective and hope for our situation. Instead of focusing on how I need to help my children the ways I know how, I should be asking God to help me, help them.

So this week, we are choosing the following:

• Ask God to help us, help them. God loves our children more than we do. He knows what THEY need during this time. We will trust Him to show us what we need to do.

 “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7

• Pray, Pray, Pray. Pray for the situation. Pray for the other parent’s household and family. Pray with the children. Remind them God is there to listen and to help. He cares about them.

“The Lord hears his people when they call to Him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.” Psalms 34:17-18

• Be patient and encouraging. We will try to cut some slack where we can, give more grace and encourage them things will get better.

“…weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning.” Psalm 30:5

• We will speak life into the situation. Surround them with positive words and situations. We will promote hope and restoration and keep the lines of communication open.

“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” Ephesians 4:29

• Call in reinforcements. We are not the only people who love and care for our children. Let family and friends know of the situation and how they can help and pray for us. We understand our children may be hurting and need to feel they are not alone.

“I also tell you this: if two of you agree here on earth concerning anything you ask, my Father in Heaven will do it for you. For where two or three gather together as my followers, I am there among them.” Matthew 18:19-20

   

 We have faith for a breakthrough in our situation. We CHOOSE to focus on what is good. Doing anything else would be destruction. The devil would like nothing more than to destroy our family. We see this as an attack from the enemy and will stand on God’s promises for victory!!!