It's been a few weeks since my last blog post. There are quite a few changes coming in our household, which I'll blog about later. In this time of chaos, crossroads and major decision-making, I have been repeatedly confronted with the words "Self-Care".
Self-Care, in theory, seems like a straight forward concept. Take care of yourself, you can't give from an empty place, you deserve to give to yourself time, and so on. There is research on the benefits of Self-Care and the consequences of the lack of. However, for most moms, this concept carries a level of complexity with mixed thoughts and emotions.
Don't get me wrong, every mom would love long baths, quiet time for reading a favorite book, shopping for themselves, going to the gym or any other activities they enjoy. In order for a mom to practice self-care, it requires three things; Time, Energy and Resources. Without all three of these things lining up, self-care is impossible.
Sometimes, we have the time and resources, but no energy. Without that vital component, attempts at self-care can backfire. Even worse, we have the resources and the energy but no time!
The longer I am on this blended family journey, the more I am realizing the importance of taking care of myself. Unfortunately, time, energy and resources are only available in limited quantities. We only have 24 hours in a day, we only have so much resources and energy....well, enough said. And if that obstacle wasn't big enough, there's guilt.Because there are limited quantities, in order for mom to practice self-care, those commodities have to be taken from somewhere else...kids, husband, friends, or other organized activities like church.
There's the dilemma...In order for me to take care of myself, someone else has to go without. When I finally get some time, energy and resources set aside for myself, I feel guilty of what I am not doing for others. The money I spend on my nails or a new outfit can go towards clothes for the kids. The time I spend volunteering could be spent with family and friends. The energy I spend at the gym could be spent in quality time with my husband.
Most times, I choose to forego self-care so I don't feel guilty or selfish. So I can feel like a nurturer, a provider, a mother. Sacrifice seems like a small price to pay for the feeling that I am doing my job.
But sacrifice isn't a small price to pay...it's a big one, bigger than I realized. All of those little sacrifices of time, energy and resources diverted from self-care add up in a big way. Feelings of accomplishment begin to get replaced with feelings of being overwhelmed. Other feelings like anxiousness, feeling unappreciated, and irritability become frequent visitors. When schedule changes are made by the ex, or the kids get wrapped up in adult disagreements between homes, we become a little less patient...a little less forgiving. We begin to displace our frustrations on situations and people...to the point we have nothing positive to add. Then we feel guilty...guilty for not having more fun, for not making happy memories, for not being able to give the best of ourselves to our spouses or kids. Not to mention the physical aspects of the lack of self-care. Ugh...the dilemma.
So when you hear about the importance of taking care of yourself...really hear it. Let it serve as a reminder. Check in on yourself frequently. If I need those lessons with my favorite gym instructor, I need to prioritize that. If I need a long, hot bath, I need to make it happen. If I need to replace some clothing, I should. Even typing this, it feels selfish....saying it out loud feels even more selfish. BUT I am working on changing my thoughts and feelings.
I'm realizing I'd rather feel guilty for taking time for myself so I can be in a better place, than feel guilty for being irritable, anxious, impatient and unforgiving. God will help me find a good balance between self-care and care for others. It is no longer an option to cut out self-care.
Do you not know that you are God's temple and that God's Spirit dwells in you?
1 Corinthians 3:16
